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Marriage and relationships are the hardest part of our lives. Being with someone for a long period of time is difficult. No longer do you have the new and exciting relationship that you started out with, it is replaced with familiarity and sometimes contempt. After many years, and many rains the water under the bridge gets muddied. You have so much history and so many shared experiences that your lives are intertwined forever, sometimes leaving you feeling smothered and unappreciated. I have done a lot of soul searching lately, with all the conflict surrounding me and I can't for the life of me understand what brought me to this stage in my life. I have an ill filling of discontent that has crept into my core being and I can't seem to shake it. What is driving my discontent? Is it just a natural part of aging..the midlife crisis as it were or something deeper and more unsettling. I had some answers delivered to me this past weekend. Aha moments where the lightbulb came on in my head. Moments when I thought..so this is it..this is why I feel so disjointed, so misunderstood and underappreciated.
Having settled Sunshine in at the college (she moved her things back into her room, though the cleaning is not complete), we have tried to slow our lives down. He needed to de-stress, and I just needed quiet time alone. We have spent most of the last few months in one conflict after another and I truly just wanted peace and quiet. Saturday, I was a bit under the weather so after breakfast, I just kind of rested around the house whilest he worked outside. He was very patient with me as he could tell I was genuinely sick, which is rare. Sunday, I felt better so we had breakfast and I rested around the house, while he went to the lake fishing and metal detecting. I spent several hours just browsing through Thoughts.com and soaking in the quiet..ahhh I love being alone. Not because I don't love my family, but because I need a sensory break..a break from all the noise that involves preschool children, teens and men. Music, sports and the weather channel are the background noise that my life is played out to. After a week with 7 preschoolers going at break neck speeds with break the sound barrier sounds, a quiet day is worth millions to me. Seriously!!
When he came home, we went to dinner. We made small talk and reconnected after our day apart. On the way home, I was chattering about some insignificant something, and midsentence..he says, I want some yogurt. As if whatever I was saying was so insignificant to him that he could not wait until I finished this sentence to blurt out what he was thinking. At this moment, I knew what bothers me about my marriage..my husband. I feel insignificant to him. I feel as if whatever I am thinking or feeling is insignificant to him. As if I am talking to the walls, the floor or the ceiling. If I am quiet he insists on knowing what is wrong..but if I am talking , he half pays attention to me, spending the time I am talking thinking of what he will say..or better yet what he is craving at the moment. Perhaps it is too much to ask that he pay attention especially to trivial things, but since he does want me to talk to him, shouldn't he be making an effort to listen? He has on more than one occasion told me he did not want to hear about my job, my siblings, my friends. Shortening our discussions down to our kids and us. Perhaps if I stayed on the subject of our children and us, he would listen completely..who knows.
My second epiphamy came last night. Our son who is 17 and a half came in from an all night visit with friends. They had a bon fire (end of summer thingy) and apparently had a boxing match. He had a very noticeable black eye..and he told us he got it from boxing his friend. He is not much on lying and I accepted his story..no big deal. My husband on the other hand..went right through the roof. "He's been in a fight..we should call the police..he's gonna get killed..I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN". Now of all the things that I dislike about my husband (he probably has a list of things he dislikes about me, so this is okay..ha) I dislike the fact that he has to blame me for everything that happens in our lives. If his workplace burned down while I was asleep in Daytona..somehow this would be my fault. I don't get this reasoning. When we are concerned about one of the children's behavior..why must we blame each other.. "Your too easy on him, you wouldn't let me beat his ass..now look at what we've got"..Ha! He seriously says things like this to me..everytime there is a conflict or crisis. Give me a break..My response to this outburst has become to just get quiet and look at him increduously..I will never for the life of me understand how I..one little person..can cause such chaos..even when I am indirectly involved. Usually not involved at all.. yet I bare the brunt of every situation. Last night he got up and left..the house..which was a smart move on his part. He went and got some YOGURT..Ha! and returned a bit calmer. We didn't talk the rest of the night, except to express what a sorry job Tennessee was doing in the game against UCLA. YUCK!!
