Somehow I've become a loner in my class. How did this happen? But it always happens. I remember before starting first grade I was so excited, making up scenes in my head in which I would introduce myself to others and become bff forever. That never happend. And with each huge transition there is that small glimmer of hope: middle school, high school, college, grad school. Now it's too late to make friends. I've grown to dislike the two friends I have. I've grown to dislike my entire class because they never made the effort to get to know me. I feel very alone, so very alone. Although I tend to hate crowds because they make me self conscious and lonely. I also need a sense of community. That's why I go to class. If I don't go to class, then I'll stay in my room all day and feel even more alone as night approaches.
    I crave human contact and communication, but I also avoid human contact and communication because I see them as wastes of time from my study. I have an intense desire to ask my friend out to dinner this friday combined with the intense dread that if I do that, we might end up talking nonstop-- a friday night wasted from studying.
   My life is full of of stupid contradictions and wants and hatred. I want to have friends. I want to laugh with my friends. I want to have one of those bff study groups. I want to be left alone. I want quiet. I want conversation. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I hate school. I love my family. I love my boyfriend. I love my pets. I want to escape. I want to sleep forever. I want to be stress-free. I want to be smart. I want to be skinny. I want to be popular. I want to have self-discipline. I want to be able to sleep 6 hours a day. I hate how I don't exercise. I hate how I take afternoon naps. I hate having an attention span of 30 seconds. I want to be able to help people one day. I want to have a fulfilling career. I want to have a family with my bf one day. I want to tell my kids how to avoid growing up depressed as I am. I want to escape my life now. Some one talk to me and save me.