Yesterday was a pretty nasty day. On Saturday and Sunday we (g/f and me)argued until I became very angry. We always argue about the same thing: my female friend who I've known for years, whom my g/f doesn't like. We'll call my good friend "J" for purposes of anonimity. Anywho, we've reached a point in our relationship and arguments that I've told the g/f not to bring up J in our conversations. But she does it anyway, and the fights begin. I've been trying to get g/f to go to therapy for some time to deal with this deep rooted insecurity problem I perceive her having. She finally went for the first time to a therapist yesterday, one that my therapist recommended. I've been seeing my therapist for approximately 14 months. When I picked g/f up from therapist's office after her session, she was relatively happy. She basically told me that her therapist, Dr. G., told her that her problem probably isn't insecurity at all and that it's probably just a relationship issue, i.e., half my fault - which I find perposterous! I became very angry and frustrated as she talked about each issue of our relationship, and the therapists assessment, b/c it seemed as if Dr. G was piling more and more responsibility for the failings of the relationship upon me. It may sound rediculous, but aside from the insecurity issue g/f has, there is nothing wrong with our relationship. We never argue about anything but J. Anyway, I probably sound kind of pompous, but I feel very confident in myself in this regard b/c of years of experience in other relationships and because of my honesty to g/f and myself, which ironically has gotten me into trouble in the first place with g/f. I will explain more in the next blog...
Posted by shinsfrommars on 2008-01-08 11:04:00 | Rating: n/a | Views: 66
Hi shinsfrommars! I can really relate to your blog. I've had similar issues with my mate regarding my mail friends (great friends who have been in my life for a very long time). Some people find it very difficult to believe that you can have a healthy, platonic relationship with the opposite sex w/o any misappropriate behavior taking place. I think it has a lot to do with a persons personal insecurities and confidance within themselves. On the same note, I also find it a little selfish for someone to want you to dismiss your relationships with people who have been in your life before they were and who will most likely be there after them. She seems to have some trust issues with you regardless of how honest you are with her. And honesty is always the best thing in any relationship. Some women also feel that they should be their mate's only female friend which is a little selfish in my opinion. I believe it has a lot to do with being intimidated by other women which falls back to having some personal insecurites regarding yourself and your relationship. Good luck with everything regarding the relationship, I know that consistant arguing over the same matter within any relationship is a huge headache and almost makes you not want to be bothered.....
as a woman who has dated jealous men and been a jealous type quite a bit i empathize with you and your girlfriend. as a girl i understand her insecurity, and as someone who has had many jealous boyfriends i hate insecurity in others. but still...a little tip to relieving someone with insecurity issues is to make her feel as included in your life as possible without you feeling overwhelmed. instead of her always badgering you about what you have said or done and where and when, offer a few details. not a play by play to be exact, but you being open and honest to begin with may go a long way in making her feel less insecure with you. i think that one of the roots of insecurity isn't so much distrust as it is feeling left out. whenever my boyfriend does things with his friends, male or female, and i'm not around, i feel like there is a part of his life that i missed and that make me feel sort of lonely. but when he comes home and tells me about his day suddenly i feel less insecure about what he's been doing...not because i know every detail, but because i am the one he came home to and shared the information with. and if its a girl he's spending time with? ouch. it makes me feel like he'd rather be sharing his time with her than with me.
its a sticky issue because with something like this there are no rights and wrongs necessarily. yes, she should trust you more. but you can't make someone feel something that they don't. the same way that people have to learn to live alongside their fears they also have to learn to live alongside their insecurities.
frankly she has a bit of a reason to be jealous, if your friend J has or has ever had feelings for you thats just asking for trouble. i wouldn't want any one i was dating to hang out with or spend time alone with someone who was attracted to them! its just asking for trouble.
i think you ought to cut your girlfriend as much slack as possible and try and see that her anger and arguing are just a product of her fear of losing you.
and i doubt that the counselor put all the blame on you...but when it comes to placing blame its easier to see what the other person can do to fix the problem and ignore the part we ought to play as well.
