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| Before she died.... |
Before she died, I looked at my mother, a once horribly difficult task...a duty that diverted my eyes and heart. She looked up at me with fear, and a mountain of remorse. Remorse not so much for whatever failures she felt that bridged the gap between us, but for the inablility to accept them. In this moment, as horrid and heartbreaking as it was, existed also the coming to terms of it all. It was as if she was in shock at how easy it was. If only she would have known it was so easy before the end. Questions filled her head at how it might have been...then peace quickly soothed her heart as she recognized she was doing more of the same. She willingly accepted everything after that. She's always hinted at a humorous carefree style underneith the pain and anger, and it was suprisingly displayed as we both looked at each other and spontaneously laughed; both realizing that we were both merely characters in a once seemingly real and important play....and got way too caught up in the act. She understood herself so well in such a quick span of time . I saw myself in her eyes for the first time..no distortion, no clutter, just effortless acceptance. She was so refreshingly bold with the way she spoke, and quick to wrap all the past struggles of her and I in a neat and careful bow...then toss them into destruction for good. I was beginning to feel unworthy and intimidated by her honesty, and was so ashamed that even one moment passed that I could not entirely handle what I have always said I wanted from her. She then grabbed my hand and cried. She didn't know what was to come. Her fear quickly built up like an ominous wave. She said she didn't want to die, and I quickly, without thinking, asked her if she wanted to live. She just looked at me blankly and stroked my cheek. She said that she's always loved me so much, and that she never understood the bitterness she had towards me until now. I quickly stopped her and told her that I don't necesarilly know anything about the afterlife...no one really does. And, I'm not much of a religious person. In fact, I've really never been here nor there with religion at all. I've studied many and accepted them all for what they were...but there is one thing I want to make clear. If there IS such a thing as re-incarnation, I've heard it said that we come back as our worst enemy. I've always felt that we were on the perfectly opposite sides of the stick. Do me a favor, right here...right now, understand that everything here is just a reflection of yourslef. Your worst enemy is a part of yourself you refuse to accept. So there indicates more you have to be able to see..no matter what it takes. It's all a learning experience, you see. It's not until you are at peace with everything and everyone that you are complete. It doesn't mean you have to like it, love it, just accept it. You are everything you ever wanted to be, everything you despised, and everything you will become. You're perfect, Mom. Even with fear charging up this once peaceful room...you're completely perfect in every way to God...and please, to yourself. She looked at me in shock...then one single tear came falling from the right side of her cheek. I swiped it away, and as I was about to pull away, she grabbed my hand, pressed her face gently into my palm..rested her head, closed her eyes, and was the most peaceful I've ever seen her in my life. I felt honored and overwhelmed by the attention she was expressing. MY mirror was starting to come clear, pieces of myself were coming together and I never felt so thankful for the the most beautiful enemy I've ever known in my entire life.
I wrote this because of the overwhelmingly strained relationship I have with my mother. I have been going through so much with her since I can remember. Yes, this is fiction...sorry if that let's ya down. hehe I have recently gotten into this type of "self-help" mode. It sincerely has done wonders...mostly because my anger and hurt has just hit rock bottom. lol! It's like..where else can you go but up, right? lol Well, Wayne Dyer..the master of self help lol! recommended doing something while we are all living here. Die! lol I thought it was weird and funny too. Yeah, but he said let US be the one to die, like visualize your own funeral...but I thought it would be cool to have my mom die. lol! If you can't find the humor in that, I'm sorry you're so uptight. lol! But really, I was just trying to find the appreciation for my worst enemy. And this has really helped a lot. I hope this helps anyone who might be going throught the same thing. It's funny how much people really do go through such similar stuff. It just really puts things into perspective. Anyways..yeah...love, peace, and hair grease. Byeeee ! :P
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Posted by snoopsie on 2009-06-16 08:33:40 | Rating: | Views: 28
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