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| she's gone...why can't i deal with it???
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Christmas this year is bittersweet for me and my family. My grandmother passed away two weeks ago and we've never had a holiday without her. She never missed a christmas, thanksgiving, or even a birthday...she was always there for us. She was only 65 years old...call me a dreamer but I believe that's too young to die. I'm angry that she's not here anymore...I went christmas shopping yesterday and I was thinking of everyone in my life I wanted to buy a gift for...and my grammie just kept coming into my mind. Then I had to come back to reality and remember that she's gone. She'll never celebrate another holiday or another birthday with us...and I think it's just starting to sink in.
She was a major part of my life...always someone I could talk to and she never judged or made assumptions on anything I would tell her. I really, really miss her. My mom says that its best, that she's no longer in pain and that she's looking down on us. Well I'm sorry but that doesn't really make me feel any better. I've tried not to be sad about her passing...because I know it's much harder for my mom to deal than it is for me...but why did she have to go?
Her last few years were really tough. She had diabetes and other problems that made her really vulnerable to infections and other not so great things. So she had to have her leg amputated and then a couple of her toes amputated and so on. A week before she died the doctor said they needed to take her other leg...and I really believe that that was the last straw for her. It was all she could do to hold on and that was like a knife in her heart. It was so hard for her to deal with losing one leg...
Her last two days she spent on life support...unconscious...and unaware. I didn't go to see her the day she died. I wanted my last memory of her to be happy. The last day I saw her she was smiling and laughing..and giving out hugs and kisses. That's how I want to remember her..but I feel as though my mother and siblings resent me for not going to be with her when the doctors took her off the life support. Does that really make me a bad person? Not wanting to have to remember her as someone frail and comatose?She is the first person that I've known who has passed away...like someone I actually knew...and really loved....the first person in my life to pass away was someone who meant a great deal to me....is this what I have to look forward to? The people in my life who I love dying?
I suppose I'm having a harder time dealing than I thought...
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Posted by speakup21 on 2007-12-22 21:38:08 | Rating: | Views: 58
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Perhaps, though you don't take solace in the idea that she is in a better place, you might find it comforting to believe that she lived her life being happy for the most part. She sounds like she enjoyed life and enjoyed her family.
Nothing lasts forever, after all, which is why you should enjoy it while you have it. It sounds like she did.
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Posted by Chance777
on 2007-12-22 21:59:05
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sorry to hear that brotha
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Posted by Neffy_Vegas
on 2007-12-23 00:46:06
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