I went out with C. last night, just the two of us. This is something we haven't done in ages, usually it's a fly-by greeting, hello and goodbye and out the door. We went to a crazy little bar, under the pretense of teaching me pool. I am still wretched, but he says I know what I'm doing, I just need to practice. We sat, had a couple of drinks, talked and laughed and it was amazing. After a disturbing phone call from my ex, he had the presence of mind to not only realize I wasn't in the best of moods anymore, but to also care about why I was bothered. I told him, he consoled me, and needless to say I recovered. We left the bar and decided to head closer to my house. (about an hour away) As we drove, we talked and talked, and of course got onto the subject of fooling around. We weren't actually fooling around, it was more of an acedemic discussion. He told me that a year ago, being separated from my husband would have been enough. We would have slept together. But now he is looking for the whole package, the spark, the fireworks, all of the trappings of love.

Morosely, I told him I would never be that for him. He sighed and said he knew that, and we changed topics. We talked and cuddled up a bit, got comfortable in a way that I have not felt in such a long time.  I was completely at ease again, it felt like home. I don't think I have felt that level of contentment and comfort in years. It was almost like I was made to be there, beside him. There was no sexual tension, no longing for more, no awkward sensations that you get when you get too close to someone you don't want to be close to. It was just a cuddle, and it was just right. He drove me home, and we kissed a little, but didn't get that strange sexual energy that seems to pervade most kisses. It was sweet, chaste, and sentimental. A kiss for the old days, I guess.

I almost asked him last night if he wanted me to be his all. I almost crossed a line last night that didn't need to be crossed. I caught myself just in the nick of time, and let it slide past, like a leaf floating on the water's surface. Because that is a can of worms that need not be opened. What if he told me that no, he didn't want me in that way. I would look and feel like a love sick idiot, and I couldn't do that to myself, or put him in that awkward of a position.

Even worse, what if he said yes? What if he does want me? I can't give myself to him, I am in the middle of a divorce, a complicated ending to a horrible situation. I couldn't even begin to be his, to dedicate myself to him, knowing that there is still loose ends that need to be tied up. I want to, sometimes. I want to give everything I am to him, so support him and carry him, to be his. His lover, his girlfriend, maybe his wife. I told him once that there was no need to be love lorn, because somewhere, some day there would be the perfect girl for him. And when he was stupid, and ran from her, she would wait for him because she loved him. When he realized that she was right for him, he needn't worry, because she would be waiting for him to come home, and wouldn't even be angry at him for going, because she would be so happy that he had come back. He said thanks, that it made him feel better. I didn't tell him that I have been waiting for six years for him to come home, nor did I tell him that regardless of how long it took, I would continue to wait.  Sometimes it isn't so important to know who loves you, it only matters to know that you are loved.