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| The Psychology of a Cheater....
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I was reading a bog last night, and the writer stated that she did not understand why people don't break up instead of cheating. I will try to explain, using the expert perspectives and my own expereinces. I really think that I am on to something!!!
First of all, in order to understand a cheater, you need to throw common sense and good judgement out the window. As cheaters don't use either or these.
In my life, I have cheated and been cheated on, as I think most people have. Reseach shows that 90% of people in America believe cheating and wrong, yet a minimum of 44% of men and 25% of women in America admit to cheating.
Believe it or not, many people who cheat don't want to end their main relationship, and have deep feelings for the person they are cheating on. When a person cheats it is either because something is missing in their relationship, or something is missing within the cheater.
Woman tend to cheat because their is something missing emotionally. Usually, it is not that their partner is not satisfying them emotionally or sexaully, it is because the woman is emotionally damaged in some way, and probably should not be in a relationship to begin with. I know that was the case for me. I had not healed from the end of a 20 year faithful marriage, and when I dated Rebound Guy, I cheated. It was ,my fault, not anything that he did or did not do. I did not plan to cheat, but was fully aware of what I was doing when the opportunity arose.
So no lame excuses for my behavior. I did not want to break up with him , felt guilty afterwards, but continued. Eventually Rebound Guy and I broke up when the relationship ran its course, and the cheating had nothing to do with it.
Men cheat for different reasons than women. With most men it is sexual attraction and not getting what they need sexually from their partner. Although, some men are serial cheaters and will cheat no matter how good the sex is. That sounds bad, but it gives men a distinct advantage when it comes to being caught, as woman tend to write of their man's cheating as boys will be boys and blame the woman thay slept with their man instead. Western societies for many years have accepted a man having a side dish. Men who I talk to who cheat claim they love their shorty and she is "the one", and would NEVER leave her for the other woman and they make it clear from the get go. And I do truly believe for many men it really is JUST SEX, and they don't want a real relationship with the other person.
Men and woman greatly differ on their reactions to finding out a partner has cheated. My boyfriend and I discussed this the other night and he said for a man to have his woman she when he is faithful is the ultimate killer to his manhood, as men are biologically geared to be providers and what to meet every apsect of their woman's needs. I think that is why most men will not forgive an unfaithful woman. Woman tend to forgive more than men, as we have a tendency to want to preserve our unions, and as I previously mentioned, society forgives men more easily than they do women.
Can cheating be prevented? Yes, by open commnication and by both people being committed in their hearts not to cheat. However, ultimately it comes down to free will.
Finally, can a cheater reform? Absolutely!!!! But the cheater has to be honest with THEMSELVES and figure out why they cheated and actively work on NOT cheating. I have been faithful in my current relatioship by avoiding opportunites and making the choice to honor my man and not share with others
COMMENTS?
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Posted by singleat41 on 2008-06-29 11:18:21 | Rating: | Views: 342
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Hmmmmmmmmm, you stated it, FREE WILL, I clearly can't disagree with your reasoning.
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Posted by shebox
on 2008-06-30 01:04:48
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i think that people also cheat for the excitement of knowing that at any minute you could get caught
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Posted by cantforget
on 2008-06-30 03:31:21
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It is a free will thing, and I think people that do it are terrible.
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Posted by southernsun
on 2008-06-30 03:56:04
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Hmmm, I agree with most of what you've said here.
I've usually found that when women cheat it's usually when they do feel genuine romantic feelings for the person they're cheating with. I must admit, I've cheated before, but only on an emotional level. I've never actually slept with or even kissed another person. I've just developed feelings for other people.
It's kind of how my current boyfriend came about, I've written about the story in one of my blogs.
But yes, I don't believe all cheaters of all kinds should be immediately scorned.. Unless it was completely unjustified and caused a lot of misery and not much else.
