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So after long consideration, I have decided to try harder. I have checked depression site and things of that sort and it seems i can be diagnosed as depressed. Im not proud of it or anything, but it is a fact that I have to deal with. I have gained weight because as much as I care on how I look, Its not enough to drive to the gym like before. I havent tried in school as hard and as much as I should. I could be Acing all my classes straight throughout and I have to settle for less because of the lack of effort I have been putting forth.Its quite sad actually than from the motivated cute bubbly person I was. I became this cynical hate the world and my life girl. I mean I know I am admitting it here but thats the thing as much as you want to change it. You just cannot. Its like a bodily impediment that does not want you to move foward. I am not saying that things will always be like this.
I have to face the fact that I feel alone. I have friends, but I feel empty like I am in auto pilot. There is no way I can talk to anyone in my family to relate as I mentioned before. I think weeks pass and I forget to call home. But Obviously, they forget too because my phone does not ring. I can expect maybe like 10 calls a day 8 of them being from my distant boyfriend saying he is checking up quickly and how he is thinking of me but just very busy with his life. The other 2 consist of my friends from school saying hey and trying to get together for luch. I have not problem in fact I have gotten used having to spend when being with friends. Nobody likes to lay in bed and watch cable anymore. Everyone is always asking you to eat some place or rent movies or go to the movies. You have to be decently rich to afford an outing. Im tired with my life honestly, there is so much more out in the world and I am stuck reading it from a book. Where a good weekend consist of getting super drunk to forget the test you have coming up or just trying to hook up with random strangers to fill the void. I love to dance and release the stress to be honest it helps me deal with anxiety I have in my body.
The most sad thing happen to me yesterday, I was rushing to change because I had a met and greet with companies that are supposed to further my career after college, and I went shopping for a pant-suit to look professional and realized I got a size smaller in pants that I was. I remember when that size was my "Ohh no Ill never fit in those unless I gain a million pounds. I guess the millions packed on because when I was trying to zipp those pants infront of the mirror and the would not go up. I looked at myself and just cried and cried and cried because I know that I let myself go so much that I dont like to take pictures anymore.I started making myself throw up because I know I should not be eating those things, when I know its wrong. I figured that it couldnt hurt to stop the food from getting in all the way. I hate that. I hate myself for doing it, but the drive to go and run like before is not there. I cannot explain it but it is a horrible feeling to know that you gave up on yourself. You still have to walk around with a happy smile in your face because you'll boyfriend can never know. Your friends would not understand and your parents and family could not have clue. Thats why people commit suicide, you know? When you are surrounded by people is when you feel the most lonely. Im rotting away the best years of my life and I could not do anything to stop it. There comes a time when Negativity sets in and surrounds you , I promise you have never felt a hold so powerful that it consumes every part and being of your body.
Im trying to jump start the college career I always dreamed of, but its not going so well.Everytime I shower I still feel dirty. My money situation is just getting worse. I hate to say this but I know exactly what it feels like to dead. I want so much from my life, but I cant seem to move and inch foward to get there. I surrounded myself with positive quotes pictures and everything imaginable and I still cannot fill a viod that grows deeper. I cannot do anything anymore. |
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Posted by smilingsarahy on 2008-04-07 02:11:54 | Rating: | Views: 52
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Depression is a powerful force. I know as I continue to battle with it off and on. I hope you get the support you need and also don't worry so much about body weight and don't force yourself to throw up. Find someone you can talk to about your problems to get them out there.. a counsellor, a friend, whoever.
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Posted by hairytoad2005
on 2008-04-07 11:05:16
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