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Is it guilt????

So I had a really good talk with Mum last night, she's so good at helping me out with stuff.. anyway, I think I may have identified at least part of my problem, and why it continues to haunt me.

I think I feel guilty because I'm ok and there's nothing wrong with me but my brother has so much to deal with. I look for faults in my health so that I am not ok.... not sure if that even makes sense to anyone else really.

I feel like I had dealt with all the stuff from our childhood, his diagnosis with Cerebral Palsy, his vision problems, his operations and through the counselling and hypnotherapy a couple of years ago I managed to get to grips with that and deal with the feelings. But, here comes epilespy - just a little somthing for him to deal with.....and coinceidentally, my panic attacks return after 2 wonderful years of living a fulfilling life confidentally and happily. So.... I figure, it can't possibly be coincidental and although at my last hypno session I dealt with the emotions from the actually event when we were alone, I think I am left with this guilt.

Everyone keeps saying, poor thing, just another thing for him to cope with, it's so unfair etc and I'm feeling guilty that as as his big sister I can't do anything to make it better. So I look for faults in myself in order too not feel so guilty. There is of course the attention factor. I havent had much of that through my childhood because his condition has meant Mum's time was very much monopolised, but she tried her best and I'm not resentful at all. To be honest, I'd rather have not attention then to have it because I'm ill!

This is of course the old battle of logic and rationality over feelings and emotions....... I know that I have zero control over the difficulties my brother has, and it's not my fault that I'm ok and he's not. Rationally, I can tell myself that all I can do is be there for him, that he doesnt hold it against me that I'm ok and can lead a normal life without the frustrations he faces daily.

I just wish I could get the too sides to work together so that I could move past this and enjoy the fact that I am healthy, confident and happy and not feel guilty about it. Easier said than done I suspect