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| A "reflection" of my Mother
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I walked by a mirror the other day and glanced in it...I was stopped dead in my tracks by what I saw....my mother. Growing up, I was always told I looked like my dad, but right there before my very eyes staring back at me was my mom. My Mom died when I was barely thirty years old. She was only in her fifties, so she was relatively young when she passed. Except for a few wrinkles on my face, my mother’s face was flawless, looking in this mirror, you would think we were twins.
I sat there staring, wondering what kind of person my mom really was at my age. I always only knew her as a Mom, never really pictured her as a woman with feelings that could get out of control in a moment’s notice. I remembered her and my dad together. They always seemed happy. They were always together. You know, “the perfect couple.”
I began to really think about my childhood. My dad worked a lot and was gone a lot. My mom had a really tough time raising five children. I think she started drinking in her early 30's, not a lot, a few glasses of wine a night, but looking back I can now see she needed something to take the edge off. From there, I began to remember her going out with the girls. She would sometimes come home late, all giggling and happy. She would come in to say good night and have this look of wanting in her eyes. I don’t know, maybe it was my imagination, or maybe it is what I feel I am going through lately.
I haven’t fallen out of love with my husband, but I have fallen out of love with my life. Something just feels wrong. I am trying so hard to put my finger on it...yet it eludes me exactly what it is I am wanting. It didn’t happen overnight...it has been happening little by little. First you feel dissatisfied with your job, then your children, then your husband and finally yourself. Everything starts to irritate you and you walk around just plain unhappy.
Did I create this myself...yes to some extent. Has my life been a little bumpy...I would say more than bumpy. I have had a lot of changes with my children becoming “adults,” moving out, yet still needing me for everything. I am not allowed to give advice of any kind, yet I can give them money when needed. My husband has started to go out more...I really didn’t notice at first...thought it was good for him, but one day I realized I am always sitting at home alone....I went from a house full of people to spending a lot of time by myself. Maybe that was it, I didn’t like the company I was keeping anymore....me.
I stared back at the woman in the mirror and remembered the last few years of my mom’s life. I remember how sad she looked, not only because she would miss all of us, but because of all the missed opportunities, the things she never got to do or would ever have the chance. That was the look I saw in my eyes, that half dead, sad look.
I stood back and looked directly at my reflection and said “you are not your mother, you have your whole life ahead of you. You need to get out there and really start living!” That is exactly what I am going to do, because I don’t want to leave this world feeling like I’ve missed a thing.
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Posted by slowtolearn on 2008-07-24 06:51:13 | Rating: | Views: 42
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| Blog Comments
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I know just how you feel -- been there.
I applaud your decision to walk toward happiness.
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Posted by 9roses
on 2008-07-24 07:01:45
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yes,get out of there and really start living!!things will be fine,all my wishes to you
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Posted by nina880224
on 2008-07-24 07:07:50
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Don't ever dislike your own company, you are a wonderfully unique person. Grab it, revel in it, there's no one else in the world just like you.
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Posted by Tony51203
on 2008-07-24 08:13:20
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