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| Only "alive" when forced to fight????
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So I couldn't figure out what to title this... still doesn't sound quite right but... ah well.
I worry that I have become one of those people. One of those people who has to be struggling for something... or else they feel stuck and in turn feel unhappy and not at all satisfied. Make sense?
I know, my confused woe is me posts are probably already getting annoying. But I am definitely someone who is introspective to a fault. I dissect myself into little pieces... my feelings & thoughts until I am so very confused and shook up and not at all centered. "What does it all mean". Sometimes the reflection is really nice... other times, I seem to get lost. Which is where I have been lately.
Relationship-wise.... I was in one hell of a roller coaster relationship... ups and downs reduced me to almost nothing. Literally. I lost myself for awhile... it was really scary. But anyway.. before it got really bad "we" were struggling together. There were so many issues to get past. I had so much faith in us because I knew what I felt was real. I knew what he felt was real. But we both got lost and well, he couldn't find his way back no matter how much I sacrificed for him and for us... how much I loved and cared about him. This sounds strange, and vague. But I'm not so much feeling like getting into the nitty gritty details. It was crazy, out love was really crazy... but I loved him so much and relied on him so much, that I let him define me. I let us define me. And I was so vulnerable to him... that he was able to tear me apart with his insecurities and his issues. But before that I pushed and pushed and pushed for so long. I was so ready to fight for as long as I had to... maybe even forever. (Bit of a tortured romantic, yes) But of course there is only so much you can take and I did in fact hit that point that I couldn't fight anymore... and then I walked away.
I fell in with someone new... well, an old friend really... but a new love. And felt so amazing at first. I was relieved, feeling blessed & refreshed.... But now... it's kind of... well there haven't really been any tests. Am I just seriously screwed up or what?! We never, ever fight. At first I thought, NICE! Now I think... hmmmm... I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing... leaning more towards the bad. It's almost been a year. Not that I want to be fighting but isn't there something telling about an occasional fight... something about passion... something about things being important... (Something about ME not making any sense and nit picking LOL!!). I don't know. I hope I am not one of those people. Maybe I still feel somewhat cheated for what I pushed and fought so hard for and yet it still wasn't recognized and continue to pick it all apart... maybe I just need remind myself how lucky I am (more than I do now)... maybe I'm just in a rut and am nit picking and making things harder on myself. Maybe I should just shutup!
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Posted by spinningreflection on 2007-11-13 11:38:06 | Rating: | Views: 145
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Thanks so much for the comment on my dancing post, SpinningReflection!
hmmmm... this reminds me of a situation that I went through...
A few Q's:
-do you and you're new guys still share deeply, or do you feel either him or you avoiding the "big questions" to keep things "conflict" free?
...ok, i lied...i just have one question ;)
it just makes me think that if the two of you still "passionately" agreeing about the big things then...HELL YEAH! we're talkin' soul mate material. And trust me ...the deeper and closer you two continue to get the "constructive disagreements" will come in appropriate measure.
Now...if not, and there's something you two are keeping tucked away in the the "safe place", maybe cause there's a part of you still stinging from not "succeeding" in your last relationship.....i know I went through that...I was so convinced that I could make anything work if I just really "dedicated" myself...
It would be kind of like the two of you standing on the pool deck complimenting each other's swim suit for a year, and now you just gotta jump in the pool.
What this year has definitely given the two of you is more of a sense of trust, which is what is going to REALLY come in handy in that pool of yours :)
Often times, people (myself included) mistake "passion" for constant turmoil. When all we are really doing is feeding off of a feeling of adrenaline we get from "I might Lose this Person!!"
In the long run, adrenaline is a cheap substitute to trust.
You should feel really great about yourself that you are asking these questions, though! That is totally the way we eventually are able to break our habitual patterns, huh...
You got this girl. Keep Following that inquisitive heart of yours!
