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Looking at all the friends I've ever had throughout my life so far, I would have to be honest and say I have a problem choosing and maybe keeping them. It isn't that I'm a bad friend. To sound a tad arrogant, but at least I am being truthful, I am far too generous. I've always been this way. I think it stems from when I was younger. My parent's marriage broke up when I was six as a result of my Father's infidelity. After the initial blaming myself phase, I decided I just really wanted everyone to like me. I gave my dear Mother grief at home, whilst at school I wanted everyone to be my friend.
Apart from a brief time when Ashley from next door was what I considered my best friend, Emma was probably my first best mate. We stayed over each other's houses most weekends, I am sure at one point she even fancied my little brother. I loved going to Emma's house as she had loads of pets. Dogs, cats, budgies, hamsters... For as long as I remember I'd wanted my Mum to get me a dog. No matter what I said each year she said no. Now I'm old enough to appreciate it would have been a pain in the ass financially for my Mum at the time, and I probably wouldn't have walked the thing round the block twice a day.
As a result of my parents divorce, I had to move house, and inevitably our friendship crumbled. At eight or nine years old, I wasn't really sure what happened. Why didn't Emma want to come and play anymore?
Even if I hadn't moved, I think we would have parted ways oneday anyway. A year or so ago I joined Friends Reunited and was surprised to see Emma on there, she'd had a beautiful baby girl and moved to Wigan to live with her boyfriend. Last I heard she was engaged. Life is funny because of the path you started at and the paths you take along the way.
Back to the generosity thing. It has always been a problem. I have a guilt complex about saying the word no. In year eight of Secondary school, I should have asked my Mum to let me change schools.
I met a girl called Sophie and later met her sister Annie. Although me and Sophie hung around together, fancied a lot of the lads in the year above and had a lot of the same interests, we didn't actually become best friends until we'd left school.
There was nothing I wouldn't have done for Sophie. For one, she would never do simple day to day tasks for herself such as paying for stuff, going to the icecream machine at pizza hut or even go for a job interview on her own. For ages, being the naive twat I was, I believed her when she told me she was shy and she felt all embarrassed at the thought of doing these simple things. I felt sorry for her and thought I was helping her. It soon got to the point though where I'd refuse to do things for her as I wanted her to learn for herself and see what she was asking me to do as a slave, wasn't impossible.
Personality wise, in spite of this, she was bubbly, blonde natured as well as hair coloured, gave good advice at times and could always be counted on for a night out. So could her sister Annie.
Annie was the louder one of the two, never afraid to speak her mind and she was a laugh to be around. The problem with them both, is that they knew I would do anything for them, they used it to their advantage and borrowed money from me a lot, knowing if I knew they were broke I wouldn't ask for it back and lied to me when i started to get close to other people. They also had a nasty streak when they didn’t get their own way and tended to put themselves on a pedestal. They basically believed they were better than everyone else and anyone who thought otherwise was stupid.
For a few years Sophie never had a job so I always paid to go out as I luckily enough did have a job. I paid for us to go to Weston, Blackpool, even paid for us to go to Global Gathering which cost £116 each for one day! I remember about two weeks before we went I said I might not be able to afford for us to go and she threw a strop and said that if we didn’t go I wasn’t to speak to her that weekend. She was absolutely pathetic. Of course at the time I didn’t see this.
Thinking upon things, Annie wasn’t as bad because most of the time she was straightforward. Like Sophie though she too allowed me to pay for things, asked to borrow money every month and a lot of the time downright embarrassed me.
They are sisters first and foremost, and for a time I considered them family as I spent so much time with them. Every boxing day I’d be at there house to enjoy Christmas. Every weekend I stopped over. We helped each other through family problems, our hearts getting broken. Everything. However, you upset one sister, you upset both. If they argued between themselves they’d always try and get me to take sides.
There’s loads of things about each other as sisters, they don’t even know now.
Sophie for example cheated on her boyfriend Ant. She kissed this lad named Jamie one night when we were out clubbing and felt no remorse. Later on when he cheated all she could do was be vindictive. The whole time, I thought to myself “you did it as well. You’re a hypocrite”. Whilst she’s putting herself on a pedestal she’s also rather fond of gossiping and judging. If a girl she knew had a one night stand, or she knew of someone quite young going out with someone older, she called them a slag. Totally forgetting about when we were in Weston she’d had a one night stand. I told Annie once and Sophie blatantly denied it.
Annie had her issues too. Like, when she split with her boyfriend of two years she turned into the biggest coke head. Everytime she came out with me or my mate Vicky, she had to have it. Slowly, she was asking me to borrow her more money, she was becoming increasingly paranoid and moody, and I was trying to distance myself from her. At the time though she became Vicky’s friend too and as we sometimes had a laugh I couldn’t always put the distance between us. I felt and still do, sorry for Annie as I think it’s a habit she picked up when she was with her boyfriend and it’s something she hasn’t been able to let go of.
I still see her sometimes on my way to or from work and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard. I’d like it if we could be civil. But a part of me still resents her for hurt she caused.
