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| 1 Step Forward and 2 Steps Back |
In this world, there are two types of people: those who learn from their mistakes and those who don't. I am the latter. Though I got hurt, I fell for the same trap over and over again, but never learned to put my guards up. There's no one to blame but myself for being so pessimistic on men and love, that I know because of that.
I've been waiting my whole entire life for the kind of love I've only seen in movies and romance novels. I guess some may call me a dreamer; others, pathetic. I've had my ups and downs, and I've certainly made some bad decisions with guys that I wish I could take back. Throughout that process, I got hurt over and over again, leading me to start losing faith in the kind of love that I believed in.
Just then, a guy came into my life who saved me from that and was everything I ever dreamed of. We had been friends for quite some time now, and he knows everything about me, including all the things I have done. He told me he loves me too; I thought everything was going to be okay and a new, hopeful beginning was to start with he and I, when I was down to my one last breath. However, life wasn't that easy nor sweet. My actions in the past caught up with me, haunting not only me but also him as well. I love him, he loves me, but the "all you need is love" thing turned out to be nothing but another fantasy; bogus. I've told him my love for him, as he did for me first. But in the end, he wasn't able to trust me though he loves me and no matter what I said or what I did, it was not something I could change in his heart.
I was afraid of being hurt again the same way I did; and he, of me, thinking I was going to go off doing the same thing I did in the past. At first, I had thought that it was him that couldn't get my 100% trust, but I came to realize that it was I that couldn't get his 1000% trust. What hurts the most is that we love each other, and we are both aware that we're in love with each other. But love, afterall, wasn't enough.
I am not angry with him for being this way, since it's all because of what I have done. I understand and he knows that I understand. All I can say is I'm sorry for what I've done, over and over again. I wish I could take it all back, and I'd go back in time and do everything over had I known that I could be losing him forever. I've never felt so powerless and hopeless, also frustrated with myself as the way I do right now. Not being able to persuade him when I'm so in love with him more than he can ever imagine, or knowing ways of proving my devotion and loyalty of love for him... He's right there... RIGHT THERE... But he's slowly drifting away, out of my reach. I know not what I can do or should do.
I love you...
And I swear that's true.
But as the song by Theory of a Deadman goes,
"It's never enough to say I'm sorry.
It's never enough to say I care.
But I'm caught between what you're wanting from me
and knowing if I give that to you, I might just disappear.
Nobody wins when everyone's losing..."
"It's never enough to say I love you.
No, it's never enough to say I try.
It's hard to believe that there's no way out for you and me.
This seems to be the story of our life.
Nobody wins when everyone's losing.
It's like one step forward and two steps back.
No matter what I do, you're always mad
and I can't change your mind;
It's like trying to turn around on a one way street;
I can't give you what you want and it's killing me
and I... I'm starting to see:
Maybe we're not meant to be."
But right now, just for a little more while, I don't want to accept that fact and just wait for him. That's all I can do--- Just wait for him and show him that I'm waiting for him as long as it takes because I don't want to be with anyone else and other people don't matter; that I'm all about him.
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Posted by sparkly118 on 2009-10-23 12:39:36 | Rating: | Views: 98
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