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| Punishing one's self |
This started as something else but the endless stir of being bored out of my mind today has gotten my mind going and I need to do something to stop so that I don't have yet another sleepless night because those have gotten out of hand lately. My mind has been wandering, wondering, thinking about to much of the past. To many what if's, or should haves, or could haves. They need to stop and I don't know how to do it. This is where I begin to think I'm even more of an idiot. I had 5 years of writing compilations poems about anything and everything and at the bidding of someone instead of sending them to someone for safe keeping I decided it was a better idea to just get rid of them. I used to use those as a way to keep my life going my moods balanced my thoughts organized and my attention focused. You'd think after putting that much time into them I could remember what in the world they were about but here I am needing them months later and can't remember a thing about any of them.
Looking back at that situation I shouldn't have been in that relationship in the first place and secondly why in the world did I give a part of me that reflected so much of my past and of who I am. Yes there was stuff in there about the past whether it be the darkest parts of me or stories of relationships past but could she handle it,....no would be the simple answer. Now here I am at a crossroads moving forward away from that and away froma couple other things but I can't go back and look at what I've done in the past its hard, its annoying. Looking at it in this instance I'm getting highly annoyed with myself and ready to smack myself albeit knowing that won't solve anything.
I've been a wreck for a while, no one knows, don't bother to show anyone because as much of a wreck as I might be I try to keep my problems to myself, no reason for me to run off and share them with others. A lot of days I don't feel stable and I don't know what it is, other days I feel completely fine. Do I know how to control it and shape it into what I need it to be, no not yet but I'll get there. As far as friends and family know I'm fine, a few problems here and there but nothing more. Reality is there's a lot I need to deal with, a lot dragging me down. Why haven't I faced it its not really clear but I'm sure its something to do with afraid of finding things I don't want to find. Maybe I have some deep rooted anger issues, maybe I'm just a little off lately cuz the weather's changing winter is always hard for me. Who knows
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Posted by shortstop1984 on 2009-11-24 00:20:48 | Rating: | Views: 15
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