Thoughts.com Blogs - Is depression the devil?

Today I was so depressed and I have honestly, TRULY, reached a new "low" within my life. I passed by a church (I'm not religious by the way) and I read something (don't remember) on those "churchy billboards" that posted something that applied to me in EVERY WAY. I know that I should have paid more attention, but I couldn't even bother to twist my head far back enough to take a second look. I said to myself "ahhh, don't make too much of that, it's nothing." Now, I am not anti-religion. I believe in God. I believe in prayer and all of that. I was just sooooo "low" that I realized I wasn't.... and honestly COULD'NT, "will" myself enough to even unzip my jeans to take a piss. I wondered what else I was passing by. For those of you who have ever had REAL depression, I'm sure you understand. For those of you who don't....picking myself up by the boot straps is, for a lack of better words, as easy as it is for you to understand depression. I'm constantly fighting this world. I'm constantly losing. I haven't lost the overall fight, but I am at a low score. My life is empty. I have never had a day of fun in my life and I can't honestly say that I was ever "really" happy. I don't remember any good times at school...no ones at home, and my entire life, for some, can be classified as a waste. I digress.....my attempt to reach a certain goal is always beat down by depression. People say: "well, if you don't take that job, if you don't go to school today, if you don't pick yourself up by the boot straps....YOU MUST NOT WANT IT ENOUGH. To tell you the truth...I don't think anyone wants happiness more than me. I want it enough to stay at a "stand still" in order to NOT have any "ties" to anything. This is a harder thing to do than it seems I mean, by now I would have become a druggy, drunk, or party animal. All of these things could have (or would have) led up to a road block in my life. If I would have been a druggy, I wouldn't have the ability to "win"...couldn't have the kids, the marriage, the whole nine yards. So, right now all I do is "stand still". (it seems like the only thing I have the strenght to do anyways) I do this so that when I'm ready, I can fly like a bird and NEVER LOOK BACK. Depression makes it hard to live. It makes it hard to take any step that will or can (or can't) benefit you. This is why I wonder, is depression the devil? Am I fighting the devil? What else on this earth could actually take me away from the "signs"? The only reason I came to type this thing out was because I was soooo depressed that I had to talk it out with my boyfriend. I thankfully got a bulk of it off my chest, but that doesn't mean that it hasnt happened before or will not happen again. I also know that it does'nt necessarily mean that I know all of the times I obliviously passed up a great opportunity that could have, or would have helped me. Depression kills the very thing that makes you human. It tries to destroy you....one painful day at a time. I don't know exactly why I am writing this, but if anyone reads this and benefits from it..cool. If you're depressed...I'm right there with ya buddy. Lifes a bitch...big time. The only thing I can say is that when you're drowning....make sure you have taken every opportunity to help yourself... before you decide to sink.