How GOD has shown HIS love, mercy and forgiveness despite my willful behavior: 

I was 9 years old when I responded to the call of JESUS and asked HIM to be my SAVIOR. I was really on fire for the Lord from the ages of 9 - 16. I would witness to teachers, classmates, carried my Bible everywhere, held Bible studies in my back yard - all my school essays were religious based, etc.
I participated in teaching children's church at age 13 and VBS classes at age 14 - a member of the puppet ministry, youth choir, participated in missions trips, learned sign language to interpret services for the 1 deaf man at my church, etc.
I signed up with the Southern Baptist Mission Board for sojourn work and took advantage of an opportunity to skip 12th grade and start college at 16 years old.
This was opportunity #1 that I threw away because I decided to do what I thought and felt was right. College at 16 was a huge culture shock and my sheltered childhood and naivety of the world outweighed my faith and dependence on GOD ... I realize looking back that while I had embraced JESUS as SAVIOR; I had not known HIM as LORD.
I began compromising my values and rationalizing my decisions and actions.
I heard recently that for the Christian "dating should not be viewed as an evangelistic endeavor". I often wonder if things might have been different had I known that then. Probably not, I was too stubborn to listen to such advice.
I experienced "date rape" at age 17. On Sept. 19, 1981, I gave birth to a baby boy that was adopted by a Christian family in N. La. That is all I know of him.
I could not forgive myself for what had happened - my family and church were not helpful - they would not forget and did not help me to feel forgiven.

A ) Jonah Phase

I began running away and trying to hide. I tried joining the Air force - I became suicidal - using my own problems (dysfunctional family, rape, etc.) and my knowledge of schizophrenia (thanks to the 25 year old guy who "raped " me) I was able to obtain an honorable discharge after 11 days in Basic training.
The day before I left San Antonio; I met a young man in "casual" and we exchanged addresses.
I had quit college after the 1st 2 semesters due to the pregnancy.
I completed a 3rd semester of college after the discharge from the Air Forcer. This was March 1982.
The young man with whom I had exchanged addresses had been discharged and came to visit me.
Still dealing with distrust at my church and what I felt was unforgiveness from my family when actually it was myself - I was still trying to find a way to hide.
In April of 1982, I left home in the middle of the night and hitchhiked from S. La. to Chillicothe, Ohio with Sam Pendleton. We got married in Chillicothe that May, right before my 19th birthday.
Sam spent our wedding night "trolling" city park trying to "score" drugs.
I got pregnant soon after. Sam's addiction became real to me -- if he could not get drugs, he'd get high on alcohol, if neither were available - he'd get high by beating me.
In July of that year, Sam's mother pinned me down and refused to believe my lies concerning the bruises and black eye - I told her and she immediately called my mom in La. and put me on a bus for home.
Gary was born in Feb. 1983. I divorced Sam 1 year after we were married.

B ) Hannah Phase

I rededicated my life to JESUS and dedicated my son to GOD.
I met and married Norman Robertson in 1984 - he adopted and raised Gary as his own.
We were a church family. Both of us were weak Christians but we kept trying to do things pleasing to GOD.
Gary at 5 years old, sitting in revival service turned to me and said "JESUS is knocking on my heart". What a thrill for a mother to hear such confidence of salvation from her child.
For 9 years, we lived in a state of contentment - church service, family life, Gary involved in basketball and football - normal stuff.
But when GOD decided to present a challenge - I failed HIM.


C ) Prodigal Phase

At 29 years old - I entered into total rebellion against GOD.
I had thrown away the 1st 2 opportunities GOD had given me for college and also a 3rd one where I spent 2 more semesters at the beginning of my marriage to Norman.
Now here was a 4th opportunity (By the way, all 4 of these were missions related)
somewhere during my 2nd semester of nursing school I started drinking.
I would stay out all night to keep from driving 40 miles (drunk) from school to home - I'd tell Norman I was working.
Around Thanksgiving of 1991 - Norman confronted me - I confessed to the alcohol - he gave me an ultimatum -" straighten up or leave." I left. I left Gary with him.
Life went down hill from there - alcohol took over - flirting games began - I learned how to use men to get what I wanted, whether it was booze, money, or even grades. Actually made it to 1st semester junior year of nursing school in this lifestyle, then flunked out.
By this time, Norman had remarried. I really went wild after our divorce - bartending for a living - lived in my car for about 6 months...

