| View Blog
|
|
|
I am at it again, talking to C. and all the while wondering why in the hell I am doing these things. We talked about sex again, and he openly admitted to wanting me. Badly. I want him too, so much that it hurts, and I don't just mean sex. I want him, the whole package, as badly as I have ever wanted anything in my life.
I know better then to get into those detailed, sexually explicit conversations with him, because it really is playing with fire. It will come back to bite me whether I want it to or not. I will end up ruining my marriage completely, I will wind up crying even though I shouldn't, I will end up wishing I never started this. It can't end well. Either we will have sex, I will be a stupid, selfish unfaithful whore of a wife who has broken the bonds of holy matrimony. (No matter how bad my marriage is, it is still a sacred institution. I believe you either respect that or get a divorce, no two ways about it.) Or I will leave my marriage and be a fuck buddy, probably nothing more than that, and that will hurt too, I will still feel just as cheap as I did before I left my marriage. Or I will continue to flirt shamelessly, and feel that intense painful longing. Even if we don't talk, I still feel it, deeply and painfully, it's there like an ulcer or tumor. The ache to feel C. in my arms, inside of my heart, head, and needless to say, body.
I'm sick sick sick! I should know better than this, I should be stronger than this! To give into such a base desire, like a love sick school girl, is so incredibly wrong. I keep telling myself it is love, but it couldn't be, could it? How can you love someone you barely know, someone who you have barely known for six years? Just because that rush is there, never dying, never dwindling, doesn't make it love. It makes it a long lived and ridiculous crush. We were only seriously dating for six months. Just because we can't get out of each other's heads doesn't mean anything. I am not the one who got away, I am the one who was catch and release. But he only ever partially let go, or else we wouldn't be back in this twisted little circle we are in. This rut.
I'm getting in too deep. I need to step back from the precarious situation and reevaluate what the hell I am doing with my life. I'm going to get hurt, either way. But my family, my children and husband don't deserve to go down with me. C. is an addiction, and like all addictions, I need to work past this. I don't want to, anymore than someone knee deep in the bottle wants to. But for my own good, I need to, Please, please God, help me. Show me what and where I need to be in my life to be happy and not hurt anyone else. Because otherwise....otherwise....
|
|
Posted by sinsation on 2007-11-26 00:13:15 | Rating: | Views: 135
|
| |
|
|
| Blog Comments
|
|
|
|
Everyone always say - if it makes you happy go for it. Nobody think about the consequences of what comes after next. Nobody thinks about... contentment.
The problem is everyone wants to be satisfied with their own selfish needs. Life is no longer a television series unless you want it to. In reality, when desire is stronger than love, desire always wins. But if you can see pass through everything in front of you, no matter how bad it is life becomes, there is always time to talk... to sort out problems... and to change.
Just make a decision and then, live with it. In every decision there is always a consequences. No one is right... it's only what's right and what you really want in life.
|
|
Posted by hairyLGS
on 2007-11-26 00:24:16
|
|
|
|
|
I say live a little and go for it, if you think it's love than take it, don't try to stop it! Love is a powerfull force that is only hurtfull to us if we try to deny it. Believe me this sounds like love, and just because you love someone does not mean that you can't want them, infact you should have a burning desire for him.
|
|
Posted by technerd
on 2007-11-26 15:35:04
|
|
|
|
|
Wow, that's a hell of a blog, it actually almost turned me on! but I digress, you have a simple problem with a complicated solution. In the one hand you have your marriage and family, in the other, this guy that you want to shag, I mean be with. The question is what do you want the most? Remembering that what you probably feel for this guy is lust and not love are you willing to lose all you have for him who more than likely does just want you for a fuck buddy. When you have the answer to that your halfway there.
|
|
Posted by Huj_d
on 2007-11-26 18:17:16
|
|
|
|
|
|
