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A few days after the fallout

It has been a couple of days since I announced my intentions for divorce, and since I have left my marriage. There have been many tears, lots of begging, and lot of misplaced and confused emotions. I am happy to state that none of the above mentions afflictions have been mine. I have done my best to remain as sensitive as possible toward my soon to be ex husband, because my children still love this man, he is their father. I have never felt the urge to distance them from him, only myself.

He is begging for another chance, and doesn't understand that there are only so many chances that can be doled out before I am out of patience and love. I have reached that point. I have been honest with him about my opinions on reconciliation, and that is all I can do. I have told him I will wait until January to file the paperwork, and that I hope he does the things he is saying he will do, such as quit smoking marajauna and find a nice house or apartment for himself. He, of course, is saying these things as a way to get me back. I just want him to do the best for himself, however. I don't need him to provide me with a home any longer, a paycheck, a shoulder to cry on or any of the other ridiculous things he has promised. I do not want him to better himself for me. I want him to do these things for himself, to realize that all of these lofty goals he has set need to be his alone, not some fantasy hinged on the rebuilding of our crumbled marriage. I couldn't even remotely consider reuniting with him on the grounds he has proposed, because I know that it is all a ploy for me.

I told him that if he was serious about getting me back, then he would be more serious about standing on his own two feet, taking care of himself and his end of the parenting spectrum. I do not want a lap dog husband, hanging onto a useless and one sided relationship. I know he loves me, I have never doubted that. But you cannot truly love or respect anyone else until you learn to love and respect yourself. He has not done this, in all the time we have been together, and it is no wonder to me that he wants to have someone else to cling to. It is easier for him to have a scape goat when things go wrong, someone to lean on and to blame and then turn around and ask for forgiveness and hope that I will fix whatever it is that is wrong. I can't do that for him, and as much as it may break his heart, he needs to know that I cannot be his Lady Madonna, his savior from himself. That is why I have remained so firm in my conviction.

If things were to really, drastically change, then I might be able to look past the mistakes and hurt that he has caused me and give him yet another chance. Because I was settled with him. I knew the nuances of his personality, and of our relationship. I would be willing to accept that complacency because it is comforting to be surrounded the the familiar. But this isn't going to happen, regardless of the consequences. Right now I can't even consider it, because it's insane. I will be his friend if he will let me, and I will do everything in my power to show him the respect that the father of my children deserves. I will do my best to encourage him in his endeavors, especially those that he may eventually undertake to better himself. But I will not go back. Not now, maybe not ever.

On the other end of the spectrum, I have had the most wonderful times talking freely to C. again. We get along marvelously, and I enjoy the camraderie we share...the stories, the in jokes only we know, the way we can guess what the other is thinking. But a funny thing has happened. I no longer find myself longing for him like I was a week ago, a month ago, a year ago. I have him in the best capacity I can imagine. I wouldn't mind having some form of a physical relationship with him, not in the least. But those fantasies, those dreams, have taken a back seat to what is currently happening in my life. I must say it is with a happy and satisfied heart that I can proclaim my absolute satisfaction with our relationship as it stands. I don't mean that I love him any less, when in fact I think I love him more than I ever have. But it is the best thing in the world, to love so deeply and dearly your best friend, without the burning desire for more.

So while things are so crazed and new and hectic on one end of the spectrum, they are also settling, and starting to feel right again. I am really beginning to be satisfied with life again, to be glad to be here, and alive, and in the mix of things. My children have noticed my new found zest and zeal, and have even been reacting in kind. They see a happier, more enjoyable mommy, and get to talk to their dad every night before bed. This weekend he will have the children, which I think will be good for everyone. I just want everything to keep going as smoothly as it has been, and for the end of one era to come and go as peaceably as possible, while the start of a new one dawns fresh. It looks, for now, like I may get my wish.