Why am I still with this man you might ask?? I am asking myself that more every day. Some of the answers I give myself are..He is a tender lover and a kind man. He does not deal well with conflict..I am sure you guessed that..but he would do anything for me. He would give me anything I asked for should he be able to get his hands on it. He loves me with all my shortcomings and loves his children with all of his being. He has tried to make me happy and provide for me what he thought I needed. He has fallen short lately in the communication department and we are a long way from the ideal marriage that people aim for..but I think he is trying hard to improve. I don't know folks..it is a work in progress. I think I thought by this time, 25 years of marriage and 27 years together, two children and all the mess that life has to offer..that we would be settled in wedded bliss to face retirement together. That is so not where we are at. I'm gonna pray for that light at the end of the tunnel and the wisdom to make good choices that have a positive outcome for all involved. I think one day at a time, and at this house one hour at a time, with the occasional one minute at a time..is all I have to offer.
peace :) shemelts
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Posted by shemelts on 2008-09-02 10:12:50 | Rating: | Views: 75
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Oh dear Shemelts - I so understand where you are at. Several times during our marriage we have lost the art of communication. My husband is quite opinionated and would admit to that but at times it has made me feel small. When he has realised that he has been devastated as it was never his intention. On the one time we really hit a wall, I went to stay with a friend for a while cause I just needed a break from everyone at that time. A very good friend of mine told me then, and I have never forgotten it, if there is love and passion at the beginning of a relationship, it's possible to get it back. I knew that we had and therefore it was worth trying again. I have never left again although I have distanced myself in my mind. Men are so very different to us and we handle things very differently. Your kids are no longer children who constantly need your help. This causes a sort of empty nest syndrome and it's tough. Eventually you will settle down to another kind of life and companionship will be the most important thing you have. No matter what B does to me I know he loves me deeper than anyone ever has and we care for each other so much. So, try to ride the storm and I promise you there will be times of contentment ahead of you. We laugh now in the mornings when we both get up full of aches and pains but agree how awful it would be not to have each other to laugh at. How sad are we! Your man obviously loves you and a lot of women never experience that so good luck and I wish you a lot of patience and wisdom.
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-09-02 10:47:46
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thats why women have girlfriends i think,we can realy feel we are being HEARD, its nice to be listened to, have a sweet one, barbara xx
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Posted by bjm
on 2008-09-02 10:55:40
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That's what I love so much about you.....your pure honesty.
Every marriage has its moments, even months, when every issue seems a drama or nearly every word spoken a disagreement. And we find ourselves asking why?
I agree with OTHFA, ride the storm together and hopefully you will both be stronger for it. Take time to listen to your head and heart.
Sending you lots of love and hugs xo
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Posted by Kaybee
on 2008-09-02 20:57:17
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You are talking about my life!!!! This is exactly what brought me to thoughts in the first place. I have also been with my husband 27 years, married 25...just celebrated. For the last four or five months, I have felt completely disconnected. When you talked about him saying something while you were in mid sentence, it hit me like a ton of bricks...that happens here constantly...like we are just babbling fools who don't have anything important to say, and they just have to butt in because they wouldn't get a chance to say anything.
I am now making a very concious effort to reconnect. I made up my mind right before our anniversary party that I have been with this man for this long, I do really love him, and instead of concentrating on EVERYTHING that ANNOYS me, I was going to focus on anything that was POSITIVE. At first it was hard, because I had in a negative mode for so long, but it has gotten a lot better. I now remember exactly why I stayed with him all these years, and why it's worth it to stay 25 more.
Marriage is work, 24/7, all year long....sometimes it is trying to get wax off the carpet, which is next to impossible work, and sometimes it is washing the car and squirting each other with the hose work. Sometimes, I truly believe we make it harder than it should be...midlife crisis...I believe it's true...we only have two ways to go...You guys sound like all in all you have what it takes to keep going up, and I hope you do...it seems so many people reach this time in their lives and just give up....Again, you seem to have something worth keeping...this will pass, I just know it will. HUGS :)
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Posted by slowtolearn
on 2008-09-03 08:29:54
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Folks, Thank you for every kind word and every whispered prayer. I am not packing my bags to leave or anything of that sort. I realize that we have years of history, two children and that everything we have built, we have built together. Nothing changes the fact that I love this man..but my frustration level is building. I am a work in progress and blogging my feelings is my biggest source of release from the pressure.
Thanks for stopping by and offering your support.
peace :) shemelts
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Posted by shemelts
on 2008-09-04 06:34:22
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