The year Gary turned 13, Norman (whose remarriage had not lasted long) took a job in Mobile, Ala.
Gary did not want to move - he came to live with me (my mom was letting me stay in her trailer at the time).
Gary had quit sports and was no longer an honor student. His friends were not the best kids. But, I was so caught up in "my world" I wasn't aware of all that he was dealing with. He began his prodigal phase.

I got pregnant around March 1996 (Warren Flowers, man I met in the bar) and began to try to mend my ways.
Norman moved back to La. that fall. Mason was born in Dec. of 1996. Gary had a slight change for the better for a while - we were almost like a whole family again - but we were doing it all on our own power. Norman had become bitter and sarcastic toward the church. I was too ashamed to want much to do with God and Gary was floundering with no foundation. He got involved in drugs and drinking.
I had slowed down my activities because of Mason - but if the opportunity arose to leave Mason with a babysitter and go "party" - I took it.

On my 35th birthday, I had stayed out all night (drunk), Gary confronted me - I was so stricken by my 15 year old son saying things to me that I had been saying to him and knowing it was true ---
I admitted being an alcoholic and set about to not drink anymore and straighten my life out --- again doing it on my own.

Gary quit school the next year and moved out on his own - going from one trouble to the next - he spent his 17th birthday in county jail for dealing drugs and lost his driver's license @ 18 for DUI - and still going and ducking and dodging (please pray).

I fell into a bout of depression and ended up marrying a man who had been a drinking buddy of my dad's. He was controlling, verbally abusive and mean - spirited. I didn't much care how he treated me (I was still into self-punishment) but I began to notice the effect he was having on Mason (4 years old at the time).

It was for Mason that I began to attend church ( the same church where I had been baptized 28 years earlier). I was trying to find my way back to GOD - not realizing that HE had never left me all those years. HE had been standing by, waiting for me to turn to HIM.

Irvin (my husband) had allowed me to work in Bible School and maybe it was the breath of freedom I experienced for 2 hours each night - 2 hours spent with people who loved the LORD and loved me (no questions asked) and loved Mason - but for some reason (it was GOD of course); the Sunday after Bible School - Irvin went to the coffee shop - I picked up Mason and a few things, got in my car and started driving.
I drove from Brookhaven, Ms. straight to Thomaston, Ga. (this was a miracle because I am infamous for getting lost coming home from work - that reminds me of a funny story - remind me again sometime, I'll tell you).

Anyway, at midnight I stopped at a payphone in Thomaston, Ga. (a place that I had never been to) and called my cousin whom I had not seen in over 10 years and had only communicated briefly through e-mail - I was only 5 miles from her house - she said "come" - and met me in the darkness at the end of her 100 yard long driveway with a flashlight shining on the road so I would see. Gwen and Preston took me and Mason into their home and thus began:

D) My "woman meeting JESUS at the well" Phase:

I have a friend who sings a song called "Fat Little Baby". It talks about a person who becomes a Christian but never grows. Never being fed anything other than milk. I see my life in this song. I was just a fat little baby in the LORD for so long. HE bottle-fed me and I grew fatter and fatter but when GOD said it is time to put away the bottle and eat some meat, I pouted and cried and threw a fit "I don't want to". I crawled away from GOD on my chubby milk fed legs and landed in the arms of satan's caregivers. I replaced my milk bottle with a vodka bottle.
But, GOD was there all the time, waiting for me to reach my arms to HIM, so HE could pick me up and hold me in HIS arms and assure me of HIS love, mercy and forgiveness. GOD used Gwen and Preston to show me unconditional love and acceptance and to show me what forgiveness and responsibility were all about.
GOD used the Univ. of Ga. Center for Food Safety to show me that even though I had thrown all the educational opportunities away -- (I quit over and over and never did earn that degree - I had totally given up on dreams of working in science, esp. in a lab. It was totally God who put me here. The day I went to interview for this job, I had told my cousin that I knew I would not get it, because it would be too much fun.
It has taken me a long time to learn that God does desire to give His children good gifts.) -- HE could still use me -

I had given up "dreams" of mission work but HE placed me smack in the middle of various international people (multi-culture and varied religious backgrounds). GOD gave me a job I love and am qualified for because of the various college courses over the years, even without an actual degree. HE placed me in a church where I heard and understood what it means to make JESUS, "LORD!"

