I talked to C., who doesn't know where or how to find this particular little piece of neurotic catharsis, but does know of it's existence as well as of his role in it. He has teased me about it, asked me where he can find it, what name it's written under, but always with the knowledge that I can't or won't tell him, that it really is much too raw, too powerful (to me) and too dangerous for me to share with him. He isn't an invasive person, he lets me have this little piece of myself all to me, without too many questions, and only a few well meaning jibes. Here is my problem:

He is such an open and honest person, he doesn't hide things well, and doesn't understand my need to keep the things I put here from him. He wouldn't pester me about it, and honestly I think that he may have a fair idea of some of the things I do put here. But I don't think he knows the depth of it, the intensity of the ridiculous emotions I have. The fact that I even feel so strongly about him is testament to me of some sort of mental deficiency. I should know better, know more than I do than to carry on in the stupid manner that I do. But he told me that he is the sort of person who would put it all out there and deal with the consequences rather than sit on it, and let it eat at him. "I would rather say what I had to say than risk losing something because I didn't say it, but that's just me."

I want to, I really do. I want to be able to tell him that I love him, I desire him, and that right now I can't act on it because of other things going on in my life. I'm just so scared of what his response will be, and for the first time since starting this blog I don't feel satisfied to just put it here and forget about it. Please, someone, help me...tell me what I should do, because now I am starting to feel strangely exposed and strangled at the same time, and I still am so lost it's not even funny.