-MuchLove-
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Posted by Shannon
on 2007-11-13 17:49:55
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Ahh! I meant new GUY not new guys! LOL!
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Posted by Shannon
on 2007-11-13 17:51:35
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I agree with what Shannon said. There doesn't need to be fighting for passion to thrive. Do you and your new man share your thoughts and fears? Are you totally open with each other? In any future relationship I have those things will be a must.
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Posted by HungryHeart
on 2007-11-13 22:39:50
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Have you ever been alone? I know this is a weird question, but you said that you lost yourself in the relationship, this happenned to me until I took the time to find myself, had to do it single though, that's the only way. You can't be half of a whole until you are whole yourself-that's mine, it's trademarked! LOL, just kidding, just my thoughts.
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Posted by Rajah1116
on 2007-11-14 08:10:30
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SomethingLikeThat- Thanks for your comment! I definitely think that there is some real truth to that... your last sentence especially struck a cord with me. Something to keep in mind... but I do know that while I really do believe that is true.. like everything else, there should be a balance... I suppose that is part of what I am trying to figure out.
Shannon - Can I always come to you for advice?! LOL! Thanks so much for your response... to answer your question... I think that is something that is definitely missing, that we don't share our deepest thoughts and feelings... not often anyway. I'm definitely someone who is very into talking and analyzing and dreaming and expressing... and he's not so much that way, which at first was okay because I had been so worn out from ALWAYS over analyzing and picking things apart before... but I suppose the lack of that expression started to take it's toll. So there are times where I don't feel like I can go there... I actually rarely feel there is anything to go "there" about. We've had our convos here and there of course (I could probably count them within the past 8 months... on one hand even??). I guess I'm used to the constant emotional convo about things below the surface. I don't know that either of us are really avoiding... it's almost like there isn't anything to really delve into most of the time. If that makes any sense at all?! (I don't always have the best luck expressing myself without going on and on and on which I am trying not to do right now, haha!) What you said about the adrenaline we gain from fighting vs. trust... I know is so very true! I have to keep reminding myself of that while I continue to try to figure things out! Thank you so much for your words!!! :)
ThrivingHeart - thanks :) I don't mean to sound like I just want to fight, fight, fight... I guess like I said to Shannon, the rare times that we actually do go "deep" with eachother began to take it's toll and I of course turn to over analyzing every little thing. It definitely is a must, I think I'm just missing it right now.
Rajah- I've thought about this angle too!! It's not a weird question at all!!! The ex and I were together for a total of about 4 years (or so??)... it was so crazy it's hard to keep track... we were together for 2 1/2 years (high school sweetheart/first loves which might I add was also long distance for the majority of the relationship... I moved a few months after we got together... so there's a big huge emotional rollercoaster test for you right there...)... I moved back and we split a couple months later... ended up finding eachother again after almost a year and attempted to make a go of being friends and working things out but again it did not happen. Then after another 2 years we found eachother again and that lasted for about a year and a half. And in those in betweens I had two other relationships. One very very short lived (Rebound anyone? ugh) and the other about a year and a half (which the majority of the time was also spent in "moving on" from the ex confusion... which ultimately split us up). So I have had my single time but at the same time I do think that I didn't have enough. Before my current boyfriend and I started up (which happened VERY FAST may I add...) I was still dealing with so much from the ex of course... learning about myself, having so many realizations happen about life, love... who I wanted to continue to be and what I had learned and what part of that I needed to hold on to. It was kind of amazing actually, sad and very hard... but a time in my life where I recognized how much I had grown and recognized some things about myself and my life that I had never really been faced with before. I thought I was ready to move on... though I had my doubts about going too fast... But I threw caution to the wind. Tried some things differently... and it went so well for awhile and now, here I am questioning. ARGH!! lol. So... more things I have to consider.
I think some days I am just a basket case. And then other days I somewhat scold myself for making such a big deal out of pet peeves, or slight confusion... I sound crazy. :)~ But I know it's something that I have to somehow find my way through...and I will... I just wish I could find my way through right NOW! lol.
