IF YOU READ MY LAST BLOG HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

After all the family had seen her and how beautiful she was they left with tears on there faces.

The nurse asked if we wanted a post mortem to find out why? we said yes

i felt numb , like it was a dream except i was out of my body watching me.

it wasnt a dream it was a nightmare.

Anyway we waited for the vicar to come and bless our perfect angel..........:(

then we held her kissing her soft skin she was warm as if you could just breath life into her.

then the time came the time we would have to leave her not take her home .

i couldnt bear it. i felt like screaming NO NONO i need her

i left her on her own. i smoked then, i must of had 10 before i would get in the car.

we returned home to our dog who sniffed my tummy lay by me and cryed all night long.

he knew . there was a life missing a life he had sensed and awaited for .

he would also sit outside her room and cry as if he allready knew her.

the days that followed where hazy but that was probally the vodka that we drank morning noon and night

we would cry together and hold eachother and when people came we would talk and listen but didnt know why .or what we were talking about.

then one of those days my mum and his mum came round to tell me there was a documentary on about a lady who had 2 still born children, they told me not to watch it and they would tape it.

they both rang me afterwards and said it was just like watching me in my pregnancy.

the scratching untill i bled the rubbing my hands and feet until they would burn the constant heartburn and sickness the heat i felt dipping my feet in ice cold water all night long . they both went to see my doctor and insist he call me in to do a lft liver function test i did but my levels were slightly raised but normal after birth but this was 4 days after our angel was born. so it was inconclusive as bieng the condition obstetric collistatis (i hope thats spelt right ) but my doctor being the wonderful man he is said he believed i had the condition and he would refer me to his freind next time i was pregnant and they would treat me as if i had the condition.(which i later was grateful for).

Soon after we could go and see her in the chapel of rest we dressed her all in pink the cardigan my mum had made and the bonnet ,her skin was so pink although bruised from the post mortem i think she looked so beautiful.i can still see her fingers she was as cold as ice not warm like before her tiny pink coffin all in satin and silk, we placed items in with her picture of me and her dad teddy bears roses gaurdian angels .

it just didnt seem real. it was wrong she was supposed to be in my arms crying , opening her eyes ,needing me.......................................................... ..................................(still upsets me)

next the day came that day were goodbye would be final.

it was a cold day or it felt cold it was grey i think??? everyone came to the house i ran upstairs sat in the bathroom crying trying to hold my tears back.

its a very strange thing seeing your parents your aunties and uncles grand parents around waiting to say goodbye to my daughter who should have out lived all of them.

then it was time we walked to the cars where the undertaker passed us our daughters tiny pink box.

it had a plaque on top with her name on and date of birth(and death).

our parents were in the car also not daring to look around as i lay my head on top of her holding her coffin..................tightly as if never to let go . we had a church service for her the church was full of people in our lives. we dedicated angel of mine by eternal and it played as we left the church .

we got back in the cars we both held her tightly my tears stained the silk on her coffin i held her so tight as we drove to the cemetry.

the car stopped i wouldnt get out i held her and rocked her in my arms , i can remember shouting no no NONO NO NO you are not taking her.............. i heard my dad say you have to let go now love you have to let go with tears in his eyes........................................................ ................................................

her daddy carried her to the hole in the ground the vicar prayed and i just remember being tense and cold and numb im sure it rained????......................... we left ...... i left my baby in the cold with the rain in the ground our angel was gone

if you read this i will write again soon about why our angel was taken from us got to leave it there for now it still upsets mexx

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