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| ''Puppy Dog Lies Won't Sweeten the Truth'' |
I'm terrified to fall. I've never admitted that before.
It's comething that I have realized about myself over this past year. I'm so scared to fall that I stop before I can. If there is a chance that I am going to get hurt I don't go further. I mean this both literally and figuratively.
Literally:
I used to be really into skiing. Yeah big surprise, I live in the Land of Snow. My whole family used to go up every weekend to hit the slopes when I was younger. My brother could ski at par with me and we hit double blacks and lived for moguls. One day, I was making my way down a double black on an icy day. A snowboarder took me out from behind and I skidded on the ice and had a pretty nasty wipeout. I was shaken up pretty bad. I haven't seriously gone skiing since that incident and sometimes I'm tempted to when my brother recounts his "epic boarding moments". He's wiped out way more times than I have but he keeps going. He even picked up snowboarding which is more dangerous. I miss out on a lot when my friends hit the slopes and I sit it out but I'm terrified to fall.
On the other hand. I ride horses. I've fallen half a dozen times (some rather nasty ones) and I have no problem getting back on the horse. This is something I have never understood. I am so risk averse but I can ride without fear. Then again, like I always say, it's way more frightening watching someone on a horse than being on one yourself. Most of the time people will ask me if I'm ok and I won't have even noticed that the horse was bucking. Riding is the only thing in my life that makes me not afraid to fall.
Figuratively:
I am absolutely undoubtedly afraid to fall in love. Sure, it sounds cliche but I have scrutinized over this fact until I could explain why. When i meet people, I make it a point to make myself memorable in their eyes. It's something that I have done every since I was 16. My friend's always say that I am one of those people that you want to get to know when you see them. Well the same thing goes for relationships. Apparently guys are drawn to this mysterious energy that I send out. They want to get to know me better and try and figure me out. The reason that I have never been in a "serious" relationship is because I push someone away as soon as they start trying to figure me out. Guys always tell me, "I've never met someone like you." but there is nothing that special about me. I just come off as different at first. Deep down, I'm completely average. And I'm absolutely terrified that once a guy realizes that, he won't care for me anymore. So I push them away before they figure me out, before I fall.
People keep telling me that it's ok to fall but, the truth is, I have never fallen before so how would I know? I've never fallen in love, I've never fallen because of love and it's my own fault. I'm terrified to let someone in because I appear to be more interesting than I really am. They think I'm special and different but I know that I'll end up letting them down.
I've never told this to anyone and I'm nervous about posting this but it's all true. I know how to make myself seem interesting and different but in reality, I would just dissapoint you.
God this is really depressing. I'm not trying to say that I'm a boring loser, I'm just not as special as people think I am. At least in my own eyes.
What I hear:
Laces Out--> USS
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