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So I screwed up my courage and asked C. if he could consider dating at some unspecified date in the future. As the title may suggest, this was not the rousing admission of mutual admiration I had been hoping for. Nay, predicting, based on my own delusions and his incredibly mixed signals.
He let me down gently, as only he can, but there was a difference this time. I could see through the kind words to the real point underneath them. What he said with his prose and prosiac attitude was simply this: I have no interest in you. You are fun to toy with, fun to flirt with and giggle with and use as a sounding board, but you are not, now or at any point in the future, anyone with whom I could even begin to feel love for. I am a safe bet, because I laugh at the punch lines, I listen when he needs an ear to bend or shoulder to cry on, and I boost him up when there is no one else to do so. I don't flatter him, I don't believe in false flattery just to appease the male (or female) ego. But I am also very honest. He is a genuinely good person, a great person, and an incredible friend, and these qualities that make me love him long after the romantic fact are the things that I share with him. I refuse to prostrate myself on the alter of past loves, but I truly think that every human being on the planet needs to hear from someone that they have worth, that they are thought of and cared for and loved. Truth be told, I like doing these things, because it makes me feel like a better person when I am able to comfort and expound on another person's greatness.
The down side to this, however, is the fact that I have placed myself irremoveably into "best friend" territory. He knows that he can let me down and I will not run away from him, I will not avoid his gaze, and I will not change into someone or something other than what I have always been, because that is honesty. He knows he will not lose me because he doesn't want me romantically. He knows I will always be here in one form or another, checking on him, caring, and worrying. This is enough for him, and that security has given him the freedom to decide that I am not needed in any other capacity, especially a romantic one.
I can say that I retained some dignity by not expounding the depth or breadth of my feelings for him, that I only tested the water for casual dating. He need not know how much I care, because that is a burden that he doesn't deserve to carry. I don't want him to feel awkward, like he is on a pedestal that he cannot possibly climb down from. It is painful to know that someone adores you and you are not able to reciprocate. I have felt the pain from that side of the fence with my husband, and I wouldn't wish that anguish on anyone. Especially a very dear friend. When he gently told me that no, dating was not an option, we continued our conversation as usual, and are still talking and joking and enjoying each other's company like usual. The thing I feared the most was altering a good relationship into something strange and uncomfortable, and I am happy to say that that did not happen.
I still maintain that sometimes the knowledge that you are loved is more important than knowing who loves you, but I would like to add this thought: If you must know who it is who loves you, then know it. But also know this, that it is the fact that you are loved that remains the most important part. He knows now one of the many who care to that extent, and he is happy and secure in that knowledge. He does not have to return my emotions for them to ring true.
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Posted by sinsation on 2007-12-14 22:43:42 | Rating: | Views: 101
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I really, really liked your blog. One of the best I ever read. I could relate to so much of it. Thank you.
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Posted by HungryHeart
on 2007-12-14 23:01:22
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