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Separation-Murky Waters for Dating

Dating while separated is a gray area for many people. I remember back at the end of 2005 and when my ex-husband and I decided to call it quits, I started dating Rebound Guy three weeks later. I got a mixed reactions and EVERYONE had an opinion. Most of my male friends were high fiving and congratulating me, while about half of my female friends thought is was a bad idea. My two best friends Jayleen and Lisa were supportive as they knew that my marriage had blown for several years. I decided not to share that informed with my children, as I did not feel they were ready, and despite the fact that I am now divorced, my father and stepmother still have no idea that I have even BEGAN dating yet(However they READILY encouraged my ex-husband to date right after we separated, the righteous prigs). Guess they will be in for QUITE the SHOCK when Mr. KM ( yeah, I finally gave my boyfriend a psuedonoym) and I decided to shack up or get married. My dear mama knows I am dating, but not the extent that has occurred.

I began to listen to and think about everyone's reacations and concerns. Now granted Rebound Guy was not the best choice as he worked for my ex-husband and had know my family unit for several years, but taking that out of the equation, I began to wonder why people in my life reacted the way they did. 1. Male Friends-These guys live and breath sex and figured that someone right out of a bad marriage was up for anything and is every man's fantasy. There is a grain of truth to that, but not to the extent they believed. I knew that I wanted to date again, but also that the first person would be a rebound, so I sort of wanted to get my groove back in a non-threatening way. My rebound lasted 4 months, which was far too long and became more complex. 2. Disapproving Female Friends- They cared about me and did not think I could enter a new relationship without getting hurt and that I should grieve my marriage first. They were partly right. Rebound Guy and I got a bit too deep, then I nixed it, the part that hurt was that I have forever lost a good friend, not the end of the relationship. 3. Approving Female Friends- They knew that I needed to test the waters of dating and wanted me to know that I am still atrractive, and they were right. The risk is worth the pay off, even though rebound relationships are destined to end. 4. Kids-I cannot emphasing STRONGLY enough, that until the divorce is FINAL and kids have adjusted BRINGING A NEW HONEY INTO THEIR LIVES IS A BAD BAD BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Despite the fact my kids were 15 and 18 when I divorced, I kept my dating and family time separate for almost 2 years. My ex-husband introduced his girlfriend to the kids 3 months after we split. It was not comfortable for her or them and the relationship did not last.. As my kids are dating, I told them I was when they asked, but until Mr. KM and I got back together in March, they did not meet any of the previous men in my life. Sometimes, Mr. KM will pop in for a quick dinner the days I have the kids and I will go to the park with him and his kids, we keep it light and still spend the majority of our kid time singularly with our kids, as we don't want to force our relationship on them and create an instant family.
5. Extended Family-Not a good idea to let these people into your dating situation unless you are ready to move in or marry someone else. This group tends to be the most judgemental. Handle them with vagueness.

Now the BIG QUESTION for singles, "Should I date someone who is separated?"...Well, that depends on the frame of mind of your love interest. Mr. KM was the second person I dated after I was seperated. His sister set us up in 2006, we had both been separated a year, the first time for me, the third time for him. We fell crazy in love and then a lot of stuff happened, some of which I will go into in another blog about getting back together, we were together 6 months and I ended things, in part due to the fact that his ex-wife wanted him back(didn't happen, they divorced and Mr. KM and I got back together 15 months later despite the odds). I would advise a single person NOT to date a separated person if ANY of the following apply:

1. The couple is in conseling
2. You are the first person they have dated, as you will most likely be their rebound
3. They have not emotionally separated from their spouse (ie their spouse cheated)
4. They have not yet begun to establish themselves as a single person and have not gone thru the ritual of cleansing from their marraige (ie..still have pictures up of their spouse, talk about their spouse constantly )

However, if the separated person had done the rebound, gotten their own place and stuff, is content with spending time alone, and is comfortable with themselves and in their own skin, then go for it. However know that it might be rough in terms of being with someone who can't give you all of their attention due to legal matters and in some cases kids. If a separated person has done all that stuff in order to get their shit together, believe me, they want to spend time with you because they care abotu you and value you as a person. When you are separated and have decided to end your marriage in a HEALTHY way, you know what you want in a future mate, so take it that the person really does care for you and all of you.