Thoughts.com Blogs - Jan 12, 08

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Jan 12, 08

Today has been completely uneventful. G/f left town for her job early this morning and she won't be back until this evening. It's sad to say, but I look forward to the rare times that we are apart for more than a few hours. As an added bonus, she forgot her phone, which means she can't badger me to death with phone calls and text messages as she does on most days. I have spoken to my therapist about this issue and she suggested keeping track of the number of calls/emails/texts each day and then confronting g/f with them and discussing the issue. There is no magic number that would be acceptable for me regarding communications during a day, but she's been averaging 4 calls per day and more than that of emails/texts. I had this discussion with her on more than one occasion over the past few months, but she can't seem to discipline herself. Honestly, I could be happy with no more than 1-2 calls/ emails/texts per day, but I told her no more than 3-4. I'm trying to compromise a little, I suppose. Isn't that what we do in relationships?

We didn't fight yesterday, which is great! I felt so distant from her on Friday morning. She offered to make me a sandwich for lunch so I coalesced. For once, I felt (as did she) a strange calm as we sat together after eating. We haven't felt that in a long time.

It's really weird hearing complete strangers comment on my life. I'm appreciative for each one of you that has taken the time to write a response to my blog. This relationship with g/f is truly different than any that came before for me. The reason I began therapy about 15 months ago was b/c I had been in several unhealthy relationships in a row, and it became clear that I was just as much to blame for getting myself into these relationships as the other person was. I had to face that I needed help and that I couldn't do it on my own. So, I admitted there was a problem and took a step to make things better. One of the first things I told my therapist was that I needed help with relationships. And with her help, I think i have been able to accept my shortcomings, what happened in the past and to let go of guilt and value myself as a person. I also learned what to look for and to see the red flags when they present themselves. In 2007 I was single and did some serious soul searching through meditation. I fasted for around 10 days on 2 separate occasions. If you've ever wondered how you can truly clear the mind and search your soul, try the Master Cleanse Fast (perhaps I'll write about it later). My point is that I've put alot of time and effort into preparing myself; building the foundations for a good relationship. I came to understand that when I was healthy inside and out, I would attract the same kind of person. Now I'm realizing that one of two things has occured: Either I'm not ready for the kind of healthy relationship that I desire or I've prematurely selected a candidate that cannot fulfill what I desire. I'll be starting my 3rd fast this month, which will give me plenty of time to contemplate this question. And g/f will be doing the fasting along with me, so it should be interesting, given the stress of the first few days when one stops eating and the body goes through a withdrawal from food.