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| RELAXATION PLEASE!!!!!! |
I swear I think I'm breaking down or something. You tell me what you think. I haven't been able to sleep very well at all for a few years. I have been grinding my teeth so hard that my jaws hurt when I wake up. I have thought so much about what it might be that's causing me so much distress. Sometimes, I try to think of something that relaxes me, as I am doing this, I automatically hear the disapproving voices of my family in the back of my mind. It automatically snaps me back into stress mode. It's almost as if I have no control over it; it sometimes feels like a automatic "knee jerk" reaction. I haven't really spoken to my family for an amount of years for this very reason. When I was younger, you can imagine the type of childhood I had. I have heard of the term "post-traumatic stress syndrome. I think I might be STILL recoverring from it. It has been a LONG time since I have been around any type of REAL stress, yet I am still as stressed as some people who are in the midst of current stressful situations. Now I have received some advice from people throughout the years, and I have tried to use it to the best of my ability. Meditation, talking, walking, hot tea's, hot baths....yadda yadda, but if/when those suggestions work, it's only for a time. Maybe your mind has a personality of it's own. It seems that as soon as things go right, that's when things get even harder the next time around. I don't know, I just want to know what it's like to be me again. I feel like I've just become a defense for everyone/everything around me. Whenever I used to get something I wanted in my life, or someone I wanted in my life, I felt like I had to hide it from my family. The reason being that they would label it and make it their own. I remember speaking on the phone with a man I loved VERY much, and my mother would walk by and scream; "she's not like that you know!, she's REALLY a brat...I'll tell you, you'll see!!" It's funny, it sounds so "whatever" to a person who's hearing it for the first time, but you have to remember, it was like this in EVERY area of my life. It was like I could never have anything of my own...I could never be happy. My existance HAD to be for sake of another. The more I tried to gain a sense of myself, the harder and louder my family made sure it was about them. Particularly my mother, big suprise there huh? A mother getting blaimed for everything haha. But make no mistake, I have really tried and am currently trying to work on myself, FOR myself...but a lifetime of someone getting in your own way creates a mental hardship that is unimaginable for some. I guess it's hard to be easy on myself...even as I type that out I feel unworthy of it. Like "who do I think I am" type of thing. Geezzz, I don't want to become like that guy from Psycho and dress up like his mother and kill people in bathrooms LOL! If I don't find myself soon, it sometimes feels like that's where it's going. How do I blank out the screams? How do return to that place I once thought was possible to get to? Where the hell did I go?
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Posted by snoopsie on 2009-08-18 19:16:07 | Rating: | Views: 44
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