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Bleh. Three days since my last post. I'm not dead yet. Truth be told, I don't think I would ever dare.
But I'm still numb and scared, that part is true enough. I went to the grocery store today, and had to come back home because I was choking back screaming in the dairy isle. A panic attack I guess.
My fears:
He will leave me stranded
He will leave me (for a man)
He will tell me he wants to live as a woman full time
He will lie to me and tell me its ok when it isn't
I will have to face (family, friends, neighbors) who know the truth & judge both of us
I will be alone
I have no one who I can tell
I want to tell everyone, but I don't want anyone to know. I want everything to go back to what it was.....but that has been a lie. I want to be enough.
And, a lot of the time.....I want to be dead.
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Posted by sixdogs on 2008-09-16 12:43:32 | Rating: | Views: 59
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Hi!
I know how you feel, you want to scream so loud but you don't want anyone to hear it because they might think that you have a problem.
but you really don't have to go through all this you know!
what if all what you fear happend? sometimes when you think of how things will be it is defenatly scareier than the truth.
and even if it does happen . . . trust me I've had many times when I was judged by people, rejected by the ones I loved, betrayed and left behind.
But what I found out is that there are many things to learn:
1- the people who don't care about me why should I hurt for them and wish to be dead while they are living smoothly and have a chance to heal me but they wont? they don't deserve my love and feelings for them. (and trust me I even tryed to be dead and it didn't work)
2-these accidents makes you stronger, so what if they judge us? aren't they just like us?, but since we are weak we don't have the time to look into their secrets and judge them in return. Trust me if you dig into their minds and the things that you don't know you will find many thigs that will make you realize that they are not better at all but maybe even worse.
3- trusting and loving someone is something that can cause you pain sometimes but the laughter, smiles, tears, pain, and even depresstion are what we call life, and since you are strong enough to scream what you feel like this, and show this time of weakness to others, then I know that you are strong enough to get trough whatever you are facing right now (it takes a lot more courage to show true feelings, tears, and weakness than it takes to pretend that you are fine when you are not.)
don't think of dying now if you are afraid of hitting the ground after jumping off a building.
I know that the sun and flowers wont make you feel better now, but, the world is full of people, me, you, and any other person is very small and limited why don't we open up to others?
why don't we look for someone just as sensetive and understanding as we are? if I exist then there must be at least one person that will understand me and treat me just as right why don't we start looking for that person? And I am sure there will be more than just one.
and one more thing try to remember really well because the meaning to it is simple but true: there is no point in worring about what you can't control let it be and move on because no matter what you do you will not be able to control it and as they say no matter how careful you are SHIT HAPPENS!
I hope I made you feel just a little better I really do. Because I truly know how you feel, I have been through this for a very long time.
please cheer up and dare to live, and I will support you from here to where you are.
YOU ARE STRONG AND COURAGIOUS I BELIEVE IN YOU!
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Posted by watashi
on 2008-09-16 13:21:58
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