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| hiding in plain sight |
how is it a person can have a whole way of thinking, a busy city or world of thoughts whirring away in their head that nobody else can see or hear or feel? and i'm assuming nobody can, or was i standing behind the door when the empathy and telepathy was being passed out? all these ideas that burst through, charging like rhino's and knocking everything else aside, and all those vague senses, creeping in like they were there all the time and you just spotted them now, where do they all come from? does everybody else have them? or is it just my own skull this chaos rockets and slips around in?
it's a whole other world. thoughts about my friends, family and random strangers: do i even mean these things? why do they occur to me? bad thoughts. where do they come from? do i really hate this pissed idiot in the bar, or would we get along just fine if i was in a better mood, or maybe more inebriated myself? would i really smash his face in with this empty jug like i just envisioned, and whether i would or not, am i really such a horrible, violent person, to be having thoughts like that? i have them all the time. but i don't follow through, i don't put them into action. am i a good person, then, for holding back on my evil, criminal impulses?
and it is my world. these insecurities about myself, where do they come from? why do i think these people really dislike me, even though they invite me to their parties, and come around to my home to visit? are they just coming to see my brother? are they just here because they want to borrow something, or buy something? are they really here to ask my advice, because they care what i think? or are they just telling me their problems out of their own selfish needs? why would they ever like me? i'm not special. i'm indecisive, and untrustworthy with men, though i am the most trustworthy person alive with everything else (basically i would screw your husband, but you would never know).
well, that's my therapy session for today, my little rant. i've lost my train of thought anyway. thanks for listening doc.
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Posted by spencerdj on 2008-12-09 20:08:39 | Rating: | Views: 26
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