GOD is still showing me daily how to use the lessons of my past and I will continue to fill in details as GOD continues to use me to witness of HIS redemption.

There is one detail I'd like to add in here - I wish I could say that I have been alcohol free since the day Gary confronted me but that isn't the way it was. I am alcohol free now - thanks to JESUS! Sober since 2002.

I am not proud of those experiences but I am pleased and amazed that God loved me through them all. I am learning to be grateful for the lessons learned from that kind of life. They are becoming more and more useful as I allow God to use me.

So many of those years were spent in running from God; in refusing to allow Jesus to be Lord. But, Praise the Lord, I am HIS child and I am no longer running. I have learned that HE must be LORD and MASTER as well as Savior!

It isn't enough for me to say, "GOD, You take over", expecting HIM to order my life as I were a robot. HE expects me to work at knowing HIM. It is the easiest hard work that will ever be.


Psalm 138 : 23-24
Search me, O GOD, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.

Jesus says, " I AM THE WAY"


GOD knows our needs and what will fill those needs so much better than what we think we need.
HIS blessings are always so much more than what we imagine.
When we ask for something and truly repent and follow HIM as LORD - HE not only gives us what we ask but so much more and so much better than we deserve. PRAISE GOD!!!

GOD is teaching me daily that when I seek to really know HIM- an intimate relationship- a deep desire to know HIM and be like HIM - then I will desire only HIM - my purpose being only and always to bring Glory to HIM.

Psalm 20:4-5
May HE grant you according to your heart's desire, And fulfill all your purpose. We will rejoice in your salvation, and in the name of our GOD
we will set up out banners: May the LORD fulfill all your petitions.

Father God, yes, living a normal life is hard work and living a Christian life is even harder work for this flesh. But, YOU, O LORD, make the burdens light and the task of obeying YOUR WILL enjoyable. Thank you LORD JESUS for the easiest hard work I have ever had to do. Amen

DOING IT ALL THE WRONG WAY
OR
HOW TO RATIONALIZE SIN
(2002)
 

Somewhere in the end of July last year, I was convicted of a certain sin in my life. I was a flirt, seeking the favor of men. I felt I needed adoration from males to validate me as a woman.
When GOD began to deal with me concerning this I fell down before HIM and confessed and repented only to find myself getting up and continuing in my verbal flirtations. One Sunday, I had gone to the altar and again asked forgiveness but this time my heart was broken over this sin and I began to pray that God would increase my desire for HIM far above my desire for men. This time I did begin to change and every time I resisted the temptation to flirt - I would praise GOD for HIS love. I still had a few slips but I was growing stronger.
(That particular day as I left the altar, I bumped into a man leaving the altar to return to his seat - this did not register with me until later).
The Sunday before Labor Day, I was at church alone (Mason had stayed with friends). I was in my car ready to back out of the parking spot when a man walked in front of my car on his way to his truck. He waved (probably out of habit).
I felt a strong urge to go speak with this man - I fought this urge because I felt it was my old nature rising up - but the more I fought it and prayed for help to resist temptation the stronger the urge became. I rationalized that it must be God wanting me to go talk to him. I began to remember other times I had seen him and he was always alone. I even said "O.K. GOD, this better be of you"
I walked over to his truck and knocked on the window.
That is how I met Bill.
(He told me later, that not too long before this he had told GOD "I give up on women - I don't want nothing more to do with them - GOD, if you want me to have a woman you will have to put her in my face")

By the way, the man that I had bumped into at the altar a few weeks before was Bill.

After that meeting, there was a series of events that brought Bill and I together even though we would tell ourselves and each other that we did not want to get involved. We began to “believe” that it was God’s plan for us to be together.


This is what happened:
I met Bill at Mountain View Baptist church in Thomaston, Ga. in August 2002. We connected instantly – we shared so much in our backgrounds. Two of which were alcoholism and a deep desire for the Mission Field (we had both surrendered to mission work in our past but had never followed through).
Bill proposed to me in Nov. and we planned to be married in Jan. 2002.