In July 2007 Sophie was given the opportunity to move into her Mum’s old house for a bit and asked me to go too.
Due to circumstances at the time, which actually weren’t a result of being a friend of Sophie’s, I wasn’t overly happy about moving in, but as I’d already made my mind up I did it anyway.
Looking at it one way, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I have no doubt if I hadn’t have left when I did, I would still be living at home by the time I’m 30 years old, I would have no real concept of the value of money and I wouldn’t appreciate all the things that mother did that at the time I took for granted.
I wouldn’t say I was ever happy living there. If anything, I was miserable. I put on a mask. I pretended to anyone that asked that I loved having my own space, I loved being able to come and go when I pleased but really, I hated it. Whilst I was living there, considering when I’d first moved in I was spending less than I had living with my parents, Sophie was always asking for money to buy things and getting me to top up the electric or gas meters, despite it being my turn the week before, she had parties and let people sleep in my room when I asked her not to let anyone in, she chose thugs over me – I actually got threatened all over a letter by her friend Daniel. He asked where it was and all because I said I didn’t know and to come back later he told me to shut my mouth and asked if I wanted him to hit me, which was lovely. Sophie still carried on speaking to him.
Girls nights out became a regular thing once Annie was single. Vicky her and I would all hit the pub to get drunk and then follow on with a club. The night things took a massive change was when I met my boyfriend. I think they could see how I felt about him and they didn’t like him being the centre of my universe. Annie knew his ex girlfriend through a friend and despite knowing I didn’t like the girl as she was a manipulative liar, because she didn’t have many friends, she started speaking to her. I went away on holiday for a week and when I came back, we all went on a girls night out. At the time my boyfriend was away working, I missed him and wasn’t in the mood for being out, so left Annie with Vicky. Later that night Vicky gave Annie money to go home as she was in a state, only for Annie to come to my house at 3am and to start swearing at me saying me and Vicky were crap friends and we left her on her own, which wasn’t true. She then said that my boyfriend had tried it on with Vicky when I’d been on holiday – as they’d all gone out clubbing.
I hadn’t been with my boyfriend that long, and I hadn’t even known Vicky a full year, yet I knew my heart and just knew that nothing had happened. My boyfriend was angry when I told him, as he a) hadn’t done anything to deserve people lying about him and b)he wasn’t there to defend himself. The day this happened I was an emotional wreck. I had no sleep, was constantly crying, I wouldn’t sleep at home, all because I didn’t want to see Annie. Sophie immediately took her side. If anything had of happened between Vicky and my boyfriend, I know for a fact one of them would have told me.
I sorted things out so they were civil but I pretty much decided then I wanted to move out and then stop speaking to them both. They were calling him everything under the sun, moaning everytime he stayed over and I started to spend more and more time out of the house. I didn’t want to live there.
On New Year, people I care about and who treat me like family invited me to live with them. I moved in with my boyfriend and his family. I stayed for about two weeks and as luck would have it we soon found our own place. I am grateful to his family for everything they did and everything they still do for me.
The day I moved out, Sophie wasn’t expecting it. She’d been rowing with her boyfriend over something anyway when I got there, but the way I just came out with left her shocked.
At first I think she wanted to speak to me, but as my boyfriend was there helping me pack my things to leave, she didn’t even try. I got back to my boyfriends that night to a string of spiteful texts saying I’d always put men first, I didn’t care about anyone but myself, that I’d changed. I was quite hurt because although she was lashing out, none of what she said was true and I had thought if she’d ever been any kind of friend at all, she would have wanted me to be happy. But she wasn’t. She was only bothered that I was leaving her and preventing her from telling me what to do all the time. She told me to pay her Mum a months notice, which I did, and told me not to contact her or Annie again.
Despite hating them for the lie they told, amid other lies over the years over petty things, I still sometimes miss them. They were there for a massive portion of my teenage years. We grew up together, experienced first boyfriends, first heartaches, first time trying to get in a club being underage and not looking old enough at all, first times getting drunk... Most of my photos all contained pictures of nights out we’d shared and when I moved into my new home the one of the first things I did was destroy the photos. Although, I can’t erase the memories. I did at one point text Sophie trying to rectify the situation. I remember wondering why, as when I’d left she had told me she wouldn’t be able to afford to live at the house if it was just her and Ant, but as I saw her on a bus I knew only passed by the old house I knew she was lying and that she still lived there after all. After 12 years of having some good times and me being the only one who was always there for her, she ignored me. Which goes to show she was never a real friend at all. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes, I’m far from perfect. Throughout our friendship I’d snap at her and whinge (probably on account of all the things she kept asking me to do) but everyone is also entitled to forgiveness. She is just too stubborn and has too much pride to admit she’s missed me.
I’ve seen Annie, as I’ve mentioned, around. She still hangs around with my boyfriends ex. Whenever she sees me she acts like she hasn’t. As a result of this I can now count on one hand who my real friends are.
It’s always better to have real friends, then plastic ones.
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Posted by southernsun on 2008-04-03 07:30:00 | Rating: | Views: 74
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