Fate has a plan for all of us. And no matter how hard you try to fight and change it, you are going to end up where you were planned to be. In the case of changing my futur, I'm not fighting hard. I'm relaxing, taking time to myself. Going with the flow if you will. I like to think my actions are not influenced, but every action is influenced, and maybe my friends are a much larger influence than myself. But even if I momentarily feel my parents are right, I'm not going to lose track of my own thoughts. I have thoughts that can't be put into words, and feelings that can't be perfectly described. As my parents said I have slipped off track. Although I feel just as much on track as I have before. I think this situation is more of a bump in the road. And what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Self-confidence is a barrier. You need enough of it to not let people bring you down, but if you have too much you simply become an ego-maniac, and lose a lot over time. It is human nature to want to hurt the people that have hurt you. But after giving it some thought, I would like them to hurt themselves, by seeing they have no impact on me any longer. When feeling proud for thinking they've done damage, only to find they have done nothing, they crash. Maybe I was hurt during this, but because it was so gradual I semi-addapted to receiving the put downs and shit they dished out. So when the ultimate disapointment is thrown in my face, I was barley surprised. I feel torn because I do not want one or the other, but the best of both worlds. And my mind is made up the way it is because I feel that is completly acheivable. My life is almost being put together before my eyes. Like different colours all being thrown onto a painting canvas all at once, you know the painting will look good, but if you change anything before the paint drys, the picture will be different. In order for the "paint" to dry, I have to pick a lifestyle and stick to a specific routine. Perhaps I'm getting sidetracked, or not making any sense what so ever. I am going to see a counceler Tuesday, I don't want to. But I promised I would, I don't have to talk, but I will go. I am also going to see if I can get a job Tuesday. I want a job, and I see what the plan was, get me a job before my criminal record is formed. Nice...it rather disgustes me.