So I am home for summer taking some courses trying to get a step ahead and make things easier in the fall for me. I just cant feel at home anymore. I wll be going back to College Station in about a month and I cannot wait to leave. I think I overstayed my visit. I dont feel very comfortable here anymore. I feel like I am held hostage in a sea of questions and the feeling of being very overcrowed. I cant move freely anymore. I cant even drink a Coke without hiding it because my mom goes nuts over my weight and how I am fat and how at her age she didnt have that problem. My dad monitors my eating like I am a binge eater or something. I cant reach in the fridge without getting the third degree. I feel awful. I cant be myself anymore and its killing me. I have four people waking me up in the morning because I overslept once and I missed class. ONCE! I love my family dearly and I wished they got to see more of me, I guess The real me. I lost one size already and im very excited about it. My mom thinks that because im young i should lose the weight by tomorrow. I gained a couple of lbs but its not the end of the world. I never planned to do modeling as my career anyway.
          Im learning how to cook more intricate things. Also, how to make some of my favorite dishes so when I go back to my new kitchen I can replicate them and save me some money on take out. Sometimes I think my parents enjoy having me around the house doing nothing because im at the house. They dont see me much but i still feel like they should understand that sometimes I like go out and spend 2 hours in a store and come out empty handed. Im not in my best financial days ever. Ever since they robbed me I gathered and saved to but back some of the things they stole which lets just say left me very broke. I really dont repeat it to my parents that I need money or to give me any. I think its enough of a hassle with school and all their help. Their support means everything to me. 
           It also seems my friends' lives are changing, one finally opened her eyes about the complete obvious, and the other has realized that there is more ways to cook an egg. I enjoy that time I have with them. They have always been nice and understanding of me leaving. Sometimes, I recent that im not here to be with them and help them through everyday problems like before and I do admit I get jealous  that they have each other to count on. Thats why I bash them, It the envy of knowing I will not have that time with them and Im scared they will forget me because Im not there. They showed me this summer that no matter what we are friends, for better or worse, and in sickness and in health.
           My ex-boyfriend might be might boyfriend again. Im not to keen on the second chance idea. I find that many time it doesn't quite work out as you'd hope. He seems determined though. Enough so that he sat down and drank coffee with me without criticizing my lack of terms. He let me rant on about un-important issues that I notice. When he looked at me and said," I will try for you." I couldn't hope and think how cheesy but the determination in his eyes gave it away. I couldn't laugh; I knew it was serious. I know that relationships at the beginning always have those butterflies and exciting notions about them, but when you have been with someone for a long time you learn that the butterflies cant last forever and you have to start looking at what is really there. I always ask myself, "Is this the man I want a lifetime with?" My answer half the time is NO because we have nothing in common, not the same ideals, morals etc. We share cultural bonds and strong heritage but everything else is polar opposite. Today, I can honestly say I saw him for the man he is and I realized that I Loved Him. I know he would give his life for mine any day, Im serious. Despite of the fact I am always mad or frustrated because we can never agree on anything he just smiles and says, " Its okay, I know I love you and none of the rest really matters." I always get mad too when he said that. How can he put up with someone so stubborn as I am. Its impossible! He has the strenght of 20 man and he doesn't even realize it. I respect him so much. I guess I gave me my answer right there,huh?  I'll wait out a little longer, it wouldn't be me if I didnt.
            I just thought I would write some feelings down. I cant keep it in my head or else ill forget.

Sincerely,
Smiling Sarahy