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Just a Quick Entry

Sometimes I really dont understang how my brain works.....

Most of the time it's logical and sensible and pretty darn intelligent, yet other times I have these really random and illogical thoughts. Right now, I seem to be convinced that I'm going to die! I dont know how, or why, but my brain seems to be convinced that something is wrong. The really weird thing is of course that when I am actually ill - like at the weekend, when I had a stomch upset, I dealt with it - I was fine and it really didnt faze me. Yet, when there's nothing wrong - like now, I am convinced that there is.

I have of course been here before - many many times, and that logical part of my brain keeps reminding me of that! I just wish it would kick in and allow me to move forward.

I'm going back to see my therapist, but I wanted to give myself some time to get to grips with things myself. I really want to do this on my own, I am am willing to take help, but I need to get to the bottom of exactly where I'm getting this from. I will work through it better with her once I know what I need to deal with.

The guilt thing makes alot of sense, but I need to figure out how I'm going to get past that. I know that I have to accept that the guilt is probably natural, but it is not necessary and no one else blames me. My parents, well, my Mum and grandparents are very proud of all my achievements. As I should be. There is so much more that I will achieve in the future. The things I have done over the last 2 years, before I started to have problems again, have been amazing and they are things I never throught I would achieve.

I read a blog which spoke of a young boy who's brother had been ill for many years and recovered and prospered in later life - but the boy suffered a breakdown many years later. This I can totally understand. You are forced to grow up fast whe your faced with a sick sibling or any real emotional family trauma, in my case, his illness adn my parents divorce, then our emigration here from the states, and you choose a path, you either become a protector and a strong shoulder of support, or you take a destructive path in resentment of all the time that was taken away from you, that you should have had with your parents, you rebel.

I dont think either is that healthy - in both cases, you suffer in some way. But maybe, but growing up too fast and acting as a support, you take on too much pressure for your emotional health to cope with. This is what I did. I never asked for help or support - which would have been the natural thing to do, and I know that I would not have been thought less of for it. I know that now and I want to continue to work through these things so that I can move forward and have the life I deserve!!!!!!