Did you ever have a bad day that turned into a week? or maybe months? Well, I guess we are alike then. I feel like giving up completely, I just cannot make myself smile any longer. I was so good at that. I got compliments that I was always just happy and smiling. I never really had a reason to frown. Why do these things happen to me now. I feel guilty because I am liar. I been trying and why is it not doing anything for me. I just want to go to sleep or go back home . College is difficult I knew, I just didnt know I would have taken this so hard. 
         I have been crying for the past two days because I dont even know how to begin to start a new routine. I am just as sad as I can be or ever thought I could get to. I have a test on Tuesday and for the first time Im not  studying why the hell should I, another C after breaking my back. I proved I could get As a while back with a little determination now I have much more and what do I get. Stupid stupid stupid me. I am just tired of not being true to myself of not doing anything I want to be doing. Of feeling trapped like  just like an animal at the zoo. 
    I get feed everyday, I get calls to ask of how im doing but at the end of the day Im just so caged in. Its a horrible deseperation I cant take anymore. Whoever said that anything worth having is worth struggling for (or around there) Didnt know what it was not have gotten what they wee working for. I know i have always lived in a nice fanatsy land full of my own illusion to get me thru the day. But I hate it when now I cant even resort to that.  
            Before, I didnt need this stupid lies to tell myself that next time I was going to do better because I was going to try harder. I hate meyself. I hate this stupid life of mine. 
         Lord knows I did try. I dont know if this was jsut not mean for me or Im not doing things the right way.

     I have a sense of desperation. I cannot shake. Ever since the start of this semester,  I have been put thru hell and even when I was "having fun" I wasnt. 
      I hate I cant even talk to my parents for support, its just not the way things are done in my family. Why did I ever want to put this pressure on myself. I could do it , I kept telling myself. I dont want to lie to them and tell them im making the better grades. I know if diidn lie I would be back home, and return home to all those who wanted me to fail. Its so hard waking up in the morning knowing that you are drowning and no one hears you. Because thats the damn truth. 
       The everyday  knowing you have to ;live with yourself is killing me. I feel like I am letting every down and im taking advantage of how much they trusted me. Why arent things easier? Its not even about the stupid grades its just the fact people think I can do it and Im just know realizing Im not meant for this.  Things were never this hard for me. I always just always did good. I had a natural ability to not have to try and just things fall into place. Every time without fail. Now, I am just dying.
     But I bet you no one is going to find out because people just simply decided not to care about me anymore. As sad as that might be its tue.  When is last time someone cared to pay me a visit thats wasnt family? Never How about cared to call when I was home? More than 6 months ago. its a tough life. I have about 1 person tha happens to look out for me when I am in need. Sad part is I just meet her here.  I know you dont need years to become a good friend, but why did I have to waste my time with people that dont care about me.
    If I could begin and describe just whats wrong with me.It would take a long time. 

 That was one of the reasons I started a blog. I didnt want the people on facebook to just go and intrude in my life. I didnt want anyone I knew to be here. I have been the girl to have many many many people that hated me. My car egged, slashed tires, blame put on, many dirty looks, and more things someone as young as I should have not gone thru. But I did anyway, Why is this affecting me Now? Im just so tired.