Thanks so much everyone... it is so great to hear feedback on all the different thoughts and feelings I've been having (and nice to see that those responses recognize my all over the place thoughts!!)... I really, really appreciate it all!! :)
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2007-11-14 09:30:02
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hmmmm...yeah, i think rajah might really have a point there.
One that you seem to already be tapping into as well...
I totally feel you in that place...where you just had these big breakthroughs about who you are, what you want, and some insights into sides of yourself that you may not have even recognized before...
And at first...CLARITY! Good times w/ a new fresh person...
then...
well, it seems like you blasted off into the new relationship with all the steam of your self realizations, and were sailing through alright with that momentum...and then it just came to the point that you two where needing some forward ( or inward ;) momentum from some JOINT discoveries...and they just ain't as "Umph" worthy as they ought a be...
Here's some more Q's for you ;)
-Would you mind going in to "the rare times that we actually do go "deep" with each other began to take it's toll and I of course turn to over analyzing every little thing" a little more...
- Do you think he's just not a "big question" kinda person and hasn't really thought about the layers underneath so then he gets self-conscious and little defensive when that stuff is brought up...if so...maybe not the best long term match for you :)
OR
He has, and is just not as good at putting it into words like we lovely ladies usually are :)
this goes w/ a little story...
when my husband and I where first married...we went through this period where... I would bring up these "beneath the surface" Q's and deep observations...and he would totally respond in this defensive way and shut down! And i had know idea where this was coming from 'cause I knew he was a deep person and thought about stuff like that.
It wasn't until we talked about it, that it came out, that he felt like I was putting him on the spot and was not having enough time to really think about things and put them into words the way he needed...
This was a "blow my mind" moment for me 'cause that is when I realized how much I was still in the pattern of my old relationship...
I was still in the mode of having passionate "debates"
Even if that was not what I was intending, and I was thinking we we're just gonna have a nice time of "agreeing passionately"...
My energy was just coming off as kinda combative, which was shutting him down..
OR...
this could have been a nice laid back relationship good for you to boost your confidence, and now its time to take that pure self discovery time for your self alone...
WELL... I guess I really wasn't much help, just REALLY long-winded ;) I kinda got us right back to where we all started :)
EITHER WAY! :)
-MuchLove-
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Posted by Shannon
on 2007-11-14 12:59:38
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Hey Shannon!
Well... I don't know that I've actually figured that out yet... whether or not he's a big question person. It's definitely possible that he's just not one to talk, talk, talk like us ladies... like you said! I definitely think we need some joint discoveries and bonding... or something... I dunno!!! ey yi yi!
I also wonder at times, if it's just because I am used to a relationship with so much crazy history and well... drama... that I'm not sure how to take it being brand new, and without drama. You know?
Sometimes I really just think I am picking and comparing too much... sometimes I think I am reaching and finding confusion and conflict where there shouldn't be any... Then again, sometimes I wonder just what you said about needing some further self discovery time, but am not really accepting of the thought of losing him. Hmmm... how crazy am I now? haha!
Thanks for sharing your story! How great that the two of you have reached that understanding of eachother!
He doesn't necessarily get defensive about anything really... I think sometimes he just doesn't get me. He's a jokester which I love. But sometimes I need to be a little more serious about things. But who can expect someone to get them ALL the time, you know? I guess it's just going to take some time.
Thank you so much again though, whether or not I've really gotten anywhere just yet, lol... it definitely helps to dissect it like this you know? And to hear other's responses and someone else's experiences and take on it.
I'm kinda silly some days I think you know... and I feel guilty for doubting us and him because he really is so great to me... I guess this is what "Thoughts" is for, right? :)
xoxoxo!!
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2007-11-15 08:38:16
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TOTALLY!! {{{{squeeze}}}} :)
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Posted by Shannon
on 2007-11-15 18:28:45
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