| View Blog
|
|
|
|
I see a little spark, that gives me hope. Hope that i can love myself. I have loved myself into a wonderful job, good money, lovely home, even my very own Mini Cooper. It is an act of love to dare to be successful, It takes great courage to think you can. I have had great courage in this area, now i must let go of what messages I accepted as a child: I am not worthy of love, men don't love, relationships aren't safe, I am not enough, I am not pretty, my father that doesn't love me, my mother doesn't like me, no one pays attention to me. Bad messages that left me to wonder who could love me, cherish me, want me. This innate sense of not good enough has lead to one after another failed relationship where I was not honored, cherished or loved. Relationships where I was not treated well and after it ended all I could do was yearn for it to come back.
I had a relationship where: I couldn't order my own entree because he was cheap and thought I didn't need that much food; He wrote " Maybe I should dump Shine for h----"; He wrote that he wanted access to bigger boobs than I had; He wrote he didn't think I was really beautiful; He dumped me at one point for a 28 year old student He was 45; after asking to come back, he broke up again, the third time he came back he started getting moody and when asked where he saw us heading he snipped, " I don't where we are heading!" That last indignity is when I knew I had to call this brain dead and pull the plug. I have a shred of worth because I called it and this time it took. In no time at all he was in a new relationship happy as a pig in shit!
Me I am left feeling used and battered, but he was not culprit. He was being who he is, a jerk and an asshole. I betrayed myself. i allowed this miserable excuse for a man to enter my sacred space and essentially shit all over me. I did that, because I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be in love. I wanted to be wanted even if all the evidence pointed to him basically just blowing through. His own words showed me he did not give a rats ass about me, and I ignored them because I thought I could convince him to care. He couldn't have done more to say I don't want you than if he had stood on a table with a sign that said, NO LOVE FOR SHINE like sally field in Norma Rae. What do I do when i see him on the table with the sign, I whisper to myself, he loves me he really really loves me. No Shine he did not love me, he did not really really love me. He thought I was beneath him and he was slumming.
New message: I am worthy of love, I love me I really really do.
|
|
Posted by shine on 2008-01-05 04:06:53 | Rating: | Views: 44
|
|
| |
|
|
| Blog Comments
|
|
|
|
|
Good for you for realizing that you deserve better.
|
|
Posted by hairytoad2005
on 2008-01-05 05:54:09
|
|
|
|
|
Thanks for that !!
|
|
Posted by shine
on 2008-01-05 11:56:57
|
|
|
|
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
