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Today has been the first day in most of my forty-three years, that I wasn't angry with my mother. That also brings to me a sense of peace and freedom. The way it was always intended as we were all born free.
I remember being a toddler, probably more than most. My children don't remember being three years old, but I do. My earliest memories are at my grandparents house in Northridge, Ca. There are several for instances that I recall with absolute clarity, mostly the way I felt about myself back then.
I don't know about all grandparents but I think a majority "spoil" the grandchildren. My gramma showered me with love and affection and my cup did runneth over. My grampa let me have my head and do just about anything as long as it didn't hurt me. I know I was born a hairdresser because of the way I used to sit on his shoulders as he sat on the couch watching baseball with a comb giving him as many wild hairdos as I could muster. I felt loved and appreciated and that the world was a brighter place because I was in it. I still simply adore my birthday.
Feeling like that, having all my needs met, is the way I have been struggling to feel again. I've been in groups for therapy, individual counseling and an abundance of alternative therapies to release the pain of living in an abusive household after my stepfather came along, and recall the emotions connected to that particular part of my herstory. That is all I have been after all my life. I've worked like a dog to do it, spent thousands I'm sure...but the good news is I'm getting there. I'm finally feeling like a good person and for as long as I can remember, it's all I have ever wanted.
One thing that kept me from that treasure has been my anger at what happened after we left gramma and grampa's. There were some terrible things, shameful and humiliating. But, somehow I managed to understand that that wasn't who I really am. I chalk it all up to my first three years experiencing the pureness and softness of love. The kind of love that doesn't need any extra words attached to it like "unconditional". The kind of love spoken about in scripture. The kind that just is, where I could be a human being instead of a human doing. And, I thank God/Goddess/Universe for that time in my earliest memory. Had I not had it, I shutter to think of what may have become of me...if I stayed alive.
My mom had a tremendous impact on my life as does everybody else. Even if you didn't have one, the enormity of the impact of that on our lives is immeasurable. However, I've made another great stride, I believe it. I know it. My anger toward her has dissipated and I can breathe a fresh breath of free air.
The way it was always intended.