This is going to seem very sudden, but that is exactly what it was. I know I said yesterday that I was really attracted to D, which is the truth. I am attracted to him very much, but I know there are boundaries and lines which I can't and don't want to cross. On the other side, I kind of do just want to jump head first and blindly into something with him. It's that rush I'm looking for, but the repercussions would be too immense that any thought I have of this is immediately blocked by thinking that for any moment he will be unhappy with his decision and that his unhappiness would be caused by me. This is what I do NOT want, so I'll just go along and be friends. If he and his girlfriend break up, then I might be willing to try it out. Until then however, off limits is his name. However, yesterday, my other episode causing distraction re-entered my life quite abruptly. We shall call him B. So, I get a text from a number I don't know saying "Hey Gill, it's B. I'm cruising right now, mind if I stop by?" What am I going to say? No? Pah, yeah right. I should explain the history here. To begin with, I have known B for approximately five years. I have been in love with B for approximately four and a half years. After prom last year, in which we had a great time together, we almost hooked up but it didn't happen. Over the past year with him being very far away for school, I had thought that finally, after many many attempts, I was over him. I thought that just maybe I would be able to move on from him and try something new. That's why I was really so keen on liking D, he was the first person I had really been interested in since I was "over" B. Now, all of the sudden B is back, and it's all I can do to keep my pants on. I don't mean that literally, but I am actually so attracted to him, it is ridiculous. Also, since I've lost 25 pounds now, I have so much more confidence and I want to put myself out there for him. On the other hand, he lives with his dad in Norfolk all summer and goes to school in Windsor, not exactly a hop, skip and jump away from me. Seeing him yesterday, even when people mention his name, I see a picture of him, even when I see someone who looks relatively similar to him, I have a B episode and all those old feeling flood back into my brain. I want to let myself love him and be with him, but I don't want to get hurt. He's so far away and we're doing such different things, but I want to be with him so badly. MY BRAIN HURTS. I hate that he has this control over me, and I think he knows he does. Evidence: We were talking about his old roommate yesterday, and he mentioned that his roommate only ever brought over a girl once. It so happened that this one time, the girl was more interested in him than his roommate and she went away with B, rather than the boy she came in with. He then went on to describe the situation, much to my obvious dismay. He said they "just talked" but smiling, and so I said "Yeah, I don't really need any more information" at which he just smiled at me. Good thing? Bad thing? I have noooo idea, but at that moment I gave him the upper hand, showing my weakness, both for him and in general. I sound like a stupid school girl with a mondo crush, but I don't know how else to describe it. I love him so much. Plain and simple, but not really. I can't stop thinking about him and it's like D was just this little blip that never even happened, which yesterday before B showed up was the furthest thing from the truth. I have no idea how to feel right now. I feel numb. All I want to do is feel him, look at him, listen to him. I've never been that way with anyone, and I thought I had been in love before, but this is blinding compared to anything else I've ever felt. I'm almost angry with myself for letting myself feel so much, cause the more I feel, the more it hurts to know that I may never get to do those things with him and that he will find someone else. That is the worst nightmare for me right now, that there is someone out there better for him, more suited to where he is, what he's doing, and he is going to find her.

Song of the day: Breathe In Breathe Out - Mat Kearney