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| is it me???? |
its been a lil while since i logged on here so i thought i would catch up and of course have a bit of a whine while im at it. afterall, thats what thoughts is so wonderful for.
well im now 4mths pregnant and really feeling it. im hot and bothered, irritable, emotional, clingy and uncomfortable. joy!!! im also sleeping like a bear through the winter and cant seem to get a damn thing done. its driving me nuts!
in many ways my relationship with the father has improved somewhat. as time goes by, i love him more and more. i just wish i had more of him than i do or that he had more balls to be open about his needs. we recently discussed living together. afterall, we're having a child together and seem to have settled quite comfortably into domestic bliss. he told me he was all set to commit, was happy to give notice on his flat that day, and everything just looked like it was falling into place. all that i wanted was about to become a reality and i was blissfully happy.
and now..........well, nothing!
since that wonderful discussion, we've hardly spent any time together, largely because ive been sick and didnt want to put on him, but we've not even touched on a date when these plans we were making were going to come into being.
ive said this before and it seems i was right..........ian is a people pleaser. im sure he loves me and in his head really wants to be a stand up guy and do what is right but he just seems to tell me what i want to hear and often im not sure that is really what he wants.
as for this latest hiccup...........well im not going to allow myself to become disappointed by a man who makes false promises to keep me sweet. i'll just see how it goes. im a single mum now and if tha\ts how its meant to be then so be it. i'll cope. i just feel like im too traditional for a man like him. ive recently thrown myself back into the church and received so much comfort from my faith that i was beginning to neglect while i was so wrapped up in my relationship. that could really cause problems. he's not a christian and finds the whole thing strangely amusing. im also used to a more traditional relationship. i dont want to live in separate homes and greet him as a visitor, not now and certainly not when our child arrives............and more importantly, i will not live in sin for years. my grandmother once told me that if i was good enough to lay down with then i was good enough to marry and that is something i have carried with me ever since. of course i would never bring this up with my boyfriend. he'd run like hell but i have strong family values and am concerned that his relationship history would prevent him from committing to anyone, even the mother of his child.
we shall see........
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Posted by snugglechum on 2009-08-18 14:50:15 | Rating: | Views: 61
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