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It really doesn't matter what kind of mood you wake up in, if you awake to a gorgeous pink sunrise. It seems to evoke a calm, a temporary reprieve from the normally chaotic morning routine. Makes me wish every morning could be so brilliant and serene, even if it's only for five minutes.
I'd love to say that I am ecstatic to have school back in session, but the truth be known, I am not one of those mother's whom loves the school year. I love late nights chatting with my daughter until neither one of us is making any sense because we are both exhausted. I work second shift, so I enjoy sleeping in until at-least eight. I love having the time to actually make a good breakfast and savor it. Rather than your typical grab an orange and run. I really love no pressure of homework, reports, and exams. I hate the look on my daughters face when she has been working on homework for 5 hours, and it's still not done yet, and she is desperately running out of steam. Or when I have to go and wake her up in the morning, and she begs for 10 more minutes. I would love more than anything to give her those ten minutes. I mean really what's ten minutes in the scheme of things. But when you have a bus to catch it can mean being on time, or setting the tone for a day that feels a little off schedule all day long. There's so many reasons why I love summer vacation, and dread the school year again, but probably the biggest one is just knowing that my time is running out having my daughter home with me. She's a sophomore this year. Three years left. Being that my oldest daughter is already gone, I know all to well, how quickly time flies and it makes me sad to know that at some point I will be more alone than I already feel, when she is at school.
I think that's why I have been in such crisis lately, or at-least part of the reason. My gals have been sole purpose for so long. Without them I am not sure I have one. Or at-least haven't found it quite yet. And in a rather crazy desperate attempt to find it, I have done some pretty insane things over the last year....and still haven't found it. Maybe it's the concept of looking for love in all the wrong places, when I need to find it within. But within just seems so confused, such a mess, that I don't even know where to begin to unravel the way I feel, and actually make any sense of my own life. Even writing it, just doesn't quite sound right. Ugh....It's amazing how we can go about our days, doing the daily routine, acting like everything is fine, putting on a smile for the world to see, and inside we are screaming "I'm not OK." How is it possible to do that for 20 years??
I'm hoping that this school year, is smooth, happy, and unstressful for my daughter. And for me, I hope it is a revealing, journey to inner happiness.
Lots of smiles
Shelley
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Posted by shellmcnamara on 2007-09-05 05:27:29 | Rating: | Views: 105
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Hey Shelley,
I'm glad you made another blog entry, I was wondering how you were doing :o)
I'm not sure what my purpose would be if I didn't have my girls either. They grounded me, god knows where I'd be if they didn't come along.
Are you or have you been creative before? I can't help but wonder if there is something you are actually stopping yourself doing that brings you joy - could you be blocking something? It would be something small, thats just for you.. maybe like painting, something you used to do.... is there something years ago you put on the back burner until later because life had more pressing issues to deal with? Now might be the time to give it another go. Take Care
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Posted by loveBITES
on 2007-09-05 06:00:54
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