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| be gentle with the mental
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for a while i was put on a drug called lithium a sodium bassed pill that was suppose to help with my bipolar yet altimatly left me hermited in my pat for over a year. i am not recommmending to anyone to get off this drug but i would like you to know that i have been off for about 4 and a half months and i havnt felt beter. yes things are very stressful but i am learning to deal witht he blows as they come and trying not to stress the lil things which was once a very big problem for me. i was on alot of other things too after i went to the lonelybin (phyc ward) on johnson five the doctor diagonoised me and put me on 600 mg lith 300 mg ceriquil and respridon i was fucked more then when i first went in. and i was bad when i went in see hwat happend what i was in a high manic mode called the euphoria and i couldnt sleep no i am not talking about the bad sleeping patterns i have always had i am talking not sleeping for fourteendays! no drugs in my system yet i was high i felt like i was in a dream world a different dimension alkittle bit phyco i was acting very religous which like i say have been a beliver but this time i thought i was a new age joan of arc with a message i thought when they got me to the hospital i was going to die yet i was ok with it i really scraed my mom an my teacher who took me in they were crying the one trainy who came in i even made cry because i was acting like i was a jahova and very convincing not acting though i truley thought iw a maybe i was lol but it wa nothing that i have ever done before acting that was i was having mood swings and they had to drag me in at one point i ws only asking to see a priest ( imm not cathlic im considerd christian but not reaLy that either) and didnt want them to put any drugs in my system because in my mind i was suppose to be pure like clean body which is funny cause i clearly remember having a smoke before i went with my doctor. i was telling them that everything was going to be ok like i was suisidle but not hurting myself just willing myself to die does this make anysence to anyone i dont think it does but i t made alot of sence then...
they took me upstairs where they told me the priest was i went up they lied of course to get me in thank god lol i needed help bad i know and i thank the doctors that helped me i really do and have but i hold a gruge witht the doc ill tell you about later. so they get me in the room i dont remeber how it happend all i know is i took my cloths off in a fit of rage that they lied to me and they said they were going to give me a needle. i am deathly afraid of needles to beginwith i passs out always and cry still at the age i am now its not cute but i didnt cry i fought i thought that if i got naked they couldnt touch me i guesss but they got me before i got them all off you know and drug me away from my crying mom and took me to a room it want padded i remeber cause it hurt when i wwas wrestled to the ground by three gards and nurses while another attempted to stab me with a huge needle i swear this happend it was like out of a horror and it was my worse night mare come to life they had to give me 2 of these neddle to finnally put me to sleep and even after the seccond i heard them as i drowzed off another?.. but that was all i could take and i needed the sleep and after the long 20 hour sleep i woke up in and out of i was brought my first meal of many. it wasnt half bad i guess meal wize they gave you a menu each day to fill out you could chose three different things and even get chocolate milk i stalked up but the worst part was smoking i needed a smoke so bad i was going crazyier then the night before loll no but ,they wouldnt let me out fora week so i had to use the patch theres one benifit not smokeing but i hated it there the people in there taught me alot i loved some and needed many of them you know that you can get alot aof wisdom from a "crazy" person and you can meet very interesting people. one manwho was there had a desiese that made him [arronoid of all desises he actualyy would thionk he had this or that every minute he reminded me of the guy from what about bob but way cuter you would never know he was like that but we all have brake downs he was a realistate broker. another lady in there you could tell right away that she was a little off yeah i felt scraed at first by some of the people but i still was in this some sort of hypostate that i was a profit or something so i was half off my rocker and i guess i really scraed theo other residents when ic ame in .
i remeber no one wanted to sit with me at first hahaha in the end i had so many hugs goodbye but i no one said ill see you soon and they didnt i kept in contact with a few people outside but i never went back i went to visit my mom when she went in shes gone in in and out of my life like a bad robber gose to jail so i was formillier witht the place but its so much diffent when you a visitor with a pass on your shirt that lest the rest of us know you are beter thats how i felt when i was sitting there during vitits and a old scholl chump came up and said "silentscream?" is that you?
yeah its me im in the nut house hahahahahaha big joke they thoguht but you know i am so much stronger then she will ever be and i hope that she is never to be made eto feel like the way i felt at that moment that she turn to her boyfriend who was also there visiting her grandma who also went to our school "look whos here" and pointed to me the next time she came in i sat in a rocker and just rocked hahahahaha give her something to talk about for a year hahahaha i dont give a what but i think its funny to toy with their head the silly lil minds of teen bees.
so when i got out the filled me up they had me on enough tranquilixers that they say would have knock out a full grown bear for an hour so no wonder i couldnt leave my house i gaind alot of weight im talking going from 134 to 160 to 209 now i am off i go out every day and see my friends i have friends again and a social life things are going well in my love life they were rockey for a bit but i mean i got it lol so when you think that you have to go on a pill dpuble think it though you know you might just need alot more exersize some real good sleep and some people in your life that arnt toxic you need a healthy life style to be healthy and you need to have a clear and honest conciience i am in the midst of going back to school and trying to find a job a a year ago i woulnt have been able to go get the mail for days cause i thought someone was going to hurt me and the peoblem before all that was i didnt have a healthy life style i was carrieing a weight on my sholders yes you need medication to help you so please do not run to your medison cabnit and throw out all your [pills if you are rewading this if you read this far congradulations i may have the paitence to write this shit but i would have the patiance to read it lol have a good life and try not to let the turkeys get you down always get a seccond oppinion and make sure you always take your own advice!
love a once highly medicated now only high
silent screamer
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Posted by silentscreamer on 2007-11-15 21:01:02 | Rating: | Views: 283
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Thanks! Bi-polar is no fun. Specially with an Anxiety Disorder originally thought to be seizures and history of chronic depression (runs throughout family). It's been hell getting the meds to stabilize it all with 3 scripts for blood pressure that's still out of control AND anti-inflammatories/muscle relaxers,etc. for a very bad back. No wonder I had to retire early on disability and can't explain to my teenager that if I go off my meds, I could suffer heart attacks or strokes from high blood pressure, not get out of bed because of pain, or become very self-destructive.
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Posted by LCC
on 2007-11-16 22:29:50
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