E) Johanan Phase (taken from Jeremiah 42 –43; where God’s people in their rebellion relied on their ways and went to Egypt even after GOD said “Do not go to Egypt)

But at Christmas in 2002, we found out that the wife he thought was an “ex” had never filed the divorce papers and refused to do so. She had left him 3 years before.
We just knew GOD wanted us to be married –
That it was HIS will for us to be together –
We were soul mates
We were Isaac & Rebecca (God chose her for Isaac’s wife)
We were Adam & Eve (created for each other).
Bill was ordained and licensed as a minister in Texas. We convinced ourselves that we could “marry” each other so on New Year’s Day 2003, Bill officiated our “wedding” with Mason and our neighbor Tony as witnesses.
We so totally deceived ourselves. We truly believed we were married. We felt and filled the roles of husband and wife – we presented ourselves to Mt. Gilead Baptist church in March 2003 as a married couple and introduced ourselves to everyone we met as husband and wife; even announced our marriage to friends and family.

We tried to make something that was clearly not God’s way to be HIS will.
But even with all the self-deceit and denial of the sin we were committing, GOD was still lovingly working on us – pricking our consciences with legal things like income tax, etc.
I think Bill felt the convictions stronger or at least acknowledged them sooner than I did.
He had gone before the church in an answer to GOD’S calling him to the mission field and was in the process of getting things together to help Moses Kaziba build a radio station in Iganga, Uganda, Africa.
When he filled out his passport application – he had to put Jeannie as his legal spouse.
I didn’t realize this that June; it wasn’t until much later that I was able to look back and see what happened.
Bill was in constant battle from the time he rec’d that passport until he finally broke.
But he broke in the wrong direction.
In August 2003, Bill went on a 9 day drinking binge totally destroying what had been our life together.
He moved out and we began confessing to our church and friends that our marriage had not been legal.
After his 9-day binge, he began the process of being sober again.
We still saw each other daily and after having confessed of our willful disobedience to GOD and receiving HIS forgiveness and experiencing the unconditional love and acceptance from our church family – we began to make plans for a future together.
He once again contacted Jeannie about a divorce – she still refused. We gave it over to GOD to deal with. Bill was still planning to go to Uganda and we were waiting on the LORD.
In October 2003, Bill began to get sick – he got to a point where he could not work his job because of excessive fatigue and dizziness.
I drove him to the VA hospital; as soon as they rec’d the lab report from the routine blood work they admitted him not understanding how he was not in a coma.
His Calcium levels were way too high. He stayed in the hospital until Thanksgiving – they found a very large tumor in his liver that could not be operated on nor would it responds to treatment.

As soon as he was given the diagnosis he contacted a lawyer – he wanted the divorce even if she did not consent - he also started adoption procedures to make Mason his son.
He accepted that GOD was not going to allow him to go to Uganda and turned the VA hospital into his mission field.
He was discharged from the VA on Thanksgiving – I brought him back to my house and took care of him – no one faulted me on that and we kept our promise to GOD to wait on HIM.
Bill died on Feb. 13, 2004 in our home after having spent 12 days unconscious in ICU with internal bleeding – none of the paperwork had been completed for divorce or adoption.



When Bill found out he was sick last November - my life was pretty well centered around that. After he died, Feb. 13, I was pretty out of touch with things for a long time.

I stayed very busy with my work and with Mason (who by the way has been wonderful in the way he has tried to "look out " for me). God indeed blessed me with a special little boy.

It was easy to stay busy at work because we had a deadline on a project that we were doing. The only problem with the deadline (August) was that it also meant my job would end. There were no more projects that could be done in Griffin.

At first I was not too concerned - I had hopes that God would send me to Uganda, Africa (I was thinking I could fulfill Bill's dream).
But, HE kept telling me "no". I did not want to hear that.
This along with the grief I was experiencing was leading me into depression.
Moses Kaziba (our friend from Uganda) came to the States around Easter time.
Along with his condolences concerning Bill, he had some words from God for me.
At first all I could hear was the negative (God saying "no"; thoughts of adding another widow and orphan to a country of widows and orphans, etc.) These were not the things Moses was saying, these were my thoughts and reactions to what I perceived him to be saying.
Through much prayer (my own and others) I was able to rise above the depression and as the clouds of gloom began to lift - God was able to speak to me.
The things that Moses had said came back to me.
Along with readings from God's word, words from all my Christian brothers and sisters...
it all finally broke through...

