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Friday night, my husband and I had an argument. During said argument he said some really bad things to me. Things that will be with me for a long time. Unnecessary things..about how he feels about the things I complain about in my life. Now don't get me wrong..I am an upbeat..optimistic person. Very little gets me down, or frustrated. I have the attitude that if I can change it I will, if not I will accept it and keep moving forward.
This argument started because I complained about an aspect of my job. He happens to think that my job is easy..and though I get frustrated sometimes, it is nothing to complain about. Now, anyone who works..even in a pie factory..tasting pies will tell you..no job is always easy. My job requires the utmost patience and also requires a lot of caring and giving to others, without reciprocation. I chose my job..because I love children. I love my job..but I still get frustrated.
My husband does not want to hear about my frustrations..even if he asks..How was your day?..he just does not want to hear it. He told me..if I have problems that do not involve him or his children..he does not want to hear them. He actually said..tell it to a tree..cause I don't want to hear it. WHAT??? I am at a loss as to why anyone would suggest that as your husband they do not want to hear about your frustrations. Work takes up a lot of a persons life..and having noone to talk to about it, is a frustration in itself. If you ask a person: How was your day?? Are you expecting only a cheerful ..It was great! answer? Don't you want the truth? If you ask a person a question, doesn't that suggest that you will be patient and listen to their answer? Now I don't expect him to fix my problem..just to acknowledge that there is one..perhaps show a little sympathy. If nothing else..don't ask.
Since the argument, I have spoken to him only when necessary. I have not been mean, or cruel..I just did not happen to think he deserved my time or attention. This parting of the ways..he does not like. He is used to my attention and concern to every little detail of his life, so when I stop talking to him..he notices it.
This morning..I was resting in bed (8:00 a.m.) and he came and sat beside me. He told me he was sorry that he got so angry and yelled at me, that he was just tired and angry. I told him..you know, I can accept your apology..but I need to let you know..that you lost a part of me that night..a part that you won't get back.
If I am quiet..don't ask me why..because you don't get to know anymore what I am thinking or feeling. If you don't care how things are going with me..then you don't get to ask. You said hurtful things, that will not go away. This did not leave him happy, and I hate that..but I deserve to be listened to and given the same respect that he gets. While I can't change anything about his job..I still listen when he is frustrated and I can still sympathize with him.
Marriage and relationships are a two way street. If you want something from someone..you have to reciprocate. If you want to be heard, you have to be willing to listen. If you want sympathy, you have to sympathize. Patience and caring are just part of the relationship process. Taking care of the things you say to someone..is the most important task in a relationship. Words uttered in anger..are still words. Just because you are angry..you have no license to hurt someone.
This too shall pass..and hopefully at the end of the day..we learn something from it.
peace :) shemelts
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Posted by shemelts on 2008-08-17 11:29:14 | Rating: | Views: 106
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yes words DO HURT, i have alot of scars to prove it,but they are on my heart, please dont let it scar your heart, peace to you my friend .
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Posted by bjm1
on 2008-08-17 12:27:40
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Well, lets hope he has someone to complain too next time he has a frustrating day! You know, this is a hard issue..I've heard this a lot. In fact, we used to fight about the same thing when we were not working for ourselves. Someone told me once to set a time limit, like you both have 10 minutes to talk about your day if you would like to...and that's it - you're done! LOL. Sounds kind of goofy but it may work. I'm sorry you had to go through getting hurt. It does hurt when the one you feel should listen to you most turns a deaf ear. But, it will pass. You two will learn something out of this. Hey, you always have thoughts if you want to complain and he won't listen! You can't be happy 24/7...it's OK.
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Posted by lilmissJ
on 2008-08-17 14:36:26
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Oh Shemelts, I understand exactly what you are saying. Even if he said he didn't mean those words, of course its too late. They are already out there. I am the same as that, you say something - hurt me - even if you say you didn't mean it I will always wonder where it came from then.
I hope you can sort it out because life is too short, and we need to know we can say anything we need to, to our partners and best friends. xx
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-08-17 17:59:53
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I understand too...its true for all relationships. Words really hurt. Thats all I can say right now. This post caught me in an emotional moment, sorry.
*hugs to you* I hope things get better soon...
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-08-18 07:27:06
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I love your way of thinking. He was definitaley wrong. I think that with time, you will be back to telling him everything again. You have to, or your communication will start having flaws. I hope everything goes well for you.
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Posted by anonimo1922
on 2008-08-18 07:51:04
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You are such a strong person. I think it's awesome that you are standing your ground on this. It's important to stay true to yourself in your relationship. I think he will come around and things will end up well again. Good luck.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-08-18 07:55:47
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I have to be honest and admit that I somtimes say quite despicable things to my husband when I am angry. Most he forgives as he knows my temper abates pretty quickly, but there are some he cannot. For me I have learnt to control exactly what I say as it cannot be taken back. I just hope your husband does the same thing and really learns from this experience. I'm sure there are happy times just ahead which will make it better for both of you. He who said 'love means never having to say you're sorry' was talking utter rubbish. True repentence is easy to detect. Good luck SM
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-08-18 11:00:37
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At least he aplogised. Some people just have a different set point, and snap easier. My husband is usually easygoing, but when he is very tired, he is irritable. I try to never just say things in anger. We learned to work it out eventually, but it took time. You are right, marriage is a two way street.
Peace to you shemelts.
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Posted by circe
on 2008-08-18 14:51:47
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I try very hard not to speak when I'm that angry bc words can not be taken back. Once spoken they are 'out there' and all the hurt with them. I hope you can get back what was lost that nite.
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Posted by dreampower
on 2008-08-18 19:07:55
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I think that part of the role of a "partner" is to just be there when the other needs to vent. And, just because what you are venting about has nothing to do with your partner, doesn't make it any less necessary. He needs to understand this. It's all about give and take. When he needs to vent, you allow him to. When you do, he should realize that venting is what you're doing, and allow you to let it out. He doesn't have to care what you're venting about, he just needs to help you get it done.
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-08-18 23:08:33
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Oh, I hope that he realizes how wonderful you are!
I know what you mean about just needing someone to listen. That is one of BF and I's biggest fights. I will come home and just need to vent about something stupid, but he thinks he always needs to provide a solution. That's the problem with men. While they love us and want to protect us, they don't understand that sometimes we just want to bitch about it. We don't need them to explain how to handle it, or what we should do about it. It's not the point, but they want to fix everything! Am I right? Or is it just me? Sometimes when he asks me how my day was I tell him I am going to tell you but I just want to tell you I don't need your plan of attack. It seems to work better! I hope it gets better for you! And you can always vent to your thoughts friends, we won't try and fix it... or is that what we do also? Oh shoot!
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Posted by KarKar
on 2008-08-19 14:11:41
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what can I say
that has not already been said
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Posted by roe
on 2008-09-03 06:46:04
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