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I have an eating disorder. It started years ago, really. I would make myself throw up on occasion after meals. It would come and go in phases, I thought I had it under control. We always think we're in control of our problems, but that's really what it all boils down to. Power. The power to manipulate the way we look, by controlling how much food we eat. About a year ago I thought I took a turn for the better. I made it a point to eat healthy, to run almost everyday. It was good...at first, I dropped all the extra weight I have carried ever since I was little, but then it became extreme. 124lbs...115lbs, 104lbs, 98lbs, 83lbs, 78lbs. You get the idea. I wasted away, I wouldn't eat. My family was worried, my bosses worried, so I went to the doctors. She was obviously worried.
"You have anorexia"
"no, i'm fine"
"You need to eat"
"no, i'm fine, i'm just under a lot of stress"
I no longer recognized myself. My face had wasted away, it hurt to sit, my bones protruded, my hair was falling out. So I began binge eating. I needed to gain weight, the doctor's were right. I was dying. Carbs, bagels, ice cream. Things I wouldn't dream of eating before, now they're all I think about. Now I can't stop. I can't stop eating.
Today I weighed 115. Today my thighs touch. I've taken four times the recommended dosage of laxatives today. I've shoved my fingers down my throat. I can't even bring myself to write how much i've eaten. Its become an awful demon, food. I am full, but I can't stop eating. Like a paranoia that I will starve again. I keep eating. Cookies, pancakes, pie, english muffins...everything in the fridge.
I have a rash all over my body; i've been sick, "viral or the flu" say the doctors. but i can't help but wonder if its all the laxatives i've been taking lately. the fact that i haven't gone weeks without over eating and then throwing up. i need help.
i was supposed to see a shrink this morning, but i had to cancel last night, i didn't want to, but i'm honestly so sick, i can barely muster up the energy to drive myself.
i moved out of my house in january, onto campus, but since i've left, the overeating has become unmanageable. i need help. my mom thinks i'm doing better, and i hate to break her heart, tell her i'm not, that i can't control the desire to eat, despite the overwhelming disgust i feel afterwards.
I hate myself. I cannot accept the fact that I am making myself larger, but i can't stop. i cannot stop.
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Posted by silentwords on 2008-02-12 15:57:54 | Rating: | Views: 72
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Stop hiding your disorder! If you can't say it - e-mail that blog entry to your parents, your siblings, your friends - you aren't in control anymore and you need someone to take over until you are able to take care of yourself!
By the way, you are definately sick because of the laxatives - you are doing damage to your body that is irreversible.
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Posted by peace_seeker
on 2008-02-12 16:06:51
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WoW, What ever it is, you got it bad. I understand about appetites. I love Hersey kisses. Ate two lbs at one sitting on Saturday, went back bought 3 more lbs ate them all Sun &Mon. Then the urge goes away and everything is normal. I think the sun helps me. If I can get a few hours in the sun each day, I don't get these cravings. I also jog daily and that helps. Are you angry at somebody? I generally eat with I am angry or depressed. You need help, don't be afraid to ask for it.
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Posted by penumbra88
on 2008-02-12 16:07:48
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its difficult to admit our flaws, especially to those we love. but thank you for commenting, its nice to know someone is listening. i find it funny that you commented, i read an entry of yours last night, about your jock roomates, make me laugh :)
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Posted by silentwords
on 2008-02-12 16:08:36
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I'm only angry with myself, that is what is so frustrating, I have lots going for me in my life, but I cannot make myself respect my body. I have people who love me, who want me to get better, but yet I feel like I have no willpower.
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Posted by silentwords
on 2008-02-12 16:11:21
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I'm no doctor, but it seems to me there are neurological things that may affect willpower. When these brain-related things don't work properly, it could make willpower and self-control impossible. You may be angry with yourself, but think of the courage it took you to write down these words and share them here. That's an amazingly brave act and shows you have some real inner strength. Good luck and please know my thoughts are with you.
Pete
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Posted by pgm
on 2008-02-12 19:59:18
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