I wouldn't even know where to begin...the begining is so far back.   But like most patterns in our lives, if you don't work really hard at changing that pattern, it will keep resurfacing whether you are looking or not. 

I'm not a party person, I don't go to bars.  I have a minimal social life.  Mostly family, and my few closest friends.  And of course my children.  But for some reason despite my limited social life, people come into my life when I least expect it, and things take turns.  Crazy turns that they shouldn't.  When these things have happened in the past I end up feeling really down on myself for allowing this to happen.  Yet, they continue to happen.  Somehow I manage to find myself in situations that at the moment start out harmless, and by the end I feel stupid, I distrust my judgement, I truly resent my inability to say no, I have no back bone....it goes on and on and on. 

I don't want to blame, or justify, or defend my choices.  I just want to understand myself, learn to be ok with confrontation, and to stand up for myself.  I know I have a problem with loving me.  I have always felt more loved when someone is giving me attention, or telling me they need me.  I don't know why it's not enough, for me to just love myself, without having to have someone else do it for me.  I keep going round and round in my head.  How, why, where...the questions.   How do I stop this vicious circle? Why do people come into my life, when I am not looking?  Where do I go so wrong?  How do things go from harmless conversation between friends, to a kiss?  Where did things turn?  How can this happen so many times over the last 7 years?  Why do I let it happen?

Remember...I am married.  Maybe not happily.  And yes I asked for a divorce last summer, and moved out for two months this summer.  But being the wimp I am....I always back down.  I begged my husband to leave, move out, and let me keep the house.  I would get a room mate to help pay my mortgage.  But of course, he said if I wanted to leave feel free.  He's keeping the house.  And because I hate controntation, I backed down and gave in.  So here I am again living with my husband, who I have known for years I am unhappy.  But the lame pathetic truth is...I have a dead end job, that pays horrible.  I have no college education or atleast not finished.  So it is much harder for me to find an inexpensive rent, and live on my own than him. 

Ugh...Ugh...Ugh.  It doesn't make it ok, what I do, or did.   I don't understand me.  I know right from wrong.  I know seeing someone else is stupid, and down the road I end up feeling used, cheated, wrong, guilty, and my self esteem plunges even lower than it already is.  But yet somehow people walk into my life, and I get caught up in their problems, my problems, being friends, and yes eventually a full swing rotten, affair. 

I want to run away.  Run away from who I am, what I do, and how inexcusably wimpy I am.  I don't know why I get caught up in the moment.  I swear....I never make the first move.  I am not an aggressive person.  In fact I am pathetically passive.  I hate confrontation, dislike fights, never defend my views...mainly because they are mine.  Everyone has them,  so why defend how you feel about something.  Feelings are unique to each individual, and they are everyones right. 

I just keep complicating my life.  It's like I want someone to save me from myself.  Can you believe at 37 years old....I am still fighting the same battles I fought when I was a teenager.  I still dont know who I am, or what I want to be when I grow up, and I am still looking for people to make me feel good about me because I can't seem to do it on my own. 

How I have rambled today...and I am sure that I will get a rash of people who find my actions inexcusable, with no exeptions.  But like most of my life.  It is what it is.  I can't defend it, and  I won't try.  I just want to stop it, and understand why I cant find myself, and be happy internally.  How do I become financially secure, finally leave my husband, and not rely on other's to make me happy. 

As always thanks for listening.........
Shelley