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Posted by Mezlie
on 2008-06-30 07:07:34
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I want to say thanks t EVERYONE for their comments. Mezlie I want to read your blog
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Posted by singleat41
on 2008-06-30 08:51:49
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In my opinion and it is my opinion I think you have no idea in what makes a man look for another girl to fancy. Maybe you read many book that simply simplify the “Cheater” and to the most part “Cheaters” they way you label it is the sort of person that fits your theory….but a true Player, A Casanova, or A Lover like myself we are just passionate and captivated by the female body…God made Eve beautiful and to be exact she did come from the rib of man to leave him breathless….It is an Art to have a female give herself willingly and passionately to me…When I kiss her and feel her warms lips and breathe in her air that is stored in her lungs…words can not fully describe the feelings….The Female body is Perfection and if you dare to disagree with me then you need your head examined…Her Breast that feeds her newborn is placed in front of your eyes…And I Love Breast Milk….Her Hips that tosses and turns screaming for attention when she walks into the room and as they lay besides you demanding penetration… Again you have no idea why Lovers like me can not settle for one when God made them so beautiful…Maybe you call me childish, irresponsible or any thing that you and your theorist can label me to belittle me and my idea but the fact is this that Passion waits for no one…Where would Juliet be with out her passionate Romeo and if you recall Shakespeare, Romeo was also a Player….I can go on and on describing the uniquiness of the female...lets take Her Hair as it cascades with twirls to fall gently on her shoulders….Or Her smiles that made Leonardo Da Vinci take notice and paint The Mona Lisa…Her fingers as they swim and holds on to the male organ and drinks from it...its pure magic….You belittle the idea that Lovers are emotionally trapped or lacking something or not being content when GOD made this world abundantly bountiful…YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHY GOD MADE SO MANY BEAUTIFUL ANGELS?….and that okay with me…well when I was single…now I am married to one of Gods beautiful Creatures and let me tell you she is every bit as beautiful as God intended…even her annoying little tidbits is what makes her a WOMEN which captivates my heart…
Please post this one and delete the other one along with the typo instructions
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Posted by JLOyola
on 2008-07-01 04:21:38
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So, you are going to blame GOD for your choices? Surely you know that God gave people free will. Justifying cheating by putting it down to God's creation and not owning up to choice is a coward's way out. You are right about one thing, I am writing more from a woman's perspective. How is it belittling to say that for many people who cheat it is because of their emotional issues? I have spoken to many woman and men who say that it is.
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Posted by singleat41
on 2008-07-01 08:35:00
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Single at 41 cool screenname by the way...currently, i am in a bad place to gather my thoughts but I have you beat in my next comment if you will allow me the time to gather my thoughts I will explain it....give me a few hours i have to get ready for work...
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Posted by JLOyola
on 2008-07-01 15:27:21
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Not to sound Condescending or to be the biggest “Anal Chauvinist Pig” on the planet but reality, true reality, crystal clear reality, reality that contributes to a purpose it’s a rare commodity. And trying to explain this “Transparency” is quite hard to do in a blog format which is why I am taking the road that most scholars take after a long grueling period of tribulation in trying to diagnose their madness and that is to presents to the world a new reality in a book format which will someday finds it way to Barnes and Noble on hard cover format at the bargain price of 19.99 to allow for no refunds or exchanges.
Anyway back to our disagreement….Man and Women to the most part go through a thinking process in which they have adapted or shaped in a certain way to deal with society or how they interact with the out side world through many years of life experiences and if we incorporate God’s words and wisdom that we find in The Holy Bible we can justify the moral fabric that we consciously and un-consciously all agree to as being a “Substantiated Life” but as we go on with this thinking process we tend to deny gratification.
Its in this decisions making process that when you do or don’t do a particular action is when a whole new set of decisions process emerges and that allows or leads you to a thinking pattern that allows for conscious and un-conscious re-actions resulting in alibis, dreams, desires, goals etc, etc….
Example in making a decision: Deciding not to Exercise
Result in your decision: being out of shape, watching what you eat, depression, excusing oneself with alibis, making up excuses, denying reality, pointing fingers on others for not accepting or confirming to society thin thinking ways, heart disease, anxieties, inhibitions, acceptance, twisting perception etc, etc.
Not to say that all people who do not exercise suffer from any issues but a mass majority do, and I can safely say over 95% of today society do suffer a form of anxiety stemming from physical appearance alone, that leads them to think in a certain way. So if the majority of the people are suffering from a phobia would not the majority distribute literature, thesis, fact finding studies that are slightly tainted to support their case, idea, methodology and even shaping society morality.
Example to support first decision process: Hollywood decision in fascination that being skinny leads to beautification and a wonderful life.
The Olsen twins now don’t they have issues stemming from the decision process that was made in Hollywood in promoting thin sexy celebrities. Or even Paris Hilton the Socialite of America Teens ‘That money is everything and if you do not have it then you are just out of luck.”
So here you have two celebrities shaping the mind of America in a conscious level and an un-conscious level.
Or even one better....Listening to Oprah and Dr. Phil which we can clearly see them as being the two most pathetic people on this planet giving advice decisions to the world. Not to say that Oprah is completely mentally handicap I mean she is rich but just because she is rich does not mean that her thinking process is even remotely sound. She has been jaded and she has a hidden agenda which to me has no value but to the society I share she is every where influencing the world around me.
Is it all bad? Who knows? I do not wake up thinking about her or how she shapes me directly or my immediate life but many coach potatoes do and they are the ones that jump on the band wagon with this moral crap of shit that it is wrong to be so opinionated and that we have to be politically correct.