One of these truths had to do with the fact that we cannot see our lives the way God sees us. He already knows the beginning to the end. He knew the lives that Bill's life would touch and for how long and what the outcome would and still will be. He knows the lives that my life will touch and what the outcome will be. I have to totally trust in HIM wherever He places me.
When I came to Ga. 3 years ago, I was running from a bad decision.
But, God knew how HE would use me here, how HE would grow me here.
He knew that I would meet Bill and all that we would go through. HE had a plan. HE used me to influence my best friend (Lynne) to accept Jesus as her Saviour and HE used her and her unique circumstances to help me through my grieving.

There was a sermon I heard once that has meant a great deal to me and has helped me to trust God even when I do not understand the "why" of things. It had to do with the idea that in order for God to get us to our destination (i.e. the promised land) He has to lead us through the wilderness.
If HE just let us run straight to point "C" from point "A" we would not be prepared.
Point "B" is where we learn what we need in order to conquer point"C";
in order to fully enjoy the land flowing with milk and honey.
Sometimes we can not see the endpoint from the beginning so HE takes us to points along the way that allow us to glimpse what is ahead and sometimes it is totally on faith alone that we follow HIS cloud by day and pillar of fire by night, not knowing what our next step is, only that HE is there before us.

So, here I am in Griffin, Ga. not knowing what I am supposed to do.
I can't go to Uganda. My job is ending. My life seems to be making no sense (all my plans had included Bill and I did not see how to go on without him or how to change my dreams).
I get a phone call from Dr. Mary Alice Smith in Athens, Ga.
She is the lady I have been working for the last 3 years - me in Griffin, she in Athens at the University of Georgia.
She offered me a promotion, which included a small raise and the chance to finish school tuition free. It meant I had to move to Athens.

I really argued with God over this because I did not want to move away from my church family (they have been so wonderful to me and Mason).
For the first time in my life I was facing a move toward something rather than running away from somewhere. I was having to leave things behind that I did not want to lose.
I was scared.

Well, this is where all those realizations of how God works and how HE sees things and knows things that we just have to trust came to be important to me.

  I heard Rick Warren give an example of what happens when we try to change ourselves using our own will power.  He said it was like being in a motorboat with the autopilot set to travel east.  If we physically turn the steering wheel – we can get the boat to turn around and head west but the tension and strain of holding that wheel will eventually break us.  Our muscles will give out, in exhaustion we will give up and the boat will turn back and continue to head east.  It is only when we allow GOD to turn the boat around and rely on HIS unfailing strength that we can head in HIS direction and truly experience change and release from our old nature.

   My focus must be removed from Bill, removed from myself, and placed totally—only—on JESUS.

LORD,

I need to make a total commitment to you.  I need my thoughts changed.  I need YOUR forgiveness and YOUR strength to change – repent.

Give me courage.  Keep the temptor away, please.

LORD, use my life to glorify YOU this year.

Thank YOU for the people YOU have brought into my life.

Thank YOU for the lessons YOU have taught me this past year.

Help me to pass along the love and mercy YOU have bestowed on me.

Since writing the above "life story", I have married and moved to Tupelo, MS.

I wrote him an email that night telling him that I had wanted to kiss him.

At the end of January, I was praying and asking God if I could have Alan - have a relationship with him - a lifetime commitment to him – asking for the things I had not wanted anymore.

Alan had awakened emotions and desires in me (more than physical desires). I was enjoying that he could make me laugh -  I was enjoying folding clothes together, helping him clean house, watching him read... Filling each other’s need to be held... just to be with someone and not alone... laughing, talking, sharing…

In May, Alan found out that the Athens plant (CooperTire) was going to be closing.

There were a lot of decisions that had to be made.

I assured him that whatever he chose, I would be there to support his decision even if it meant moving away.

He chose to accept a transfer from Ga to Tupelo, Ms. 

Alan went through nasal surgery in August.  I was there by his side as he had been for me in March.

On Sept. 11, 2006, Alan began his job in Tupelo living in a motel.  I stayed in his house in Athens.

We were married Sept. 29, 2006.

We only saw each other on weekends until Christmas. 

My job with Dr. Smith at UGA ended.

Alan, Mason and I moved to Mississippi.