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| "I Hear that I'm Caught in the Crossfire"
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Two minutes ago I wrote a very long and heartfelt post. It got deleted. Somehow the backspace button came alive and decided to take me back to my homepage as I was typing the security code. After I had a little tantrum that involved a lot of cursing, an almost smashed keyboard and very messy hair I calmed down. Still breathing a little heavy but forcing a smile. Things like this happen. No biggie. At least Im going to keep telling myself that until my breathing gets normal and my jaw unclenches.
Im a little bit of a mess. Im not going to describe all the events that have lead me to this state of god knows what but I will touch on the important stuff.
Last night my two gorgeous friends, N and S, and I went to a charity event. The event was great and I dont feel like typing up everything that happened as I just did a few minutes ago before my computer backspaced on me- ok i feel the anger coming back gimme a few to calm down. Ok. Back to the story. The gist of it is that these guys were hitting on me and I responded very unlike myself. Normally i give back the sass with a side order of wit but this time I was embarassed and shy. These guys were hardly the type to sway me. They were the typical image of "those kind of guys". You know the ones im talking about ladies. The whole leaning against the wall with the nonchalant disposition scoping out all the "fine chicas" hoping to take them back to their place. Ugh dont get me started. Anyway I was dissapointed in myself for the way I couldnt handle them and how they "won" in a way by making me uncomfortable. Not only was I mad at myself but I was confused. Shouldnt I feel a little flattered that they were hitting on me as opposed to my stunning friends? We bumped into them later and we knew what type of guys they were as soon as I could feel the tall one, the one that was calling after me earlier, undressing me with his eyes. By this time I got my regular self back and we chatted them up leaving them a little stunned with our stories (most of which were made up. Last time I checked my name isnt Roxy) and took off before they could ask for our "digits". I know this story seems a little pointless to share but it will make sense in reference to the next one.
Once we left the event, we were heading towards our cab. As we got there a group of British guys walked by. One of them looked at me, smiled and gave me a chivalrous nod. I got into the cab and I nearly burst into tears. What is wrong with me?! A nice guy just acknowledged me with a perfectly friendly gesture suggesting nothing at all and I wanted to cry?! Oh yeah, that makes perfect sense. When a jerkoff guy tries to get me to head back to his place I can joke around but when a perfectly decent guy just smiles at me I want to cry. God im a mess. There were just so many feelings rushing through me at the time and I felt like a total and utter disaster. Then to make the situation so much better I started worrying about lifes pointless problems like "what if i never meet that perfect guy and die an old maid?" and "what if I end up like the crazy cat lady that lives all alone?" and "what if I miss all of the oppurtunites in my life that would lead me to happiness?" Of course thinking of these questions that really dont have an answer didnt make me feel better at all but being a master at hiding my emotions and a professional at blocking back tears I was able to keep all these thoughts from my totally unaware friends who were happily going over the exciting events. I joined in their conversation and blamed my glossy eyes on the lighting.
And that is why I love thoughts. What would I do without you? And to all my beloved friends here, thank you for bearing with me. I promise a much better read next time. If I have seemed a little off my rocker lately, you know why. Im going to pull myself together and put this whole stupid thing behind me. There is no point in dwelling on the past. Until next time (hopefully didnt scare you off forever) arrivederci.
What I hear:
Stripmall Religion--> Sam Roberts
(If youre a fan of Sam Roberts, check out their new album. Nothing short of stellar) |
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Posted by smileforthecamera on 2008-05-30 20:24:50 | Rating: | Views: 77
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you know its funny how one minute we can be completley confident in who we are and know we are in control, then the next an emotional wreck.
i can tell you with certainty, you will not be the crazy cat lady, or that lonely old maid. you are such a wonderful person, and you are going to find an amazing guy to be with :)
sometimes we have to open our hearts a little more than we would like to, and really push ourselves. i for one do not open my heart to just anyone, and honestly i like it that way. it mean's that person would have to be a really special person for me to bear my entire soul to. kind of like you. when you find him, you'll know. and those crazy feelings, will still be crazy, but in a really great way. oh, and your a knock out hun, as your friends are i'm sure, but so are you. :) keep smiling hun, tomorrow's a brand new day.
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Posted by pixierose
on 2008-05-31 00:04:18
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Pixie, hunnie, ive got to say you are one of (if not the) best friend I have on this site. You keep me sane during my moments of insanity and I truly appreciate it. And yes I have no idea what spurred that emotional breakdown, it was totally uncalled for. Whew, I love cats but I dont want to be living alone with them all my life! lol And yes ive got the same thing as you. I dont give my heart away. Now that you explain it, it is better that way isnt it :] Pixie, you are truly my reality check when my mind goes all over the map. Thank you babe, I dont know what I would do without you.
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Posted by smileforthecamera
on 2008-05-31 09:50:47
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Tis funny coz i nodded at a girl when i went to canada this week and she broke down too.
LOL
No im only messing.
I dnt mean to take the piss.
I don't know whats the matter but you know im here for ya.
If you do wanna see a cunty englishman check this out.
These fuckers are known as Chavs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RBelz8BgX0&feature= related
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Posted by eeerm
on 2008-05-31 15:38:20
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Ok I just re-read my comment and it sounds abit harsh.
I'm sorry to hear you had troubles.
It'll pass and i have faith in the fact it won't phase your beautiful soul.
You'll (being you) take it in your stride and come out on top :)
Take care babe and don't cry; rant.
My ears, or eyes LOL can take a good shouting at :)
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Posted by eeerm
on 2008-05-31 16:01:19
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Haha eeerm at first I was thinking wow what a coincidende!! Thank you for being here and I can assure you, you will be hearing more of my crazy rants. And im going to check out the vid. I could use a laugh :] Thanks babe.
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Posted by smileforthecamera
on 2008-05-31 18:24:38
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you write really well!
its weird how things work ay.
and that happened to me the other day, but i got too annoyed to write it again so i didnt haha
take care
x
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Posted by kateee
on 2008-06-01 05:45:44
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I have no advice, coz im a bit down myself...iv been bursting into tears at the most inappropriate times here (and for absolutely no reason), so this is just to say, im with you on this one!
*hugs*
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-02 00:56:57
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Kateee: Thank you! And ugh it is so irritating. I almost didnt post it again.
Angel: Aww sweetie, if you need to talk, you know what to do :]
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Posted by smileforthecamera
on 2008-06-02 17:05:36
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