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I am so depressed today I can't think straight.
Yesterday my sister-in-law had to put me down again by lashing out with the worst thing possible to say to me. I am so tired of her attacks. After the last one, and eight page letter front and back about my "brass balls" and what not, I thought I'd never speak to her againl. She never apologized for it she actually said she meant every word but perhaps didn't need to be so harsh. Understatement of the year. No one has ever said so many ugly things to me about me before or since.
I've been very good with her though, I sincerely deserve an Academy Award for my finely honed acting skills. I do not nor will I ever understand why she does this, it happens about once every couple or years. I guess she needs a fix of my hurt feelings.
But, of course, I can't just stop there. No, I must keep going and spiral downward into depression. All I can think of are all the ways I have fucked up, or hurt someone, or a time when I was impatient with my children. These thoughts continuously roll over and over in my mind like one tidal wave after another. Crashing around and trashing my serenity. My shoulders ache along with my aching head.
I've never been very good at stopping it. I try to change my thoughts but anything in my life that I've done well seems hollow. Profoundly hollow, like it couldn't have been me, it was the Universe or Angels, but not the real me.
I'll continue on this way, but I don't know for how long. I never do.
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Posted by smilinirisheyes on 2008-05-03 11:29:28 | Rating: | Views: 80
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