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So this is the last thing that I should be doing... yet here I am anyway. Funny how that works... actually, not funny... typical. I am in crunch time at work... SERIOUS crunch time. But I can not, for the life of me, focus. I truly am spinning.
I am expecting.
I will be a mother.
This is still hard for my eyes to believe. I've always wanted to be a mother. I just never expected to be one so soon. I hate to sound unappreciative of my gift. Because I am not. But I am afraid and the fear is making me... well... spin in all different directions.
This world scares me.... I wasn't even sure that I wanted to bring a child into this world anymore.... this was something that I had been thinking about recently. Because of where I see so much of this world going... trying to keep the faith here but.....
My anxiety scares me... that I can feel so afraid and so out of control.... for no reason....
that I spend so much time trying to figure myself out...
I have had a lot of dreams. I am a dreamer. A lot of them are still locked up and untouched. That sounds backwards because this is one of my dreams... just much sooner and at a point where I fear I truly am not ready for this.... and was at a point where I wasn't sure I ever would be.
I want to be a wonderful Mother. Have I learned enough about life and myself... have I healed enough... have I come far enough to do so?? What if I haven't???
I wanted to be in that place that some people get to be.... with their mate... their love.... secure..... READY for that next step. I'm not there. But I have to be anyway.
There's a lot that I miss about my life that I thought would be true that isn't.... and I fear bringing a child into that sadness. What if it pushes through and this child can feel it??? I will have again failed... at what I've wanted of my life... as a person and as a mother. I've already feared that within the last couple of years. I am young, I know.... but I can only see where I have been and where I am now. I can be so hard on myself I know....
Jaded? Hmmm... not being able to give all of myself to someone that really wants it... someone that I truly believe wouldn't harm any of it... because I trusted myself that much with someone else and when they gave me away.... I lost myself. I don't know if I can be that vulnerable again. Or do I just not have it in me period anymore?
I feel wasted in a sense. When really... I am blessed with so much. |
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Posted by spinningreflection on 2008-01-07 17:04:47 | Rating: | Views: 129
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My entire post isn't showing up.... hmmm....
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2008-01-08 13:06:19
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So this is the last thing that I should be doing... yet here I am anyway. Funny how that works... actually, not funny... typical. I am in crunch time at work... SERIOUS crunch time. But I can not, for the life of me, focus. I truly am spinning.
I am expecting.
I will be a mother.
This is still hard for my eyes to believe. I've always wanted to be a mother. I just never expected to be one so soon. I hate to sound unappreciative of my gift. Because I am not. But I am afraid and the fear is making me... well... spin in all different directions.
This world scares me.... I wasn't even sure that I wanted to bring a child into this world anymore.... this was something that I had been thinking about recently. Because of where I see so much of this world going... trying to keep the faith here but.....
My anxiety scares me... that I can feel so afraid and so out of control.... for no reason....
that I spend so much time trying to figure myself out...
I have had a lot of dreams. I am a dreamer. A lot of them are still locked up and untouched. That sounds backwards because this is one of my dreams... just much sooner and at a point where I fear I truly am not ready for this.... and was at a point where I wasn't sure I ever would be.
I want to be a wonderful Mother. Have I learned enough about life and myself... have I healed enough... have I come far enough to do so?? What if I haven't???
I wanted to be in that place that some people get to be.... with their mate... their love.... secure..... READY for that next step. I'm not there. But I have to be anyway.
There's a lot that I miss about my life that I thought would be true that isn't.... and I fear bringing a child into that sadness. What if it pushes through and this child can feel it??? I will have again failed... at what I've wanted of my life... as a person and as a mother. I've already feared that within the last couple of years. I am young, I know.... but I can only see where I have been and where I am now. I can be so hard on myself I know....
Jaded? Hmmm... not being able to give all of myself to someone that really wants it... someone that I truly believe wouldn't harm any of it... because I trusted myself that much with someone else and when they gave me away.... I lost myself. I don't know if I can be that vulnerable again. Or do I just not have it in me period anymore?
I feel wasted in a sense. When really... I am blessed with so much. <---- I know them both.
Back and forth... back and forth.
"Oh and fate has led you through it... you do what you have to do" Sarah McLachlan just sang those words.
