Here I is again, tho in new territory.
The last place went sour, well that and a few things really, so I gave it all away. I don't particularly know if the leaving helped much, perhaps I've just miss the relaxing tippety tap tap on the keyboard.
Well actually it did help in the leaving, it was the overall plan to reduce those things that caused stress.
So the forum and it's associated blog, all 3 years and 3 chapters went to lost packet land. A couple of people went by the wayside as well. One of those I thought was a friend, but ended up being a texting, messaging looney, another I knew was a good friend, but I just couldn't handle it anymore.
Couldn't handly anything really, a heaving chest and glistening eyes at the Docs, borrowing their tissues and a long consultation later, it was confirmed.
The Dark black door of depression had gone past just sitting on the step and the shadow had planted itself firmly in the neurones.
Luckily I wasn't prescribed any of those drugs, I doubt I would have taken those mind altering substances anyway. My naturopath boss tossed me a bottle of mineral pills to help the nerves (and help they do), which I generally take regularly, but one of the signs of depression is a lack of concentration, so it is a bit of a task to remember the pills and then again to remember to take them.
Apart from the lack of concentration, and it's not just finding it hard to concentrate, it's a full on disapearing act of the brain, a couple of times early on I found myself kinda 'waking up' while driving. I couldn't remember the last 3-4 kilometres I'd been travelling, or anything in its passing, like waking up from a day dream. That scared me most so the appointment was made to get help.
Other effects that I don't usually suffer is sneezing and being a little congested. Minor headaches that appear for no reason, lurk a bit and then just as suddenly disappear. And just feeling generally unwell with those continuing thoughts that plague the mind.
The Doc recomended that I make an appointment with a psycologist, which I duly did, with a month to wait. I have since cancelled that for a couple of reasons, one of them financial, but made another appointment another month down the track.
But because while thinking about what was making me feel this way, I realised what it was and need to do something about it first.
I'm also a little embarrassed about going to a shrink, my analyst, my therapist - all the cliches you can ever possibly imagine on any afternoon TV show.
Anyway, the plan is in motion, its something that I hinted about on old versions of slothville (tho it wasn't called that at the time) but never really answered properly, and perhaps I still won't here, but just drop big fat hints instead.
To skirt around the topic again, the plan involves a fair bit of travel, about a grands worth all up, full days there and back sitting around in airports to meet up again with my mother and my sister. To discuss their aims and also to make my presence felt as being so far away I am (I feel) as the forgotten one.
It's been going on for too damn long, pretty well 15 years now, resentment, bitterness, disapointment. Practically every negative emotion that relationships can cause. And being family, it's not something you can easily escape from.
So I'm on my way in a few more weeks on a bit of a search mission, to clear the air and to come to a personal ultimatum. As the doc put it - You are the castle, within the walls you keep close all those near and dear, husbands, wives, children and closest friends. Within the city walls are others, friends, associates and aquaintenances. Ouside the city walls are those that you never see or know, those who have no effect on your persona. Members within any of those zones can move back and forth, closer or further away. You decide whom can gain entry into a trusted zone, or whom can drop crumbs on the carpet.
Doc warned me about what I was thinking to do and I realise why now.
I am essentially about to decide if they get to put their feet up on the coffee table. I'm not holding out a lot of hope, but then again it won't be a helluva lot different to how things have been so far. So the main problem that I think I will face should I be ultimately disapointed, is how I am going to resolve that and be able to move on without hanging on to the regret and letting it continually eat me up - hence my second appointment with the pysco when I return. To learn me some skills.
Yeah yeah I know, its counting the chickens and all that, but when you've only got past experiences to go on, well thats what there is.

and a lil joke...

Bono from U2 silences the stadium audience
and begins a slow clap
and breathes into the microphone (as he does)
"With every clap, a child dies in Africa"
from mid way back a voice yells
"Well stop clapping ya bloody idiot"