It's been a while since I wrote anything...and I guess I am a bit grateful that my last entry was not scrutinized or held against me.  Or maybe not writing anything is, as bad as coming out and saying how horrible I am for allowing this to happen again.  Who knows.  Like I said before there are no excuses, simply what is. 

It seems most of my life I have gone around in circles.  Most of it having to do with not knowing myself,  being in a marriage where that hold little importance to anyone but me, and learning to live with everyday stresses...that I obviously don't handle well at all.

I was reading an article yesterday, and it struck me just how simple this theory is.  But like everything in life, you can hear something over and over again, but unless you are ready to truly hear it, act up on it, it won't register.  The article was talking about fears.  And how fears can ruin your life, and keep you in the same spot indefinitely if you allow it.  Which pretty much has been my life.  Fear of supporting myself, fear of being a single mom, fear of being alone, fear, fear and more fear.  It has made me a very passive, non-aggressive person, who seldom stands up for what I believe or want.

So, this article simple put....Said, "Everyday, Do one thing that you either fear or that is out of your comfort zone."  It doesn't have to be huge.  It could simply mean stopping at a different coffee shop on  your way to work.  Taking a different route to work.  Go for a walk after dinner.  Try a new food.  Wear a color you normally would never wear.  Talk to a stranger.  Join a club.  Take a class.  Apply for that job, even if you don't take it.  Call about an apartment and go look at it, even if you don't move.  Because in retrospect you are moving.  Slow mini micro movements. 

In my mind, I get so overwhelmed by the whole picture, that I can't seem to move forward.  And for some reason, this way of doing things seemed more manageable.  Not threatening but at-least moving towards what I believe I want. 

What do I want???? 

To live alone.  Be divorced.  Create a life that is about my internal happiness.  Yes, I do want to share my life with someone.  I have spent 20 years in a marriage that has absolutely no intimacy.  We don't share feelings, dreams, or hopes.  And I know that is what I want.  I'm not ending an empty marriage to spend the rest of my life alone.  I'm ending it because I want more from a relationship.  I want a job or career I love.  I want to get up in the morning and know that whatever I choose to do, I am happy and making a difference somehow to someone.  My ideal career would be with other woman, creating art, and helping them to find their paths.  I know how hard it is.  I know the challenges,  and without art, writing, photography, and other creative forms, I would have been even more empty and alone than I sometimes feel. 

My creative endeavors have allowed me to express what I often could not express to my husband.  It has allowed me to vent, honestly, and safely without harming myself or others.  It has helped me to see different perspectives, and encouraged me to move at a pace that was exclusively mine.  I would love to be able to help other people to use art as a form of strength, and over coming challenges.  That would be my ideal career. 

So....What do I need for input?  Yes, I am asking for input.  What kind of jobs are out there that allow you to create and help others?  How do you go about networking to meet other people who already do this?  Do you need a particular education?  Any thoughts, suggestions, and comments would be truly appreciated.  And thank you for not judging me on my previous blog.  I'm a far cry from being a saint, but I am also very loving, and a good person, mom and friend. 

Thanks to all...
Shelley