Thoughts.com Blogs - Missing so much

I am sitting here in the evening--after another very hot day. Have lived in the desert for 3+ years now and while there is so much to enjoy--hiking, awesome winter weather, uniqueness of the desert--I find at this time of year that I have a great hole in my heart.

My mom died in winter time three years ago--she loved autumn--colored leaves, pumpkins, scarecrows, all the stuff that goes with harvest, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. I used to live in BEAUTIFUL OHIO....not too far from her house.

My heart almost breaks when I see photos of Autumn scenes...I miss her and I miss my former life in Ohio. I wanted so much to stay there, but jobs, work etc took us away. I don't know if I could ever go back, or even if I did if it would be best.

Just have so much yearning for what was....I grieve for that time in my life when we celebrated the seasons, shared the holidays with family and I had time with my mom. I also had a vibrant spiritual life--prayer, fellowship with others, regular worship time...after mom died I got so angry to have lost her. I think I am still struggling with that. I have been to grief counseling--but maybe the hurt just comes back once in a while.

I am so lucky that we had such good times together, taking walks in the neighborhood, going for drives in the country and enjoying cooking and eating together. Now all that is gone and there is a void.

maybe it is just part of the half-empty nest that we now have...one child gone off and another getting ready to fly the coop!! I know I have many blessings: good health, good kids, good husband and wonderful home and a good job. Where do you draw the line between recognizing the joy in your life and embracing the sorrow?

So glad I could write all this out....maybe noone will read it and that's okay, but it makes the lump in my throat a little smaller.