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Though I prepared myself mentally for my mother's death..I had no idea the flood of emotions it would bring. Being a strong woman all of my life..at least emotionally strong..I have never been one to cry. My motto has always been keep moving forward..come what may..keep moving forward. Tomorrow's another day..Scarlett O Hara..I salute you..!
Tears never seemed to serve me well, even in my youth. Crybaby..go and cry..crybaby..was what you heard at my house with 7 siblings..if you dared to cry. You soon learned they were useless. In grammar school, I was teased mercilessly for my buck teeth..and I cried an endless amount of tears. This seemed to fuel the fire for my tormentors. When I was in highschool and was very hormonal and emotional..tears failed me there too. I would cry over boys, being teased by girls, and just the injustice of being born into a family of 8 children with parents who could not afford to provide us with the latest styles. When I started dating my husband..at the tender age of 18, tears worked for a little while, but soon became a punishment for me..when he said..."Oh yeah..go on and cry".
For over 25 years, I have held my tears, using them to fuel change that I felt I needed to make in my life. I refused to give into them
and be sent down the emotional rollercoaster they bring to me.
I have often said "crying is useless, even in times like these". My family..especially my husband..bore witness to my strength for all of these years.
When my mother passed away last month, I was stoic. I handled all of the arrangements, thanked all the guest for coming to show their respects and orchestrated the burial. That night I melted into an uncharacteristic puddle of tears in my bathtub..and then again once I got into the bed. Songs on the radio can send me spiraling and listening to her cd's, just sends me over the edge. I have cried more in the last month, than I have in my entire life. My husband is at a total loss as to how to help me cope..and though I need him to comfort me..mostly I just need to cry.
Last Wednesday, marked the first month since she passed. That afternoon, I quietly slipped out onto the deck with the cd player and cried. It was beautiful and peaceful outside on the deck..and it was just me and my tears. My husband came out to talk to me and I told him to just go away..because I need to deal with my grief and he can not take it away..as much as he would like to. Later after I recovered.. I explained to him..that apparently this was just how I was going to be..until I properly grieved my mother's passing. The best thing for him to do..was just let me be.
The other night I was preparing for bed and I realized..hey I didn't cry today. Maybe I will be alright..maybe the worst of it is over. Maybe I can put the tears away again..at least until the holiday's..hmm maybe.
peace :) shemelts
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Posted by shemelts on 2008-07-14 10:14:23 | Rating: | Views: 115
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i am thinking of your heart today, and im gonna call my mom, love ya check you mail girl.
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Posted by bjm1
on 2008-07-14 10:42:28
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I am so sorry for your loss....there is nothing more painful than to lose someone we love so much. I can tell you time will help, but no one can tell you how much time you will need.
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Posted by slowtolearn
on 2008-07-14 10:43:01
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I'm sure you have heard this. When we lose someone we love. We cry every minute for a day, every hour for a week, every day for a month, every week for a year. Take whatever time you need to get your feelings out.
It is appropriate to grieve over losing your Mother. My condolences.
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Posted by circe
on 2008-07-14 11:05:52
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I love what circe said. Very true.
The tears are cleansing. And I am one that cries at the drop of a hat.
Hugs for you
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Posted by 1221dol0306
on 2008-07-15 08:48:57
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i just lost my dad. we didnt' cry at home either. and boy crying is emotional. what a crazy crazy thing to go through ay? blessings for healing.
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Posted by thinkingurl
on 2008-07-15 23:28:33
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I was the same as you and then it suddenly hit me. I still get sad over my dad and it's been over a decade. Hugs.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-07-17 09:22:22
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Many years ago, while grieving the death of a dear friend, I attended a grief support lecture series. The importance of tears was stressed and our lecturer told us about a study that had been done. The tear content of two groups of people were analyzed. One group's tears came from cutting up an onion ... the other group's tears came from watching the sad movie "Love Story". The "emotional ... sad" tears contained a toxic enzyme that the onion producing tears did not. Our lecturer told us that grief produces harmful toxins in our bodies ... tears are natures way of cleansing our body of those toxins. Bottom line ... a good cry is healing to one's body. I pray each day finds your grief easing as you remember the happy special times shared with your mom. Peace & Love
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-07-24 10:21:19
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Its ok to cry. Crying provides release. I was tormented and teased also and I would cry and cry.
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Posted by Plakola
on 2008-07-31 16:53:52
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