The question is when starting a new blog is; who will see it? Does it matter? How does it affect the expressive qualities? Will I care more knowing a friend has seen what I have to say? Will I care less? It's a strange thought to share private information in a public forum, a possible insecurity, a rambling embarassment. Tonight i'm tired, and with tiredness for me comes apathy. Sleep ranks above all else, I don't know exactly why, i'm sure I could give it a label I found somewhere. But it's an issue that i'm still exploring. Perhaps i'm never really tired, just have a poor tolerance o being slightly tired. It makes sense to me. But this is about fear, this is about therapy and personal growth, this is about growing up. I fear being unable to sever myself from the sheltered life of my parents. I know they love me so much that they would never turn me away, I could drop out of college and take up drugs as my only habit. They would still love me. It's wonderful to have this, and yet, I take full advantage of it. they pay in entirety for my life, for my schooling for my rent, for my utilities, for my food. I have a wonderful life with full financial security. But I tink, thats not my issue at all. I think I have stopped exploring my problems as a whole recently because I simpley have not had enough time to care about it. I need to take the time I have and care, I think thats important for my personal growth. I don't really know if i've come far or not, I don't really know where I started. Embarassment is a problem. I want a solution. What do I fear about embarassment? I don't think it's a lack of acceptance, no maybe judgement? It's hard for me to pinpoint, and I wont toss a label on what i'm afraid of here either. but embarassment is a good place to start. It's the reason I don't wear high heels or skirts or eyeliner.

How do you discern between a look? What is a stare because of disgust versus a stare because of beauty. I see people, they could be looking and saying to themselves; oh god, shes ugly. They could be looking saying to themselves; wow, shes beautiful. I can't measure my own responses because I don't think they're normal. we stare for different reasons, so how do you know? why does it matter? apathy is dangerous, apathy can ruin lives faster than anything I know. to stop caring is to give up everything, if apathy is bad, then how do you care without embarassment, without fear, what other emotion can go into their places? Caring, more so giving a shit, i think, is a delima. Caring too much about one and forgetting the other, caring too much about, i suppose, what people think. Maybe I do fear judgement. Maybe that is a sign I can hang on my problem. What are the risks? There are no risks in self exploration, only improvement. So then, I fear the way they might look at my drawn face and think i'm too skinny, I fear that they may think i have an eating disorder, i fear the way they will look at my legs, i fear the way they will focus in on a detail and ignore all else. I realise people are not objective viewers. People can't usually comprehand averages I think.

Embarassment because I think people are judging me as foolish, as an unattractive girl all dressed up. Do I break this fear by dressing up? Do I leave it be? Do I buy new clothes? i'll leave a note for exploration later, this needs to ferment a bit, grow stagnant with typos, I realise i just said that in case someone reads this, ha.

Explore embarassment. Explore judgement. Explore fear.

Good night.