My mother, my rock... she told me "this child will never hurt you..." (until those teenage years of course) She didn't REALLY mean never. I know what she meant. But could I handle loving someone that much and being hurt?? Is that selfish?? What if I don't love them the way they need to be loved???
So many questions. I sound crazy... to myself.... to others? I probably sound like I am blowing things out of proportion. I read a post earlier where someone was talking about how so many people on here "whine" about how "awful" their lives are when it's simply bs. This person was talking about teenagers... and I am by no means saying in any way that my life is worse than anyone's. Just for me... it's a pretty scary place right now. I don't know why I worry that people would think that of me? I just don't want to be misunderstood.
"It's just the hormones." Please. I've been all over the place for longer than that!!! Nice excuse... the hormones certainly haven't helped me to feel more centered, but they aren't the only thing at fault here. They try... those that love me that tell me that... they want me to make it through. I love them. I just wished I believed it would be okay and soon... I KNOW it will be eventually... but it's just far enough out of reach.
I've told so many people, friends, loved ones, people that I don't know who need love and advice.... that it WILL get better, and I truly believe it for them. So WHY can I not remember that when I am low, myself?? I still believe it for them. I believe that it is darkest before dawn...
I've never been one to adjust well to change. At all. I've tried to change myself in that way... work on that. I was successful for quite some time!!! Then the big blind sided changes come and I've forgotten how to be successful anymore... kind of contradicts the whole practicing to accept change!!
I'm not like this all of the time. I have moments of feeling that this will be a beautiful new chapter. A new life given to me! How amazing is that?! But the fear sets in... the what if's. I tell you... those what if's are not nice. And I can't seem to escape them.
The doctors are taking me off of my anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds so that they do not harm the baby. So I am feeling the effects of that as well. The withdrawal... and of course the increased anxiety paired up with whatever my hormones are doing... I'm working through it as best as I can. But it's hard to explain the feeling that I am already getting. The feelings that I had prior to being on these meds. And the only way I maintained last time was with the meds. So now it's me... maintaining for this child. But w/ an anxiety disorder... it's almost completely out of your control... okay, out of my control. I'm doing my very best. Most of the time... to maintain.
Meditation may be something that I look into here.. asap.
'Wherever you go, there you are.'
Why let that book gather any more dust?!
I hate to be this ball of fear. It really is not who I am... it's a part of me that shadows the rest of me. A cycle of fear... a snowball. I do not want to be this as a mother. I want to have it all together as best as I can. And feeling this insecure... is definitely scaring the hell outta me. I don't want to be a what if anymore!!! I want to be a whatever will be, I will be... and will be smiling.... person again. That made sense in my head.
I will probably read this not too long from now and feel like a fool. But... it's where I am right now.
I'm working... I'm pushing... a little falter here and there....
I'm putting on "Ice Cream" by Sarah McLachlan... cleaning up my desk and going home!!
xoxoxo
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2008-01-08 13:10:04
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But love is YOUR nature. Love is YOUR best feature. Always has been always will. You will be a wonderful Mother, I would bet my life on it.
xoxo ;)
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Posted by AngryAngel
on 2008-01-08 13:48:25
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Relax, this is how it begins. You are embarking on the most amazing healing, learning journey our being can experience. Much peace, love and empowerment to you sister. Blessed be the moon belly.
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Posted by warpedsoaper
on 2008-01-08 20:44:10
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The hormone change probably has alot to do with how you are feeling.
I had my son when I was 18 years old.
I felt the exact same way.
He is now 18 years old himself.
He turned out fine.
Motherhood is a journey.
It will change who you are.
Instinct will kick in, when you hold that baby in your arms, that fear, will turn into AWE.
Peace.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-01-10 01:48:50
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CONGRATULATIONS!!!
May your fear turn into a mother's pride.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-01-10 01:49:47
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AngryAngel... thank you very much. I love you! lol... seriously though... that means alot.
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2008-01-11 11:47:28
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Thank you warpedsoaper :) It really does help to hear those words... I know it to be true... just have to get there. Been a rough couple of weeks.
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2008-01-11 11:48:54
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DS.. thank you very much as always!! I know what you say is true as well. And I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in having felt this way. I know a lot has to do with hormones... as well as anxiety. I'm trying to keep myself in check!! Thank you very, very much! xoxoxo
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2008-01-11 11:50:53
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