Thoughts.com

Problem:  mental dispersion, leading to anxiety

For many weeks (and also for maybe a year, off and on), I've been noticing how my use of the internet has been contributing to a general sense of frantic dispersion--of thoughts that go flying left and right, here and there, from one place to another, like traveling from one point of intersection to another on a spider's web. I'm including email in this, because one email leads to something related, which leads to something related...and then I move on to the next email, which does the same thing on a different topic, etc. The thoughts have not exactly been disorderly (a spider's web is an epitome of order), because they have been organized around themes that I am consciously working on, (I go off on tangents that are always related--I very very rarely start reading something that is not useful for my purposes, so in the moment it never seems like a waste of time).

And then, what is worse is that when I am NOT on the computer, my mind is still working the same way: it follows an interesting idea or brainstorm which then leads to another, and another, and another...until I become completely overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of ideas in my head.  Of course, each idea implies a certain action that would be required to carry it out.  And there is NO WAY I can accomplish all of those actions that occur to me.  I make long lists of ideas and file them in an orderly fashion, and I work on the lists, but lately I haven't even been doing that because I'm exhausted and burned out from ideas and don't even know which actions to begin with carrying out.

The good news is that I think I'm starting to understand the dynamic.  Yesterday, I decided to schedule "brainstorming sessions" for myself, on specific topics, for specific times over the next couple days, to organize ideas into workable, clear actions that I can carry out one by one without getting overwhelmed.  This morning, I was thinking how far removed I am from the spiritual ideal of a person I would really like to be.  That ideal person does things like dishes while invoking God, not while having thoughts run through her head a mile a minute about how to promote her business.  That ideal person takes time to eat mindfully, invoking God.  That person meditates with psycho-physical stillness for periods MUCH longer than ten or twenty minutes at a time.  That person thinks about God MUCH more than about work. 

Before I went to bed last night, I was reading a little book of quotes by Amma, and she was saying things about meditation just ASSUMING that one would be meditating for several hours (even five to ten) at a time, and how one should meditate during the night, etc.  It really put my worldly life into perspective.

I am TIRED of thinking about work and the world, nonstop, every day, and even at night when I wake up.
I ALSO think A LOT about love, which I think is good--very good, because it is my haven of paradise from worldly work thoughts, and those warm, bright, light, and happy thoughts seem very close to God.  But what I really need to do is to quiet my worldly thoughts in general, and invoke more.  This would not only relieve the painful feelings of anxiety and dispersion, but also calm my body and relieve physical pain, tension, and soreness, and remove nagging feelings of hypocrisy and guilt that lurk just under the surface in me, all the time--because I KNOW I am not really leading the spiritual life God wants me to.

SO...that brings me to the solution.  Thankfully, some sort of a solution occurred to me this morning, as I was doing the dishes.  And like most real solutions, it didn't come because I was looking for it, it came just by itself, out of nowhere.

- At this point in my life, I know God wants me to do the work I am doing.  It is good work, and I know it helps people, including me, in many ways.  (Yet I am not even taking the time to do the part that is really good for me: working on myself with AT--especially during a period when I don't have students, like now.)
- I want to have very clear intentions for my work.  The brainstorming sessions are a good idea, because they are confined periods of time, with a beginning and an end.
- When work time at the computer, or a brainstorming session is OVER, then it needs to really be OVER, until the next session. 
- I see now that ego (or some evil satanic, downward and dispersing, separating force) has been having a real field day with me for a long time, tricking me into thinking that my ideas--the things that are constantly popping into my head while I'm eating or walking or cleaning--are all important and must be captured and held onto--that I need to write them down and work on them, or save them for later.

THAT is what I need to STOP. 

I need to have a plan for how to deal with intruding thoughts which masquerade as positive, useful, important thoughts.  And my best, infallible, invincible weapon is God.  I have been taught this in no unequivocal terms, I believe it, and I know it is true. 

In order for this plan of defense to work, I need to TRUST.  To that end, I need to place my work goals and ideas in God's Hands and trust completely that He will carry them out for me, using me as needed.  If the work is good and worthy, then God will make sure it gets done well.  I will do my part during work periods, but then I need to give it up into God's Hands and step back.  ("Do your work and step back.  The only path to serenity"--Tao Te Ching) 

"Say, Allah, and leave them to their vain discourses," says the Qu'ran.  I need to follow that advice now.  When the vain discourses of my ego begin to intrude with work when I have decided to be doing something else, I choose to say "Allah" and leave the ego-talk, those spider-web thoughts, behind.  "Let the dead bury their dead," says Jesus.  And, "Those who put themselves to the plow and then turn back are not fit for my kingdom."  I have put myself to plow the earth of my Self, and I will not turn around to pay attention to the ego-world that clamors for my constant attention.  I want to stop listening to it, and stop paying attention to it.

Please, God, give me the necessary strength to pull myself out of the thought-web I have gotten caught in.  Actually, knowing how weak I am, and how strong You are, could You please just pluck me out of it?  And then, even more importantly, once I'm out (for it is easy to be plucked out for a moment), please give me:

1.  the vigilance and awareness to see the web, so that I can avoid it and not get trapped in it again
2.  the discernment to recognize it if I'm getting sucked into it again, and
3.  the merciless power of self-discipline and ego-destruction to cut the strings of that web I'm attached to, when I'm wrapped up in it--that moment being the hardest moment (like when I REALLY want that cookie!)--over and over again, practicing constantly so that it will become easier with practice
4.  the trust I need in this being the right Way, and that You are pleased with my resolve, and that You will help me constantly--with my soul's work, and with my work in the world
5.  relief from dispersion and anxiety, and finally Peace in living a more spiritually-oriented life, centered on Your Name
6.  loving, fervent desire for this Way, attachment-atttraction to Your Name, so sweet and made of Love Itself

Please, God, please, Love, help me!
Amen