Well if being politically correct leads to lawfully acknowledgment of gay marriages in California or taking God away from the public school system and inserting this new age sorcery then I laugh at your thinking process that Lovers like myself are cowards who are afraid to commit.
And as a Christian I do not hide from my reality I know where I will be spending my eternity and it is going to burn but not for sleeping with 375 or so ladies it will be for my lack of honoring God and putting him second. It is my decision and for every decision I make there is a consequence for my action or in-action thus a by product is made or neglected and then the cycle begins.
Is it too complicated to understand? Yes, for the majority of the people it is too complicated to understand. We either want to over simplify or over analyze the situation to give meaning for a particular action and outcome.
Why do people smoke knowing that it causes cancer, bad breath and yellow teeth? God knows…but damn these same people will point their fingers at me and call me a coward for not being able to commit to one girl (in-which I have already done so I am married , but when I was single whew wee).
So now that you understand a small part of “Transparency” I can bring in your belittlement of lack of commitment to one female…
In the Bible God said that Adam said in Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.
If you notice the word is wife and no man or women shall break that bond but if it does happen forgiveness is divine but when there is a real problem then divorce is the remedy.
I am not nor do I excuse adultery as an excuse and those that do it should really take a good look at what they are doing to their kids and their love ones. Divorce is the only answer to deal with a cheater if it is an on going thing but I think everyone is entitled to one discretion in their moment of lost or trapped mentality.
Shit happens and sometimes you need to step out from the box and see it from another prospective but again it does not excuse adultery.
Now for those who are not married I think you owe honesty and sincerity to the person that you are with and as long if you do not mislead the individual intentionally to a means to an end unless it has been put out openly then it is fair game.
So why do you need to label me or have this pre-judgments that I am afraid to commit…I am miserably happy in my imperfect marriage to a bombshell that I have committed my last 100 years with but if it does not work out divorce is the answer not adultery.
A spouse does owe that much honesty and commitment to their spouse and to their kids.
Yea, some guys and girls lie and twist the truth a bit but that’s the mating dance. You choose to believe the lie, you already know, just don’t sit there and lie to yourself with excuses and finger pointing for your decisions or in indecisions.
And it is not because Lovers, Casanovas and Players are cowards to commit we do commit it is just for a moment and that moment can be a life time or a 5 minute quickie.
That decision comes from 2 people not just from one so stop blaming The Lover, The Player or The Casanova or the games that he or she is playing because you willingly played….blame yourself and get over it….God Made You Beautiful and God also made picky people…so how beautiful are you? Because you are as beautiful as you think you are….
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Posted by JLOyola
on 2008-07-01 20:32:34
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What helped me, WOMENSINFIDELITY.COM it has some good message boards on the bottom.
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Posted by theotherjim
on 2008-07-02 14:36:11
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Please, no screaming and yelling at me, but I can definitely understand why people cheat, I mean, one's who are completely in love with their partner, it's true, something must be missing and rather than completely destroy what they do have they try to get it elsewhere. Should they let their partner know? Of course, but we all know that it's not always that easy. I am in my first relationship at the age of thirty, I have not cheated and have no plans to do so, and him, well, his best friends got themselves into a pretty bad love triangle and basically hate each other now, I know that hurt the Hell out of him, I don't think that he would ever do that to me, but I can't say that I wouldn't try to work through, but I guess that we can never say until it actually happens.
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Posted by Nerdnutt
on 2008-07-03 00:16:28
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I found this entire discussion interesting. I used to think if my man cheated, Id be out the door, Id never be able t trust him again.
Now, many years later...I am not so sure, I would probably forgive, but it would be very hard to forget.
Ive never cheated and never would. I think ...like marriage, its a decision and if that is what you have decided for yourself, you simply do not put yourself in a situation where it might happen. I do not judge anyone else, some of my friends have been cheated on and have cheated.
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Posted by roe
on 2008-07-06 21:13:36
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revenge, the fear of hurting the one they're with, the need for more than the appropriate level of attention, the desire to be "cool", or maybe they just so happen to love more than one person. there are probably several reasons to cheat, more than you and i have mentioned.
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Posted by BloodyDreams
on 2008-07-08 16:41:49
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i do like your reasoning and point of view. i dont think its extremely wrong to cheat as long as it is done for a good reason. perhaps some believe there is no "good" reason for cheating. that is everyone's decision.
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Posted by BloodyDreams
on 2008-07-08 16:49:01
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i agree with you bloodydreams. ive cheated and i have good reason behind it, my husband is an asshole and he gets what he deserves, tho lately things between us have been getting better so i havent cheated lately
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Posted by cantforget
on 2008-09-24 18:44:10
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