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This was an anonymous post in a missed connections page:
(To save confusion, I'm the one who posted it)
I hate you not talking to me...I miss you more than words can even express. I love you. More than life, more than anyone in the world, more than ever. I haven't told you how very much I love you, and I should. Stupid. Every time I see you I want to melt into your blue eyes. Every time you hurt I worry for you, I want to make it better. I could spend the rest of my life catering to your every wish, want, need, fantasy. And be so happy doing it. You think I'm too strong willed, that I'm a risk. You don't know that the only reason I fight is to keep from falling even harder, to keep from showing you the truth. I lost you once, and we stayed friends. I never told you how much you mean. Stupid.
If you knew how hard it is for me to be aloof, to stay back, to leave our relationship where it is, you would know just how hard I fight. I fight to keep it level, to keep my feelings from interfering in your life. And I'm dying with want. But I'd rather die with want than to have to beauty and strength that you are gone from me forever. Please forgive me, because without you there isn't much to me. There hasn't been since the first time you kissed me.
My head hurts tonight. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I was so angry at him, at everything. I can't believe the amount of time in my day spent thinking about him, worrying for him, for me. Us. What a strange concept. That there is even an "us" to think about. Not in the traditional sense, but that it is there.
When I was in junior high, I had the biggest crush on a boy named Kevin. Kevin was my little 8th grade soul mate. We did everything together, we ate, talked, hung out, did homework...everything. Yet I was never happy because I wanted to be his girlfriend. Turns out that as far as the entire school was concerned, he was. We were selected unofficially to be the "cutest couple" of the grade. I was too busy wishing for more to enjoy the fact that I got to do and be everything for him that a girlfriend would have.
Granted, I'm an adult now, the emotions, actions, everything is more complex. The stakes are higher. I no longer dream about being the girl who gets to slow dance. I want to be the woman he marries, who he spends the rest of his life with. I want to bear his children, to care for him when we are old together. There is a world of difference between a crush in school and truly believing that you have met the other half of your soul. He is it. Seven years of belief, of a stoic and solid love have shown me that I have more patience than I ever thought I did. I really understand now that there are some things that I would be willing to spend the rest of my life waiting for.
On the other hand, how different is it, in a contextual sense? I serve all the emotional and physical roles of a girlfriend for him. I am there emotionally, I am with him physically, I know every aspect of his life, advise when I'm asked to. Am I just missing the forest for the trees? We talked today. I got nasty with him. I told him I was dissapointed in his actions. He felt the need to contact me, speak person to person as opposed to text messages. He told me he hadn't written me off, that he wasn't planning on getting rid of me. Just that I scared him with my reckless attitude, that he didn't know what to make of something so obviously out of character. That there were things happening in his life that distracted him from the situation, and that he wasn't aware of the fact that there was a time line to this whole mess.
I told him that blatantly ignoring someone who was doing her best to rectify the situation was a sign of disinterest. Even worse, hanging up on someone trying to contact for reconciliation was a definite sign of finality. He told me I was wrong, that I mistook it all. So here I am, heartbroken, hopeful, headachey and melancholy at the whole damn thing. My brain is growing weary, but my heart soldiers on. What to do?
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Posted by sinsation on 2008-08-28 00:37:24 | Rating: | Views: 40
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Give up... but then, you can't. So... in truth... seriously... you have to find out what you want in your own happiness. Sometimes, when you are more sad than you want not to... you are just not going anywhere...
I think... he just don't understand you... and I think it is time... to start over again...
But that is just my opinion... but don't drag it too long... it will not be a healthy thing for you and believe me, you do not want to end up at the wrong perspective of love which cause you more hurt and pain than being happy. At least being happy... is what matters most.
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Posted by hairyLGS
on 2008-09-07 07:20:29
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